Writing our name in the land

Can we ever belong to the land ? Can we find peace in a place ?
I have often marveled at those who can spend their whole life in one place. What a wonderful thing to know a place so well, to share some of it's secrets, to say it is home. I also admire those who can pick up and move to another country to leave behind everything sometimes their culture and language and they flourish. They go and carve their name in their new land.

To carve your name in the land is to say I belong here, this is where I am meant to flourish. I own up to living here and calling this my home, I will know this sense of place and make it my own. I have so many friends and family who have a place they love. It lights your soul to see they belong, they are happy and that yes they fit exactly where they are.

I wonder will I ever carve my name in the land ? Could Texas be the place I call home, my sense of place. Could I make it my own ? Is this where I am meant to be ? Will Texas define my sense of place ?

Everywhere I have lived I have left behind a piece of myself, I have found good things and I have felt a part of the area. I have things all over the country that I love and things I can relate to, a sense of place from each one. People often ask me where Sam & I are going to "retire" or settle, where would we like to be. Who knows. I can tell you I have planted things, tended gardens, made things grow, delved into the communities, and worked to make things better. I have voted and volunteered, I have toured and traveled, lived and experienced every place I have been.
I take a piece of the places I have been with me, they are forever imprinted on my soul. Perhaps my sense of place is everywhere. Perhaps I need roots.... then again I prefer wings. I wonder where my children will call their home, what they will find in the world, and how they will define their sense of place. Will they be gypsies like me ? will they go back to somewhere we have been ? will they find a new place and make their own roots ?

Then I think about Texas and it's charms....could I ever carve my name in this land ?

Taking back what is ours

As mothers, wives, girlfriends, women we tend to put others before ourselves. I know growing up my own mother had things she wished for, my friends mother's were the same way.... Recently I have had several conversations with my friends that are inspiring. Some are married some are single some have kids others don't.

I have been looking for inspiration.. and it is always nice to look to those I love. We know our family and friends and yet there are so many hidden stories . I value and appreciate everyone even more.

I have a friend who started going out with friends again, taking time away from work to be herself. I was pleased to hear she had started taking pictures again something she loves. My heart has ached for her over the last year as she has had family deaths, work trials and the normal everyday things that being a wife and a mother bring. I wanted to hug her and tell her I was proud of her for doing something for herself.

I have another friend who has started writing again, she is witty and creative, her wicked sense of humor is so sharp that I smile whenever I talk to her. I love to read her stories and poems they are fantastic. I am so excited she has started working on her book it is going to be amazing and no one but her could write the story.

I have friends who are working on their dream houses, working on their careers , friends who are taking time to cook or exercise, write, draw, paint. With all of these wonderful people I can't help but feel inspired. I want to be more, do more and live more just because I know them. There is this possibility surrounding me.

We all have our day to day challenges, trying to figure out what step to take next, and the pitfalls of self doubt. I wish everyone success and happiness I believe in you I have faith in you and I can't wait to see how it all comes out.

I feel I can go to the drawing board and find something within myself to be more than I was today. Good Luck everyone .

Garden's, Freiend's and a sunny day

This past week has been busy and this isn't much of a post.... but before I get off track again I want to post. I want to mention I have taken my vitamins everyday.... so I might make it a resolution. Then again I could just say this is the year of no resolution.

Late last night I talked with two friends who always remind me I am loved and that the world is full of great things. I am truly blessed to have such inspirational friends.....
Which brings me to today. The sun was shining, my e-mail was full and I was reminded that despite distance I am never far from those I love. I smiled most of the day, I enjoyed the sun, I laughed and things my friends sent me or said. I am just lucky to have amazing friends. Positive things manage to turn anything around.

T had a school art show, and his work was wonderful and to see him smile was wonderful.
H is building a garden with his cub scout pack for the school, and despite the hard work it is wonderful to help. Again we are surrounded by friends doing great things.
P & S make me laugh everyday and today we were out enjoying the sunshine with a scooter ride.

