Thursday, March 25, 2010

I Sleep with a Tape Measure.... Tales From This Week


I have been absent again, this happens I get on a roll and then life steps in to remind me that chaos is seconds away. Glue, a heavy flashlight, a dust bunny, some photographic equipment, a cord, 3 post it notes, a Lego, a rain gutter regatta boat kit, white out, 7 magazines, a sock, a t-shirt and for good measure some object I have never seen and have no idea what it is. A grocery list no, a list of things for one of the kids back packs, no. So what exactly does this collection of stuff mean ? Exactly. This is what was found on my desk, the very same desk that was clean, spotless and pristine a week ago. Not one of these items was mine.... well ok I'll claim one magazine. Sam had worked on a project from the home computer this week which means a mess will follow including items that have no rhyme or reason to the desk or the project. I have been trying this past week to put the living room back together from the flooring of 2 weeks ago. So I haven't been staying on top of clutter monsters upstairs as much. I am pleased to report that some semblance of order has returned and my living room is put back together.... this of course left the desk free for scrutiny. I cleaned carpets and picked up stuff, I have had appointments and the usual weekly errands. I wish I could say this week had been glamours or exciting but it is mundane and like everyone else's clutter. Several late nights way past bedtime, cub scouts and school reports, landscaping and rain. I did have a stow away plant for 2 days. We are doing landscaping and one plant was lost behind the toy holder in the back of the car, it enjoyed it's adventures and outings but after 2 days of warm sun in the car it needed to go to a pot in the garden.

Life was the usual until, I went to bed last night. Usually I will find books, dolls, Lego's and other toys in my bed, occasionally I will find papers and clothes....... I often find lenses and other photography equipment. I have found Sam's paperwork for TDY's and other receipts he should be corralling with him asleep on top of it and I am left in the dark to clear the clutter find my corner of the sheets and not wake him. I was excited last night to find a clear bed. I snuggled into the sheets and was getting comfortable when I found it, the equipment. I thought oh another flash or another box that attaches to some other camera equipment..... then I reached for the object to discover the missing tape measure. This tape measure has been missing for a few days it was last spotted in the bathroom, H had taken it somewhere but couldn't remember where. S had given it a ride in her doll stroller, P had used it to fire toys down the stairs. During the week I had found Max the dog sleeping on it, each time I had diligently put it back in the cabinet...each time it had turned up somewhere else. Who needs tales of a traveling gnome when I have wandering tape measures to spice up the story of our house right. I know somewhere in this house there are no less than 10 different size tape measures because Sam leaves them places he gets a new one, we both had several when we met, and I believe that somewhere in the night they multiply as well. However when we need them there is not one to be found. Now they are hiding in my bed. I threw it on the floor ( it was past midnight) and figured it could sleep with the dog or I would trip over it in the morning and coral it to the cabinet again later. The next morning it was missing however ( it probably had a hot date with another of the missing tape measures' ) . I have been cleaning today looking, but not to hard I think they sense when I am searching for them. I have yet to find it I know I'm not crazy, I know it was there and yet it is missing again. This week has of course been about finding things, putting things away, and trying to corral the clutter. By the end of this week the house should be back to "normal" and the clutter corralled, the toys put away, everything dusted and vacuumed..... However I am pretty sure that I will still have missing tape measures and find things in my bed in the night.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Spring Break.....

I tried to plan an event for each day the kids were off of school. I was trying to embrace the whole concept of the staycation..... which I never understood..... I was trying though.....
So in typical Heather fashion I planned everything out and became excited.....
Like life for typical Heather changes happen, weather, kids, life, the unexpected........
So We had fun we accomplished a lot, it had elements of the plan it had new things.....The kids had fun ( the most important). I would not call this anything close to a vacation though so I have to say while I had fun I still think the concept of a staycation is bizarre.
That said let's delve into the week of fun.

Saturday we went to Lakeshore learning a fabulous store where you can find all kinds of learning toys and teacher supplies and great adventure.... The kids made pot o' gold banks, played in the model kitchen and then we went to meet and greet story hour with Clifford the big red dog over at Barnes and Nobel ( our second home). S was so excited to see Clifford even before he could get into the story she rushed up to hug him and the whole time waved and cheered for Clifford. I think she should be able to run for president of his fan club.

