The Equipment

Being a military spouse means seeing equipment come and go on a regular basis..... TDY's and Deployments..... Eventually it comes as no surprise that a whole shelf in your storage area is covered with various camouflage colored items. The kids love it when the gas mask comes out, or when the 5 camel packs come out. I am always amazed at how the assortment of hats and blankets seems to multiply between deployments. We have enough equipment to camouflage an entire city from view I am sure....

My husband is also a photojournalist so there is usually some odd assortment of items for some sort of photo shoot lying around..... if you looked at them individually the items would seem very mismatched. Like the photo shoot that involved countless light sources some of the kids toys and several of my kitchen pans....
If you were to walk into my immaculately clean living room..... it would not shock you to find rumpled tissue paper all over the couch from another shoot.

I was a photographer so I get a lot of the equipment.... which comes in handy because sometimes I find equipment in the strangest places ( This morning while vacuuming I found a flash cord buried in my couch cushions..... some people find change I find photography equipment).... I have lived with all of this equipment for so long that nothing really phases me.....( like finding flash filters in my pillow case )

When I was in one of my college photography classes my professor loved to make us read about obscure photographers. Often we came across some very interesting stories. We studied this one photographer who spent a year just taking pictures. I mean literally he just kept shooting pictures, every second of every day ( this was before digital so this was all film can you imagine) He put the camera down to develop and to sleep other wise he took pictures all the time. ( long before reality TV...this was a far out concept for the time) He had a wife and 3 kids ( his wife left him after the project because she went crazy) It always struck me as odd someone would want to do this in the first place. I am not sure I could do this 24/7 for a year.

We joke at our house that the paparazzi lives here. Between me snapping pictures and Sam taking pictures even the dogs knew how to pose. I mean the twins were months old and they knew what to do for the camera. It is obscene the number of pictures we have digitally archived or actual book of other pictures. The kids and I have been the subject of many of Sam's projects....even if it means someones arm or leg or hand. Kids have been hidden under items as they are holding equipment , and Sam & I have become masters of camouflaging items and the kids holding them to make a shoot work. I have had my picture taken when I have looked my worst, for the purpose of some project.... hoping that somehow no one will recognize it is me ( Sam swears messy dirty hair in a grungy silhouette is fine no one will know it is me and it has to be for this shoot ) Sometimes the kids and I sigh at the thought of being roped into another project. Other times everyone is enthusiastic about how to make something work. In a way I think we live it 24/7 anyways just in different ways. The twins know how to work a camera even at 2 because you never know when you might have to have them push the button while you are holding a flash while dangling from a step stool in some odd pose to get the light just right on something that is rigged.

The other day involved another of those odd photo stories. After everyone had gone to bed ( I seem to always be clean up crew) I had to sit and laugh at the mess about me. Tissue paper and toys, camera parts and equipment from one end of the house to the other. Then the next day I found more in my bed , the couch, and in my closet. There are trunks in our room, in the kitchen, in the study....... I had to laugh because it still doesn't phase me. This week Sam leaves again for another trip and the trunks will go with the uniform, the laundry, and the cords..... and in another few weeks it will be back, with more pieces and parts. I swear it multiples when it flies. I will always have a lens in my bed, or a cord in my couch, or a trunk at my dresser. Mixed with the multiplying camouflage uniforms and laundry.......As I am typing this I have found the spare flash underneath my desk and another lens cloth stuck to one of the kids shirts from the dryer. S is behind me playing camera with a set of binoculars saying "cheese" to her brother.
I have to go and help pack the last 2 lenses for the trip.....and find a home for the flash filter in my pillow. Until the next photo assignment.

Our Parents

Today I have decided that when I retire it will be on a boat.... I once read an article about this couple that renovated their weekend boat to become their permanent house.... It is docked in Santa Barbara they go to work...they take to boat out..they also travel the world.... and yet they stay at home. This concept seems very nice today. Maybe I never wanted a house.... although I thought I did..... I really miss the water ( see what living in the desert will do) I have visions of whisking my children off for adventure and raising them in the world.... and nearly on a daily basis I day dream about how to make that happen.... However I often wonder would they share this with me enthusiastically? I remember I had a friend in college , his father was a chef who ran his own five star restaurant. All he ever wanted to eat as a kid was macaroni and cheese just one night for dinner, and he laughs to this day when he talks about begging his friends to let him come to their house for dinner when they ate it. The other kids all wanted to eat at his house because the food was better. The grass is always greener on the other side.... and will we ever really be happy unless we have our cake and eat it too ? I would like to believe I am a trailblazer.... I am not. I would like to believe that this would be so cool and my kids would be worldly and well rounded ( we'll ask them at 20 how I did )...... In the mixture of this day dreaming quagmire..... I wonder really will they just think I'm flaky.. or do ordinary people really do this ?