I will have more pictures and stories soon..until tomorrow..enjoy sunshine and smiles and friends .

Girls.... Boys .. and the 1st Grade

I have to say there has been a buzz lately with my fellow Mom's of 6 year olds. The boy's mothers are mentioning brazen girls who approach their boys. The girl's mothers are worried about the messages their girls are receiving..... and in general there is a bit of concern over crushes and where things could head.

I knew the day would come, I figured I could handle it that I would be cool calm and collected ( and thwart any unsuitable girls with a good stare down).......I seemed pretty safe I mean most boys think girls have cooties until what like 9th grade........ ok a bit optimistic.... 7th grade. Well knowing the buzz, I decided to casually ask H about girls in his class. I was especially interested because he mentions a few girls a lot, and his 3 year old brother told me he had a girlfriend. Once I got past the ego dent of the 3 year old brother knowing something before me, I mean after all I have been the one H has come to talk to for 6 years...... I decided to go on a fact finding mission. I have to be careful not to be to obvious however or I may loose any chance I have later.

The first conversation thankfully was along the lines of " Mom I have lots of friends that are girls" and then I just listened as that certain girls name came up a lot.

The second conversation I felt pretty safe that she was friend and it was a good friendship. Her name was "fast Jessica" Now I know your alarm bells are going up also a girl with the nickname fast.... this is 1st grade here people. I learned she earned the nickname because she runs the fastest in the races at gym class, she reads the fastest in the class, and she is unstoppable in tag. This sounded like a typical friendship for first grade. I was VERY pleased to know she is one of the smartest girls in the class, she is quiet and polite and well mannered and shy ... and her Mother is very nice and has rules. This was shaping up to be perfect, H is shy and he loves reading and tag and races..... I could see why they spent recess playing tag. Phew all very innocent.

I have spoken with Jessica many times and she is adorable..... quiet with a wonderful smile, and she usually encourages my son to make good choices, during class time. H assured me several times she was just a friend......

Now I know I will regret this next "story" I was 6 the first time I kissed a boy..... oh yes.....
He was older a whole 7 1/2 and he lived next door... and he kissed me first.... after I won a race to the top of the "dirt pile" on our street. I was the fastest kid in our neighborhood at the time for hill racing.... ( it was a dirt pile from a bulldozer about 6 feet tall) He had a 16 year old sister who did unspeakable things with her boyfriend in his car in their driveway..... much to the horror of the mothers on our street. Now that I am a Mother I can totally see why. The thought of H kissing a girl, well it just can't be so.....

Today however the tide turned...... he is interested in a girl.... I think it is safe to say he has no clue about kissing ( please let this be true)... although lately he is squirmy and the mention of the word kiss ( this could spell trouble) We were driving home from school and H asked me if I ever ate an ant. I of course said no but in some parts of the world they cover them in chocolate or fry them.... and of course if he should go to these places he should give it a try and send me a postcard. Well this opened the door to why he wanted to know........
Apparently to attract the attention of my son you need to eat bugs.
" Mom Jessica is the coolest girl ever, she ate and ant in front of everyone on the playground, it was amazing." " Jessica is very pretty Mom she has blue eyes like I do"........ ( trying not to die of a heart attack and swerve in traffic) I calmly asked why this girl ate an ant....... ( H loves bugs like most boys) Well apparently she likes bugs to and she wanted to prove she wasn't afraid of bugs, so she ate an ant. Yes, as I mentioned above this is one of the smartest girls in the class.
Now many thoughts raced in my head...... this is a tough girl, I like that, a little bit of fearless is good for any girl. Then I thought, I wonder if she realizes what she has done......
Then I thought, why would my son find bug eating attractive in a girl ?
H is 6 he loves books, running, bugs..... and people a bit unconventional.... he gravitates to the shy because he is shy; yet he manages to make them all come out of their shells. This girl fits his 6 year old requirements...... and mine. J is smart, well mannered, well behaved and shy..... I guess a Mom has to overlook bug eating........