Sunday our weekend was even more exiting ! As many of you know I am a hockey fan.... really like hockey it is so awesome. We have a team here in San Antonio ( yes they play my beloved Milwaukee Admirals). We have been to a game for H's cub scout den and the kids really had fun. S is like me she LOVES hockey.
Well bless those anonymous people who donated tickets to military families. Truly THANK YOU !!!!!!! a block of tickets were donated to the base and the cub scout families were given tickets for their families to go to the hockey game ! We arrived at the center for the game and we were all set, coats, snacks, sandwiches, kids, super excited Mom. Then it became even more amazing...they told us where to go for our seats..... we were 3 rows behind the players !!!!!!!!!! in all my life I have never had seats that amazing !!!!!!
we were 3 rows behind the players !!!!! We could see the players faces the coaches dry board... those sent to penalty..... it was amazing !!!!!! The game was awesome S & I cheered like crazy that girl loves hockey as much as I do. The boys were super excited that because the Rampage scored 4 goals they would get free chicken sandwiches from the sponsor Chik-Fil-A........ it was just the perfect Sunday afternoon. The Rampage won 5-2 against the Peoria Rivermen. It was a great game...with amazing seats.

Monday we had to take a break..... remember the construction last week, the new wall for the new room, the flooring installed..... well there was dust furniture and stuff everywhere..... we had to stop and pull it all together....well as much as we could. The kids all have their own rooms now. P has his own room for the first time and he choose the paint ( twilight blue) and he picked a rocket theme. P is so proud of his new room. T loves his new room and has settled in quite well. I only have carpet cleaning upstairs and re organizing downstairs..... However all work and no play makes us dull or so they say so Tuesday it was back to spring break.

we went out and ran errands.... ( it was raining all day so we couldn't go to Sea World as planned) ok it wasn't exciting but, we did stop and eat at a Sonic for the first time ever. T had earned a reward from school so we took him to use his card. Sonic is not our thing..... but we tried something new !

Wednesday it really was back to fun we had planned on going to the zoo, one of our favorite hang outs. It was over capacity people were standing in the street for hours waiting to get in as others left..... luckily just around the corner from the zoo is the Japanese gardens ! So we took our picnic lunch and went to the gardens which were empty except for 1-2 people and the boys LOVED the rock walls and winding paths and the wonderful fish and ducks. The kids wandered explored and imagined the morning away in the beautiful sunshine. We had lunch at the picnic tables.... then the kids all went for a ride on the zoo train through Breckenridge park. It was off to home for a nap then because we had a really exciting evening ahead of us. Nan took the kids & I to see Disney on Ice for a St. Patrick's day treat !!!!! We saw Irish dancers outside on the green carpet before the show . Mickey & Minnie arrived in a horse drawn carriage and Minne came up the green carpet and S got a high five from Minnie !!!!!!! we felt like rock stars ! S thought it was really cool Minnie high five'd her from the green carpet. Inside it only got better, the show was full of all the kids favorite Disney characters on ice singing "dancing" . P saw Woody, H saw Buzz & captain hook, S was thrilled to see all of the princess'. It was a great show.


Thursday, the kids had a rainbow tea party here at home ( T & I had appointments all day) P made rainbow cupcakes which were extremely tasty.

Friday, we had planned to go see the snake guest at the children's museum..... however plans changed and instead we went to go see a rodent of unusual size AKA Chuck E. Cheese. My Mom loves Chuck E Cheese.... as much as the kids do so it was fun the kids ran around played laughed had fun.... went crazy and spring break went out with a bang.