I would like to tell you I am a white picket fence kinda gal who has the perfect June Cleaver life ( ask my husband )..... However for those of you who know me well you know this is totally laughable..... I have always poured over the atlas, read my Mother's national Geographic magazines..even before I could read; I mean the pictures were amazing.... I have never followed a normal path ( ask about the parent teacher conferences for some good laughs)...... Yet my Mother hoped I would live down the street from her in the town where I was raised. we would have Sunday dinners and holiday's and our white picket fences.....

However see the thing is I never had a hometown..... I never grew up in one place..... and we never had a white picket fence..... Which brings me to our parents ...

As adults it is easy once we get past our 20's and the angst of our supposed torture at our parents hands..... by the time we are married we finally get why marriage is messy and that maybe some of those irritating conversations we overheard our parents having as children when took sides in our heads ...... might have been just a little off kilter..... when we have children we understand our parents in a whole new light.....Of course you don't have to have marriage or kids to have those moments where you see it all in a different light.

As adults going through life we realize that our parents are human with all kinds of human frailties. We see that they have insecurities and fears, and that perhaps they didn't always make the right choices or that annoying thing we find in ourselves is from some odd interpretation of their bizarre behavior..... ( ask any woman if she wants to be her mother no matter how much she loves and admires her)........

Let's say we see our parent go through a life altering event.... tragic or happy.... as an adult and then we see their true colors come out. We might like to hear stories of who they were before us.... because sometimes we find ourselves surprised they had wild dreams and aspirations that seem so unlike them now..... I have seen my parents renovate and gut more houses than I care to count ( although I can do almost anything but plumbing and electrical) I have seen them divorce ( messy) when I was an adult. I have seen them loose a child ( my brother's death).... I have seen them loose parent's ( both their father's) I have seen them change jobs change their lives and change their addresses.....

I would like to say I fled a small town in search of big city dreams.... but I came from a Gypsy home..... I moved all the time..... and yet I am still amazed that my Mother finds it odd I married a military man and I move constantly..... I would like to tell you this apple fell really far from the tree.....I moved 10 times before I had hit high school..and lived in 4 states...... My family is full of ancestors who had trouble staying in one place...or one country for that matter.... so really with this kind of DNA did a white picket fence ever factor in.....( danish courtiers, opera singers, pirates, teachers, highway robbers, and revolutionaries.....really did I stand a chance ?)

I have seen how they interact with the world...or how they hide from it all. I have seen their mistakes out there like a carcass to pick over.....

We bought and renovated houses in anything but a traditional fashion..... ( including the time we actually physically moved a house)
I choose a salary over commission any time.... with a strong reaction..... because of my Father's career changes.....( teacher to broker)
I talk about it all because my Mother didn't say much about it.....( to this day my Mother knows it makes me insane when she doesn't answer me)

So when I think about my children and the life they have had...and the plans I want to go forward with...... I can't help but wonder if they will praise me or dissect me......

Believe me I am no shrinking violet... I go forward with no regrets ...a plan and a clear communication channel......"what will THEY say " ( meaning anyone) rarely crosses my mind.... but I never go without a consideration of the impact on them......or anyone.....a lovely paradox that often causes internal conflict indicative of my piscean nature...

I have several friends who have lost parents to illness in the last year... or they have been tossed into a family drama... or they have simply been forced to sit and deal with their parents as adults.....

I am not perfect... I have made mistakes.... I still have no regrets.. this is not a good thing.... I try not to judge.... and most days I can remember they are human with strengths and weakness' personality flaws..and some troubling behaviors......sometimes I just deal with my Father with no expectations because it is a mess.....you can't change them..... I hope my children will be forgiving of my flaws and human frailties......

I have been a strong person who has tried to make everyone happy.... sometimes like most Mom's forgetting to make myself happy......it's hard not to get swept up in it all to forget to fight the small fights because you are tired or saving it for the right fights.......

I need to be true to everything I hold dear so that they find that strength in themselves and stay true to themselves when they are in a situation where it is imperative ( please let them say NO to all the wrong things we fear as parents , that we know will find them) I know several irritating things I watched growing up I always said I wouldn't do......where do we loose our voice ? We all need our own moxie always.....

If we keep our bearing and our Moxie then despite our mistakes they just might forgive us.....and realize that it's ok to be flawed.....and that they have the inner strength to do the right thing....and maybe if we are lucky they might find enough good qualities to admire..... or maybe we'll just see enough of our former selves in them to smile......either way.... we only get to do this once.....

I will try to remember they are human so when I have bizarre phone conversations with them I will forgive some of their stuff spilling into my space.....because after all no matter how good or bad our relationship is with them... no matter what mistakes they have made in their life.... We love them still faults and all in our own way.