I have to say I so hope there is no kissing..... that it stays tag on the play ground..... for a few more days I can pretend that H is a little kid. Of course I want him to grow up, forge new paths, make his own choices...... I can only hope that he will have the same good sense about girls he has now. When he is older .... she will be smart, and well mannered, and somewhat shy like him...... and of course a love of bugs would be fine too.

So while I don't like the thought of H kissing a girl..... I think I like that he is thinking about his choices and looking in the right direction. For now I would like it to stay as a game of tag on the playground and a reading race in class......please.

Sunlight

Sunlight is beautiful, I don't care if it is streaming through your windshield or a stain glass window; any time the sun is shining things just seem better. Today I woke up thinking I can do this I can be positive I can control the day. I have to say that smiling at small things and looking for happiness is easier than you might expect. I think that a glimmer of Pollyanna is returning, like a stream of sunlight trying to break through gloomy grey clouds. I found that small kisses from little kids helps, that excellent songs on the radio help. I think that choosing to clear the slate, even if you don't want to helps. I smiled more, I laughed at least once, and I appreciated the sun shine even if it is unusually cold here. Then I got a call from a friend and smiled even more. I think tomorrow I will start the day off positive and see if I can laugh more and smile more.....I hope the sun is shining, because everything looks better in sunlight.

yes.....well and other than that Mrs. Lincoln

I was told if you have nothing nice to say you shouldn't say anything at all......

what does not destroy us makes us stronger......

It's all character building........

and no I have not taken my vitamin today...... maybe tomorrow....
and yes the jury is still out on the resolution.......

Tomorrow, is another day...as Scarlett would say.

Signs

We see signs all over, the road ways in buildings.... literally signs every where. What about the signs we ignore ? Yes, those nagging premonitions, those "gut" instincts..... those daily reminders put to us. Some of us completely ignore them, some of us are to crazed in our daily rush to notice them, and some of us would just rather ignore them all together.

Narelle Schwartz, an acquaintance friend from an unusual place had this quote, her child has autism.

A child is like a butterfly in the wind. Some can fly higher than others; But each one flies the best it can. Why compare one against the other? Each one is different. Each one is special. Each one is beautiful.

it may seem like a cheesy quote meant for some billboard on political correctness. However closer examination would tell us isn't this true of everyone ? In a world where we all cry for diversity and sing it's praises..... even if we resist it and secretly shun it..... Really it does boil down to we are all different, unique...and posses the power of free will.

When my kids think something is strange or unfair..... usually along the lines of " Mom so and so gets this or does that why can't I ? " I resist the urge to use the standard mother line of " If X jumped off a bridge would you ? " or another favorite of my own mother " If X stuck their head in a fire would you ?"....... no instead I resort to " Well if we were all the same the world would be a very boring place."....... which seems to me to be more grounded in reality and makes them sit and think about what they are really angry about...... Because speaking as a former dare devil my friends all jumped off a platform/bridge and yes I did follow..actually I lead all of them off while bungee jumping..... something of course I will save for a story when they are much older and they really believe I am as boring as they think I am.

The second sign came from another unlikely source about the challenges we face, the struggles we go through, how much we sacrifice for what we believe is right..... how some of us are lucky enough to see a "pay off" for that. Maybe our child goes on and does wonderful things, maybe we earn a promotion or get our dream job, maybe our lifelong dreams are realized ......

Sometimes our signs are subtle, in consequential, sometimes our signs are large and unavoidable. We have to notice every detail. Fear should not drive us but inspire us. I think some days I am afraid I might miss something and that fear is so powerful it drives me to do more , be more, find the answer to any unanswered question.

Perhaps this year my resolution will be small and in consequential, maybe I will just try to remember to take my vitamins everyday instead of forgetting them in the cupboard. Maybe it will be to give up on something.... that one will be nearly impossible to keep. If you hit the bottom of one barrel perhaps you need to find another barrel..... look in unexpected places and find another way watch for the signs and be more fearless.