This weekend will be cold and rainy..... rumor has it movie night will be the next Star Wars movie ( we started with the "old" Star Wars.... so this week will be Empire Strikes back !
Next week will be school, and work, and putting the house together and laundry..... but this week was silly fun.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

the Psychiatrist office

I was sitting in the waiting room of the psychiatrist office today when I overheard the most interesting conversation. For those of you who have never been to a psychiatrist office normally these waiting rooms are like any other doctors office people sitting somber waiting to go back for their appointment ,no drama, no scenes, no crazy stuff. I have been to countless offices in countless cities and states for T and maybe once I have seen drama or what some people might envision a psychiatrist waiting room to "look" like. Usually just old magazines scattered about and people waiting. I was waiting for T's doctor to call us back, when a conversation between a mother and her son struck me. This office is an adolescent & child psychiatry office hoverer it isn't covered in toys or anything child like. The son leans over and says loudly to the Mother ( he is right next to me) " What I was trying to say before you cut me off was that it is hard during spring break all these kids are off of school and I'm not and ( Mother cuts son off ) Mother flat out in a matter of fact voice without putting her magazine down says " You are 18 years old you are almost 19 you are not a kid anymore spring break is for kids if you choose to have younger friends this is not my issue you didn't go to work you were suppose to you are 18 now and have to act your age" Now to an outsider this might have seemed harsh. The "kid" says " I know that was my point they have spring break I don't " Mother again in matter of fact voice repeats her previous statement. The " kid" finds a new tactic to go around this Mother states sentence again...... this happens 4 more times before we are called back.....

Meanwhile right next to me T points out the gun sign again ( he does this every visit every 4 weeks and usually 5-6 times in the waiting area. Here in Texas as many know there is a concealed weapon law and many citizens carry guns all over the place. To see Texans with a gun is not unusual they have permits and it is the culture here, however in hospitals and government buildings and any Federal buildings there are gun signs that post despite the law they are not permitted on the grounds or in the building. I have not met a gun totting Texan who didn't follow the rule and most places you can place your gun in a registered gun locker desk for your time in the building. I have explained this to T many times and talked about his thoughts at nauseam on the subject. It really isn't a big issue but every time we deal with it and have the same conversation.

It is in this moment when I had the gun conversation with T for the 5th time in 20 minutes that I totally sympathized with the Mother & child next to me... different topic same repetition same strain..... I sympathized with her earlier because I have had repetitive conversations with T before on so many topics I have lost count. I sat there and wondered will this be me in 6 years ? Will I still be having these repetitive conversations ? The answer is yes because that is the reality.

As the mother of a child with a mental illness I am many things consoler, advocate, warrior mom, counselor, caretaker, mom, and reality check. I am often the "bad cop" and have to lay down the law, I often give out unpopular requests and I often have to utter phrases like " How long have you heard the voices ? Do you think you can fly all the time or just right now ? I come from a medical background and I am beginning to think my time in nursing school was so I could be his advocate and understand everything. I also have lived in this world so long there are some things that enrage me and others that inspire. I don't go to support groups because I don't feel living in the quagmire is going to change our path, treatment or position. I totally believe in support groups I believe they are useful tools to unite parents and give people a sense of place, the world is tough and to know you are not alone is a good thing. There are also resources through each other you couldn't find alone and for new parents never in this world I encourage them highly. The problem is I had baptism by fire this crept up on us and by the time we were in so deep we could have used a rescue friend we were moving so often and things were what they were. I can't go back only forward. I have friends who support me and for that I am thankful.

I am a barracuda, mother bear, dragon lady when it come to advocating for my child. Nurses laugh at my moxie, I have shocked doctors with my candor, I have been asked to teach other parents how to survive this. I am neither a saint nor a villain just a Mom with a problem. I am not sure I ever wanted to be a poster child for mental health rights or to become a spoken person. I have some fellow mental health Mom's recently ask me to lead the way. I tell them all the time I am no expert I could never teach or lead until I was. I have no answers I have not succeeded my child is not where I feel he should be. I am enraged by the fact that our mental health offerings for children are bleak, minuscule and almost non -existent. When I couldn't find what I needed or ran out of resources I dug deeper looked harder, searched further. When I reached the bottom of one barrel I found a new barrel. By shear tenacity alone I have survived what some term a unsurvivable situation. However the more I search the more I dig the more enraged I become. I still have no answers, no magic bag of resources to help and certainly no answers on a path that is helpful and can be the "solution". How can we be so clueless about mental health ? Why do we ignore it ? Why do we lack any sort of understanding ? Why isn't this getting more attention ? Why aren't there more resources ? For years doctors, nurses, psychiatrist, psychologist and other specialist have said to me "wait until he is a teenager then there are more options " Seriously ? I mean in what world do you let something spiral out of control to the point of no return and THEN seek to turn it around with a limited amount of resources and throw your hand up and say "well there is nothing we can do ? "