The Cosmic Joke

When I was a junior in college close to end of the year finals I was starting my plan for the finals season..... I had taken a double course load.... which while a juggling act had actually gone alright. Then as I laid out my plans it hit me in horror. I had 2 weeks of literally no time between papers, and research projects and assignments..... they always pile the assignments at the last minute. I calculated and figured and planned trying to even find time to sleep.... I had to count minutes to do research and plan out study time ... it became so bad I was planning how many minutes I had to walk between classes because I needed extra minutes to make up for from work. Yes, I posted a note because my friends feared a meltdown. I had no time to talk or call or eat or breathe I barely had time to catch 3 hours of sleep or shower. Several friends were horrified that I could have so much work, some even offered to do some of it for me .... I didn't take them up on the offer. In the end I didn't have to time my between class time and I did get 4 hours of sleep one night. Thanks to a helpful librarian who pointed me to some more condensed books for research ( days before the Internet resources here people..... we still had a card catalog with little cards to get our books ). I passed my classes with A's and B's and did well on all but one exam.......

Little did I know my organization skills would be more valuable than the information when I had twins :)

Now with 4 kids and T especially I have to plan organize and schedule to the point I fear I might loose all free fun. T has so many appointments and sessions and special workshops that when I actually add up appointment time I am shocked at how often it adds up to full time job hours. I am fortunate here thanks to experience and sheer will I have whittled it down to 14 hours a week. That doesn't include drive time. Almost everyday there is something on the books and it barely leaves room for life's unexpected "crises" you know those random problems that blindside you on a Tuesday that will take you till Thursday to solve because it hinges on the competency of another actually doing their job. When it isn't appointments it is household stuff like cleaning and dry cleaning and grocery shopping or piano lessons or......etc.....

So the point of this mundane tale is that when a "free" day appears on the calender I practically squeal with delight at the mere thought that we might be able to do something wild and spontaneous. Usually if I see this coming I start to plan a "trip" or event ... this Summer my luck has not been all that great with "wild " adventures...... remember the lake....
This week Wednesday was wide open nothing nothing at all. Imagine my delight and it was the last week of summer vacation we had to do something. It had been a crazy week already ( yes it was only Wednesday) So low key was the plan. The kids had been so well behaved the planets were aligning at least on that one. The pool H, P & S had been begging to go and between the horrible heat and the limits on the number of people let in it had been impossible to get there.
YEAH a whole day to have fun be together and be "normal " and go to the pool.....
you know the saying the road to....... is paved with good intentions.

I woke up around midnight in pain ( I still have a bruise) I couldn't sleep so in the morning I called the doctor.... I had to be seen ..... of course because a day without some sort of appointment would just be to normal...... after 4 hours in the clinic and one very rude nurse asking really silly questions I had a new round of antibiotics. The conversation with the nurse was so ridiculous and I was so upset at having to go to a Doctors appointment on "my day off" I actually got into a sarcastic conversation with the nurse..... it was lost on her and the conversation took some turns that were humiliating to me I wanted to smack her... but I didn't... I did however let her know I was displeased......... while dealing with this new situation at hand ( the loss of 2 lab samples and a mix up with a prescription) I was also going to our insurance office because on Monday someone screwed up a small piece of paperwork that nullified 3 months of work ... so we were starting over and it required 3 different trips to one office hours of waiting at another 6 phone calls and it still isn't fixed....... and I was taking phone calls about another situation for T on the cell phone ( which I hate) I made it home in time for lunch ...... so much for a fun lazy breakfast with the 3 little ones........

2 More phone calls that were so urgent I didn't get to eat lunch with them either..... another trip to base ( thank goodness it is a 15 minute trip)...... and 3 more calls about stuff that is messed up for T. I felt like the cosmos didn't want me at the pool.....

H, P & S were soooooooo excited about going to the pool they had been wearing their swimsuits since 10 am and the pool opens at 1......

Stories about going with me cheers when I came in and out happy little giggles and so excited to spend time with me.......

Then came a call from Sam... oh yes some complete idiot had violated about 7 laws and there was an exposure issue... and a safety issue and my husband was now in a situation while not life threatening.... defiantly questionable..... After directing him where to go to fill out the incident report..and fielding 3 more phone calls..... We were headed to the pool.......

