Signs

 There is a Paul Simon song that is one of my favorites it is called "Diamond's on the soles of her shoes" it is from his Graceland album...... this great line in the song " He makes the sign of a teaspoon she makes the sign of a wave" Oddly at different times in my life that song has meant different things to me and echoed in my head. Most of the time it reminds me that sometimes subtly wins over brute force. Oddly in true Piscian style I have many contradictory characteristics. I wish I could be more assertive in so many situations and yet there are so many times I wish I could step back and be more subtle. I am a total type A control freak. My brother who often balanced me out well was a type B and so laid back and thankfully all the men in my life who were friends or family or Sam are that.

I of course have gone into full blown control freak meltdown mode. I am angry most of the time agitated and pessimistic the polar opposite of my "real" personality. In the parallel universe that has become my life my husband is the one telling me to believe the best in people to have faith in others and to "trust" more. For those of you who know Sam you are going "huh?" yes it is true. But I have gone into protective momma bear mode I feel like this paperwork sea in someone else's hands is jeopardizing my life and my children's future. Hence I have become hyper vigilant in warding off any potential slights.  For example, the other day we were at the Olive Garden, Sam's entire office closed to have a going away party for a group of us that are leaving. There are 5 families leaving to go onto other assignments. I practically ate the waiter for lunch. There were 7 tables 60 people and 3 waiters/waitress. Having 3 small children in tow not wanting a lunch time melt down I came supplied with small snacks and sat first ordered first, asked for seperate check etc. and expressed the need to bring the kids food ASAP. I was charming and smiley and on my best behavior. Well 1 hour and 2o minutes after ordering not even Salad ( yes the famous instant one there) or our appetizer arrived, and the other tables in our party  were already getting their orders despite ordering after us. I was not my usual subtle self although I did smile while I very coolly asked our waiter if there was a delay with the food because other tables who came after us had received their food and we still hadn't gotten an appetizer or salad. ( all we ordered was soup and salad and an appetizer) He could tell I was angry..... Which is good that was my point and when I am upset even in a nice voice I get the point across loud and clear and I make sure despite my smile my facial expression shows it. Sam says it is intimidating... I laugh at this I am ALWAYS polite and I smile.. ( come on I'm 5'1 how scary can I be?) Well despite my hushed tone and leaning into the waiter..... several at the table stopped talking and they looked at me..... I happened to be sitting at the table with most of Sam's supervisors. I felt bad but, at the same time I feel like a doormat sometimes..... I need to remind myself to pick and choose my battles..... Although I had a hungry 5 year old and 2 19 month old kids 2 hours past lunch in prime napping time. I had brought snacks ordered first and been clear about bringing the kids food. I still don't think I was wrong but, if I stopped conversation maybe I made the sign of a wave when a sign of a teaspoon was needed. However 5 minutes later the kids food came a salad finally came and our appetizer followed....2 hours after arriving at the restaurant..... and being seated. When we were leaving there were some really angry because food still hadn't arrived.

Sam and I are struggling in couple land right now we just aren't in sync. Which is fine we still love each other we just aren't functioning a a "Well oiled machine" status yet. Yet everyday I see signs that he loves me despite our bickering. All the really good  little things. Sam did several things for me with out being asked, he has tried patiently to listen, he has even daringly offered good advice ( although I would never tell him that :)) So why can't I "let it go?" Sam is no angel and a lot of this is 10 bad things to one good but I still see all the good which is excellent because I do love him and I do know this too shall pass. I ask myself is it him is it me? Is it this crazy paperwork lady who I would love to give a piece of my mind to? Why? Why do I worry about these random things? Why do I feel like a pessimistic person. Of course I am mad that I am pessimistic and angry so that makes it worse. My goal in the coming days is to let it go relax more and smile more and be more patient.  Poor Sam did have to listen to me on the phone.. I was telling him to tell paperwork lady  this or that basically I was telling her off to Sam.... and he listened the whole time which was sweet. I knew at one point he wanted to fall over with laughter at the fact that I told him when he went to talk to her he was to tell her that I disliked her intently. He jokingly asked if he should quote me on that and stifled his laugh.  I usually roll with the punches well why does this sea of paperwork..which is really nothing new I fill stuff out all the time it is the government after all. Why is it riffling me so.

This person who shall remain nameless simply because I feel like an old lady who spits when she speaks the name of a person she dislikes. This person is not pleasant and she is very lazy a pet peeve of mine to begin with. She is telling me what I can and can't do.....which is always ill advised with me. She quotes made up regulations and when I call her on that fact she gets indignant. We are not a good match, which is why I am having Sam handle dealing with her because I am about to go postal. I think that is it she is just the manifestation for laziness and incompetence...and she is unpleasant. All of that combined with the "you have to do this " attitude I would like to scream. How lame is it that this minor person is ruffling my feather so?

My goal is not to think of this paperwork delay this weekend to not get angry about it....to smile more and be my usual smiley zen like person who sees the good in everyone and  have faith.

this is a good example of where Sam and I balance each other out now I just hope my stubborn self can "give little" wish me luck.......