I wonder if we put more time and research into mental health would we have so many homeless people with mental health issues ? Truly these people are not beyond help or reason. I know back in the 50's when the mentally ill lived in facilities they weren't always right, some people where there and shouldn't have been and there were abuses to the system. However I have seen news stories and read articles about parents around the nation heartbroken and on the brink because their mentally ill child is trying to harm themselves and others and the best we can do is a 5 day hospitalization. heartbreaking stories where as parents our backs are against the walls and people make their children wards of the state to serve consequences to everyone just to get their child care. I can tell you first hand the "system " promises you the moon and the stars but puts countless road blocks up for you thwarts you at every turn and tells you to wait. There is a limited number of things to help and they limit who can access it but tell you everyone can.

If I could become an advocate for it I would say we need better doctors and more of them, we need to view mental health in a different way, we need safe places where the mentally ill can receive treatment when they need it. We need assisted living apartment complexes where mentally ill can live and work and lead normal lives but have services available to them when needed. Having working healthy adults is cheaper than countless hospital visits and stays and people homeless or unemployed or on disability. We need to wake up and recognize that children can't wait.


I have spent 10 years fighting for my son to not end up in the criminal system to help guide him to do the right thing and to view his mental health like he would heart health. He needs to take his medication just as someone with diabetes or a heart condition would take theirs to help maintain health. That he is responsible for his actions and choices and that he has to learn techniques to help himself navigate in the world. However I know full well from images in the news and from first hand experiences the deck is stacked against him that in all likely hood he could end up on the street or in the criminal system or on illegal drugs. I don't blame society or feel entitled to a hand out I feel that we should collectively work to change how the world views mental health. We need to find financially responsible ways of allowing the mentally ill to work and function and be a part of society not shunned. I believe my son should work and be productive in the capacity he can. I know Bipolar and other mental health illness aren't glamorous or Vogue like other diseases, but it is real and ignored.

I know 2 mothers here with sons' in there 20's with bipolar, they struggle as they have for years with the same issues. They, like me for years have gone to appointments sought treatment and better ways of helping their son's. They hold the same repetitive conversations with their son's, they have the same issues they have been dealing with for years. The voices, the medications, the moods, the threats, the impulsive choices. Their children are doing the same repetitive things that come with this illness, and I see frustration and defeat I see hope and inspiration and strength...... but at the end of the day with out saying the words the elephant in the room is there plain as day. We will have the same conversations over and over do the same things over and over because there is no other option. Why ?

So while I would like to think not me..... I know 6 years from now I will be sitting in the doctors office somewhere having a similar repetitive conversation about making choices and following rules and changing something. I know when T is 18 that he will still need to change his medications, he will still hear voices, still have manic phases, and still be impulsive. I just hope that we will come farther in our options and that there will be better solutions.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

St. Patrick's Day


In honor of St. Patrick's day I'm going to talk ancestors. I recently had ( an Irish friend) mention that this time of year she feels a tad bit more smug because she is actually Irish. The phrase Everyone is Irish on St. Patrick's Day is one of those wonderful contradictions that is. Admittedly many of us who are Irish all agreed we all feel the same way. We get a tad bit more smug in March because we have a claim to being Irish "for real". Admittedly we all realized this was very childish..... I mean it's not like we win a prize or that we get free green beer on the holiday. So exactly why is that we can be a bit more smug at being "real Irish" ? The mixture of the group and the level of Irish wasn't important and we certainly didn't take it that far in our "school yard" contest. Although thinking about it now all of us trying to determine who was more Irish would have just been the cherry on the childhood game now wouldn't it. I fully admit I become more smug at St. Patrick's day about the fact I have Irish blood. I'm not even Catholic. I remember when I was a child my mother would mention my Irish bloodlines.... My father would often joke that he was going to wear orange & purple instead of green for Saint Ulru ( I have no idea who this is or how to spell it) According to my father ( I would take this with a boulder of salt) the "saint" was the patron saint of the Protestants and should be just as honored. I often wonder if this is the Orange Order and the flag of Ulster... but one never knows with my father how accurate his stories are. At the time we didn't think my Father's ancestors had any ties to Ireland at all...so he could have just been stirring things up.... I say that with an impish twist.