I should have burned last years resolutions, this was the first year I didn't and clearly it did make a difference. Perhaps this is the year to be more fearless. The Jury is still out, but at least I can say I see the signs.

New Year New page New....

A clean slate, we often talk about a clean slate but really do we give our heart to making that happen ? Can we ever forget what really happened, better yet would we want to ? It is New Year's day and so a time when everyone is quick to shed the old and search for the answers for the new. New Year's resolutions, I believe they are god I used to set ones not related to my shape or weight but more of a how can I be better ? This year I am still trying to shake the old year, and yet I do feel as though the slate is clean. I wonder if I should really set one of those meaningful New Year's resolutions, those resolutions I always fulfill no matter what because I can't accept that I might not succeed at something. This year I want change, to "change my stars" to remember that side of myself that believed anything was possible, I could be anything go anywhere do anything. I believe we need to be the change we wish to see. If you are unhappy set a plan make the changes you need to or that you can to change that. Even with the greatest strength I could muster, the resources I could draw on, the people that I love sometimes change just doesn't come in the form we think it should. I have swam upstream most of my life, blazed my own trail, suffered for my inability to conform to the conventional tide. I have to question after this last year though, what if the odds are so stacked against you that you just can't ignore the signs? What if despite everything you do , you don't gain any ground ? What if all of your efforts yield nothing at all that seems like the change you need. What if the walls close in around you and you just don't have the strength to fight against the forces of nature anymore ? What if your sheer will is not enough ? Can faith in yourself and others carry you through ? So many questions, is this how a clean slate should look ? What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail ? What if you didn't know it isn't suppose to be possible ?

My year of dwelling in possibility turned out to be a year of struggle and strife, reflection and uncertainty. I never had the chance to breathe long enough to look at possibility. I built dreams and expectations ( always a dangerous thing) only to watch them fall apart and be demolished. I get within inches of my goals and see the finish line only to have it disintegrate. I am reminded of a song by Traci Chapman where the lyrics are " in this life only birds and angels get the wings to fly" Yet everything I believe in the world and myself is the exact opposite, I believe anything is possible that you can achieve anything. That given time and perseverance all things are possible, that anything worth while is worth a good fight. So when I sit exhausted and shell shocked and look at what this year should hold, how do I form those impossible wishes that will drive my spirit ? I think this year I might be more cautious in my goals and dreams, I might remember to have patience and give things time to grow. Perhaps that is the lesson the world is trying to teach me, to be more in tune with everything and let things happen in their own time. However for a goal driven person who believes we make our own luck and one should "take the bull by the horns" and make it happen for yourself; how do I live with letting it all unfold on it's own ? What if I refuse to accept the lesson or believe this is the lesson, or that it is mine to be learned.

I can't say what my hopes and dreams will be this year, or what I will strive to achieve. I almost believe that I am left without dreams and all that is here is faith that things will change. I think about the John Mellencamp song lyrics " Life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone" how horribly pessimistic. I refuse to give into the pessimism I refuse. I have to have faith that I have the strength to pull myself from the pessimistic funk that is clouding my free spirited soul from flourishing.

for now the jury is still out on the New Year's resolutions, what my year will hold and if I have enough of the eternal optimist left to dream again. I really need spring to come to nourish my soul and remind me my faith is not in vain. The world grows and blossoms and all things are possible. Could I live in spring year round, where is a place in the world that is always spring ?
How can I make spring year round in my home, heart, soul ?

Perhaps this is a year of questions and searching...a year of seeking what it is that is suppose to be. Curiosity perhaps for the year ? Who can say because for now the cautious protective side is shining through and I think I will let the jury mull over what will be a few days longer.... and isn't that still swimming upstream ? Convention says I should have this ready for today, but this time this year I am going to take my time to say what I will. Maybe just maybe I will let the walls down to allow spring to come in.