I made it to base and knew I wasn't going to the pool until I stopped to make sure the issue with Sam was ok..... Now since we have arrived there have been about 100 paperwork glitches with T and our insurance and our records and meds and ...and.... every time something comes up there is a MSGT who we deal with a great guy really funny and he is constantly amazed at how it seems the "rare & unusual" things seem to happen with us.. once maybe but as many times as they happen statistically being hit by lightning might happen before all of this ( he obviously has no idea what the odds are for us and the unusual)... So Sam was in his office..... Now due to construction his office was in one location on the far corner of the clinic where few people ventured ( I had no idea it had moved to the main area)..... So I went into the clinic in my swimsuit with a skirt on and flip flops...... my hair was a mess..... we were going to the pool and when applying sunscreen on S ...P decided to help me by putting a handful in my hair....... so once I tromp through the area where usually no one is.... Of course today it was packed and tons of people were in the hallway I mean a good 20-30 people in a remote tiny hallway..... all watching me in my swimsuit/ skirt combo and flip flops..... and not any flip flops mind you but my foam ones I do yard work in and go to the beach in...... oh yes....... ( why couldn't this happen the 100 other times when I am dressed in a dress or skirt wearing cute shoes and looking like I have some semblance of order)....... so after the walk of shame..... ( and not the college kind)......
I made it to the office...which was no longer his office.......

back through the hallway of staring people...... back through the main part of the clinic which at midday is full of close to 100 people...... up the stairs...around corners....... thankfully the MSGT found me and rescued me and took me through a maze of back hallways.. knowing I was looking for him.....

We all had a good laugh at how we were back in his office with some weird thing going on and how funny all of this was because everything is so ridiculous.... and of course my outfit and how spectacular it was......

when along comes a flight surgeon and 2 other people involved in the incident ( the lowest ranking was a MSGT).......oh yes and remember I was going to just check in on Sam and the new paperwork mess regarding the incident...... nice.. so the first time I meet all of these people I look like a mis matched swamp thing.........in a swimsuit in a clinic with flip flops...... I mean seriously I couldn't make this up if I tried I am a comedy writers dream for material...... even the worst dress list in a fashion magazine would have shied away from me.......

1 hour later 3 more people and another walk through the clinic.........

I made it to the car where Nan and the kids had been waiting...... remember to pool...... 2 out of 4 kids was crying..... there was some sort of dispute...... and it was now 30 minutes from the time we had to leave the pool to go home to make the new recipe together for dinner.......

Still reeling from the incident Sam had been involved with..... and the walk of shame...and the crying kids.... and the fact I had been to the clinic 8 times in one day........ I debated whether I was receiving a message......

The pool was out....... Nan got a small inflatable pool... I poured over the calender nearly in tears because i wasn't sure there would be another "free" day for fun..... I sooooooooo wanted to go to the pool I miss the water and the fun.... 4 crying kids one sad mom drove home....... little kids had fun in the little pool on the porch...dinner was a huge hit...7 more phone calls...2 more urgent matters..and a humiliating conversation....... and we hadn't even hit 7 o'clock.......

so I wonder if somehow I am part of some cosmic joke...... the past 3 months have been like this.... in the grand scheme of things I have a lot to be thankful for. I have so many things a house my family, food...... but really when it seems that every second has to be accounted for to someone somehow and the hamster wheel keeps turning... I just can't help but wonder when the cosmic joke will end.....

The Camel

"The straw that breaks the camel's back"........
we all use it sometimes as a threat..... a cry for help... or simple to state a fact.....
This past week the straw was an abscessed tooth.....
It blindsided me randomly on Wednesday..... like straw usually does.
Really this event was small in comparison and with sleep and some perspective I see now it really was straw......

I try to inspire I try to laugh and encourage.....
Tomorrow is a new day and we can always be better than the day before.....

Some races are measured in miles and others in inches.......

We have so many metaphors and sayings to restore our faith.....

We look to ourselves and those who love us.....

When really we are in the middle of a journey just trying to keep the wind at our backs.... we can easily get caught up in the trees of the forest.....
instead of seeing the forest from the trees......

"I should " is a phrase we should all banish from our vocabularies....
I should write more, I should love more... I should, I should...
It is almost as bad as What if ......

I found some truths this week.... some ugly truths..... but is it fair to call the truth ugly simply because it isn't what we were hoping it to be ?
whom ever said "the truth will set you free" clearly didn't have a situation where the truth meant that there was no resolution....but clarity..... I think I might rather like ambiguity :)

I am sure you have noticed I am adrift without my compass.....
searching for my voice in a sea of metaphors and sayings.....
I am sleepless... and I have a sound track of music that plays like an anthem for me daily.....
None of it has helped me find my way.......
Somewhere I fell off the path and I need to have faith in everything to find my way back.....

I am going to set some goals.......
I am going to write more and inspire more.... love more and look for the positives more.... and remember that the forest is different from the trees.... and that it is ok to stop and use my compass to find my way back.....

I have so many friends at the moment going through so many life changing things.... I think about them a lot and think about how much I want to make it all right... to help them through.. to help them find their way..... The challenges we are facing both big and small unite us..... we are not alone... whispering in our hearts are words of love and kindness from all of those who love us......
" It is the holes in the lace that render it beautiful " ~ Anam Cara