We always wore green and I loved St. Patrick's day because it involved green and spring and it meant that soon flowers would bloom the sun would shine and we might thaw for a short time ( I lived in very cold climates as a kid). I have papers to show that indeed I have Irish blood and not just any Irish blood.....Related to Michael Collins. I guess my Great-Great Grandmother was a cousin. Later it was found that my father's family was not only Welsh but tied to a clan in Scotland ( the Gunn clan) but had ancestors from Ireland as well. Now my smug child side says well, if anyone wants to question the authenticity of my Irish heritage I have it from both sides of my genetic pool so nan nanana boo boo. What does this mean ? Not much other than I am a bit more smug in the month of March because in fact the tinge of red hair, the mile wide stubborn streak, and the fiery nature are in fact genetically encoded from some of my Irish blood.

Of course putting all of this aside I have to think of my other ancestors and what this means. I had an Uncle who loved Genealogy from my father's family and he was able to trace our family history back to the 1500's. Very exciting and the inner nerd in me loves that I know where I come from, the good, the bad, the scandalous all of it. I have actual papers showing a lot of interesting documents about my family. The nerd in me loves this too. I also have from my Mother's side some great stories and family history at least back into the 1700's. I can't neglect all of my fantastic relatives the good the bad and the downright outrageous. I would lie if I said I wasn't proud of it all. I know that I am related to Benjamin Hornagold, oh yes the famous pirate who trained black beard on how to be a pirate. H especially loves this family connection as he wishes he could be a pirate himself. I have a Colorado Governor, a slave trading wild man, a famous highway man, a Cherokee Indian and a Danish exile in the linage also. I do feel that sometimes it is important to know where you come from if you can plan where you are headed. My grandmother used to joke that figuratively we were a family of generations of gypsies. Simply because for hundred of years one side of my family couldn't make up where they wanted to be and they traveled and wandered. If I have that many generations of people who like to explore then what chance did I stand at finding happiness in one place ? My mother is a first generation immigrant, she is in fact from London. I like to imagine what my ancestors did why they went places and who they were, the curious side of me loves all of it. I know this might seem dull and boring to most but again my inner nerd loves all of it. I think about the song Galileo by the Indigo girls.

When I left for Germany last year I wrote a long note planning on posting it here about how this American girl was going to walk where her ancestors walked and what that would mean, I might post it here later. I have to say visiting a few of the places I knew relatives had come from was fascinating I felt that somehow I understood them more or at least felt closer to them. I had German relatives from Berlin ( my Great -Grandmother on my father's side came from there) I had cousins more than once removed that came from Poland ( same family). The thought we all know each other within six degrees of separation is exciting. Just from My father's family I have relatives that came from Denmark one of them worked for the Danish monarch, My Great-Grandmother came from Sweden my grandmother spoke Swedish we celebrated Swedish holiday's when I was a child. I had family that made Gauntlets in Whales, My family was part of the Gunn clan in Scotland. My Grandfather was Canadian, and family came here when they grew tired of the conflicts of the Alsace Lorraine region of France ( although my father will tell you they lived on the German side) Having traveled to the Alsace Lorraine region, and learning of it's history and when my relatives were there they were both French and German. There was a Danish Opera singer and a Swedish painter. This family had people come over on ships when we were still a colony not yet a country. They landed and owned land in North Carolina. One of these famous relatives was a well know slave trader ( told you there was some ugly). I have relatives that founded Guntersville Alabama. My cousins belong to the Daughters of the American Revolution and we had family that fought on both sides of that war, as we did with the civil war. The famous slave trader had a brother who disagreed with his views and married a Cherokee Indian who had walked in the Trail of Tears. They left to become farmers in Indiana. I think of all of this mixture and what it means. I am American made up of the melting pot of immigrants from the world and yet unequivocal tied to the Untied states and it's history to gain Independence and to unite despite the civil war. It just doesn't get any more American than that.

My mother's family is Irish, Scottish and English. My Mother told me that we are related to a highway man that was famous in certain parts of England ( there are those trouble makers cropping up ) London, Nottingham, Feltham, Norwich, Norfolk..and countless other places. Revolutionaries and common people all tied together through blood lines.

When I worked as a waitress in Alaska I met a man from England an elderly man very nice and I asked him where he was from in England ( his accent sounded familiar) After we got to talking I discovered he was from Norwich like my grandfather (my Mother's father). I told him that this is where my grandfather came from ( it explained why his accent was familiar) Well after some more talk the man asked my grandfather's name and I told him..... they lived down the street from each other went to the same grade school knew each other well. They had even exchanged letters just a few years earlier and he knew my Great-Grandfather and my Mother and my Grandmother. To know in the middle of nowhere Alaska I could find friends of my family was mind boggling and comforting also. My grandfather knew everyone in the town where he lived in Illinois as kids we joked we couldn't go anywhere unrecognized. This was good it kept us out of trouble and we all knew our place in the world, to this day there are people who still know my grandfather. The elderly man told me I had his nose and he could see my grandfather's stubborn streak in me. I have to laugh and think about this country song where the lyrics talk about being Rosemarie's granddaughter and being the spitting image of her father as she sings about small towns where you are your family.

Recently I was at a seminar and a woman next to me mentioned she used to be a music teacher ( I knew she was from Illinois) I said oh what did you teach my father was a music teacher. After a spirited conversation come to find out she used to send her bows to my grandfather's instrument repair shop and she knew my Grandfather ( my father's father) I smiled and nearly started to cry. My grandfather was an amazing man who knew everyone also in his town he was warm and loving and quick with smiles and good conversation he had a wit and intelligence that could mesmerize. I spent countless summers in my grandfather's basement workshop/store re-padding clarinets ( one of many skills I posses because of him) Doing intricate inlay repair work on gorgeous instruments. I helped hammer out dents in brass instruments, I watched my grandfather make pieces he needed at his metal lathe. I was probably the only 6 year old who knew how to work a bunson burner just right to loosen old glue and to find missing minuscule springs on the workshop floor. I would wait for the horse hair to come in and count the strands with my grandfather ( the horse hair for bows is imported and it cost hundreds of dollars and you get only a small strand every hair counts) I helped prepare it, we wore gloves so we wouldn't get oil on the hair. It hung in the basement in the back of the shop. I watched my grandfather painstakingly string those bows with such skill and accuracy it almost made time stand still. How detail orientated he was and how meticulous he was. He would deliver all of his instruments by hand in a station wagon.... the same station wagon that my brother & I rode in for all of our adventures with him. I traveled his route delivering instruments all over the central part of Illinois. My grandfather would chat with every customer, we never knew a stranger, he drank a lot of coffee and we spent a lot of time just visiting with everyone. I felt at home no matter where I roamed and I knew a lot of people. This woman used one of those bows, I remember professionals from all over the state wouldn't let anyone touch their bows but my grandfather. I used to gather shells at the river off his boat to use for our inlay repairs.... and to make buttons for a seamstress in town. This woman knew my grandfather and my father. I am never far from family no matter where I roam. This was in Dallas Texas.

It doesn't matter where we come from or how we got here or who we are related to really, what matters is if we understand we are connected and that our family is around us always whether we came from a large family or a small family. We make our own families when we travel when we show kindness to others through our friends. It is true we are all "Irish" on St Patrick's day regardless of our bloodlines. I could be more smug and say I have lots of Irish blood but a drop or a gallon it really doesn't matter because the truth is I am truly American woven into the fibers of this country throughout history.

My children are part of this tapestry, and they have new blood infused into the line through their father..... which I could write a whole page on the mixture of Sam. Which makes me laugh because my children have not only my global blood lines but Sam's and that involves at least 5 more countries around the globe.... and truly makes them even more of an American mixture.

So this Irish, English, Welsh, Scottish, Swedish, Danish,French, German, Canadian- American girl will wear green enjoy her feisty nature, drink a green drink and tell her children about their Irish relatives mixed with the others on St. Patrick's day just like my Mother did for me ...... I might wear something purple or orange for my Father just to stir things up a bit. The most important thing is we will share time and laugh and remember our family old, new, ancient and rumored.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Japanese Tea Garden



















due to technical difficulties I couldn't add all of the pictures I wanted the other day.... or in the order I wanted... Life is about adaptation so I will add pictures here.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

I'm standing on my vacation






Literally I am standing on my vacation. I had visions of far away places, palm trees, exotic travels in distant lands. Then reality came to roost and like a typical adult it came down to new floors or a vacation. My inner child screamed vacation vacation..... however my trampled carpet that has seen better days screamed for replacement. So this is how I came to literally stand on my vacation. However very typical lemons have come to me and I am making lemonade. Although some would argue that a new floor isn't lemons...... I have a lovely home I am grateful for everyday, again the inner child screams exotic adventures. I thought about this standing thing often, almost daily for 2 weeks. I day dreamed of winning the lottery and having both. I thought about those trade offs we all make everyday, the compromises of life. I laughed and thought about my economics professor in graduate school discussing opportunity costs and how neat and tidy everything looks on paper.... although living with it can be a challenge. I also realized that with Sam's up coming travel schedule for work family vacation or a dreamed of getaway for me was not going to be easy to schedule. I am happy to have a new floor even if it means standing on my vacation.

Back to that lemonade..... I decided last summer between reeling from two international moves in 8 months and summer temperatures soaring in the 100's for 59 days..... and the lack of household goods... a new house and an unstable child..... summer didn't exist...we ran through the fall.... gasped at winter and only now as spring emerges are we finally clearing the fog to see where we live. This is when I realized I was standing on my vacation in more than one way..... It was a subtle seduction really Sam & I had dinner out with friends and saw a new side of the city, We had company come and we explored some places we had heard about...... I had read about these legendary "stay cations" in family magazines and finally a family member said " Is your blog about your city ? Do you want to tell others about Texas? " At the time the idea seemed strange, I mean after all I wasn't sure I was Texas material or that I could really call myself a Texan. Back to my previous blog post of writing my name in the land.... could I call Texas home ? I have explored other parts of Texas in my life, yet it was long ago and far away and not the thing I felt a passion for. Some days I feel like I could be happy here I could write my name in the land a put down roots. I could someday after time call myself a Texan. I have come to see a glimmer of a life, I have made a few friends and staved off the lonely hamster wheel I feel I am on. Of course there are days my gypsy heart screams to be wild and run amuck across the globe. I nearly cried at the thought of never straying from these borders, my passport collecting dust. I could belong to one place or one state my heart is to big for just one place. After waffling in true piscian style I again thought of those lemons, I am standing on my vacation.

Spring is coming and while I am unsure of vacations, Texas and my own ability to remain sane in one spot... I am absolutely sure about one thing. I can't live another Summer trapped in nothing. I am a planner by nature and explorer in spirit, I need adventure and new things, I need to learn. I want the kids to have the best of the word we live in no matter how temporary or permanent that is. I have always gotten out and explored where we live ...even if it meant we had months or a year. Texas should not be the exception. I want to make sure I keep idle hands busy for the summer, I maintain my sanity and that we live. I have planned spring break activities, I have planned summer things and I have made a list of things we missed, things we have been meaning to get to, and things we want to see. This year is the time to do it. We will conquer the list, we will explore San Antonio, and Texas. I am standing on my "vacation". Lemons will be converted to lemonade while I will not be off to Morocco, Japan, the Caribbean, Egypt or Greece... I will see Big Bend National Park.

The kids and I will go and explore all of the must see things here in San Antonio, we will see the things in the area people whisper about and we will become Texans while in Texas. In September my friends came for a visit, they are family to me and they suggested we go to the Japanese tea garden. I had been dying to see this I had heard of it's beauty I just hadn't ventured out. I spent a blissful rainy day in these gardens and can't wait to go back. Most of our outing together no matter the country involve rain and trust me these two people make being in the rain fun. The gardens were beautiful and full of local and exotic plants, the stairs the buildings the sculptures and ever=n the waterfall was amazing. I can't wait to go back and I hope those of you coming to the city will make time to walk through these gardens. They are free and have recently been renovated. In the middle of the city there is this beautiful oasis full of hidden treasures.