the Psychiatrist office

I was sitting in the waiting room of the psychiatrist office today when I overheard the most interesting conversation. For those of you who have never been to a psychiatrist office normally these waiting rooms are like any other doctors office people sitting somber waiting to go back for their appointment ,no drama, no scenes, no crazy stuff. I have been to countless offices in countless cities and states for T and maybe once I have seen drama or what some people might envision a psychiatrist waiting room to "look" like. Usually just old magazines scattered about and people waiting. I was waiting for T's doctor to call us back, when a conversation between a mother and her son struck me. This office is an adolescent & child psychiatry office hoverer it isn't covered in toys or anything child like. The son leans over and says loudly to the Mother ( he is right next to me) " What I was trying to say before you cut me off was that it is hard during spring break all these kids are off of school and I'm not and ( Mother cuts son off ) Mother flat out in a matter of fact voice without putting her magazine down says " You are 18 years old you are almost 19 you are not a kid anymore spring break is for kids if you choose to have younger friends this is not my issue you didn't go to work you were suppose to you are 18 now and have to act your age" Now to an outsider this might have seemed harsh. The "kid" says " I know that was my point they have spring break I don't " Mother again in matter of fact voice repeats her previous statement. The " kid" finds a new tactic to go around this Mother states sentence again...... this happens 4 more times before we are called back.....

Meanwhile right next to me T points out the gun sign again ( he does this every visit every 4 weeks and usually 5-6 times in the waiting area. Here in Texas as many know there is a concealed weapon law and many citizens carry guns all over the place. To see Texans with a gun is not unusual they have permits and it is the culture here, however in hospitals and government buildings and any Federal buildings there are gun signs that post despite the law they are not permitted on the grounds or in the building. I have not met a gun totting Texan who didn't follow the rule and most places you can place your gun in a registered gun locker desk for your time in the building. I have explained this to T many times and talked about his thoughts at nauseam on the subject. It really isn't a big issue but every time we deal with it and have the same conversation.

It is in this moment when I had the gun conversation with T for the 5th time in 20 minutes that I totally sympathized with the Mother & child next to me... different topic same repetition same strain..... I sympathized with her earlier because I have had repetitive conversations with T before on so many topics I have lost count. I sat there and wondered will this be me in 6 years ? Will I still be having these repetitive conversations ? The answer is yes because that is the reality.

As the mother of a child with a mental illness I am many things consoler, advocate, warrior mom, counselor, caretaker, mom, and reality check. I am often the "bad cop" and have to lay down the law, I often give out unpopular requests and I often have to utter phrases like " How long have you heard the voices ? Do you think you can fly all the time or just right now ? I come from a medical background and I am beginning to think my time in nursing school was so I could be his advocate and understand everything. I also have lived in this world so long there are some things that enrage me and others that inspire. I don't go to support groups because I don't feel living in the quagmire is going to change our path, treatment or position. I totally believe in support groups I believe they are useful tools to unite parents and give people a sense of place, the world is tough and to know you are not alone is a good thing. There are also resources through each other you couldn't find alone and for new parents never in this world I encourage them highly. The problem is I had baptism by fire this crept up on us and by the time we were in so deep we could have used a rescue friend we were moving so often and things were what they were. I can't go back only forward. I have friends who support me and for that I am thankful.

I am a barracuda, mother bear, dragon lady when it come to advocating for my child. Nurses laugh at my moxie, I have shocked doctors with my candor, I have been asked to teach other parents how to survive this. I am neither a saint nor a villain just a Mom with a problem. I am not sure I ever wanted to be a poster child for mental health rights or to become a spoken person. I have some fellow mental health Mom's recently ask me to lead the way. I tell them all the time I am no expert I could never teach or lead until I was. I have no answers I have not succeeded my child is not where I feel he should be. I am enraged by the fact that our mental health offerings for children are bleak, minuscule and almost non -existent. When I couldn't find what I needed or ran out of resources I dug deeper looked harder, searched further. When I reached the bottom of one barrel I found a new barrel. By shear tenacity alone I have survived what some term a unsurvivable situation. However the more I search the more I dig the more enraged I become. I still have no answers, no magic bag of resources to help and certainly no answers on a path that is helpful and can be the "solution". How can we be so clueless about mental health ? Why do we ignore it ? Why do we lack any sort of understanding ? Why isn't this getting more attention ? Why aren't there more resources ? For years doctors, nurses, psychiatrist, psychologist and other specialist have said to me "wait until he is a teenager then there are more options " Seriously ? I mean in what world do you let something spiral out of control to the point of no return and THEN seek to turn it around with a limited amount of resources and throw your hand up and say "well there is nothing we can do ? "

I wonder if we put more time and research into mental health would we have so many homeless people with mental health issues ? Truly these people are not beyond help or reason. I know back in the 50's when the mentally ill lived in facilities they weren't always right, some people where there and shouldn't have been and there were abuses to the system. However I have seen news stories and read articles about parents around the nation heartbroken and on the brink because their mentally ill child is trying to harm themselves and others and the best we can do is a 5 day hospitalization. heartbreaking stories where as parents our backs are against the walls and people make their children wards of the state to serve consequences to everyone just to get their child care. I can tell you first hand the "system " promises you the moon and the stars but puts countless road blocks up for you thwarts you at every turn and tells you to wait. There is a limited number of things to help and they limit who can access it but tell you everyone can.

If I could become an advocate for it I would say we need better doctors and more of them, we need to view mental health in a different way, we need safe places where the mentally ill can receive treatment when they need it. We need assisted living apartment complexes where mentally ill can live and work and lead normal lives but have services available to them when needed. Having working healthy adults is cheaper than countless hospital visits and stays and people homeless or unemployed or on disability. We need to wake up and recognize that children can't wait.


I have spent 10 years fighting for my son to not end up in the criminal system to help guide him to do the right thing and to view his mental health like he would heart health. He needs to take his medication just as someone with diabetes or a heart condition would take theirs to help maintain health. That he is responsible for his actions and choices and that he has to learn techniques to help himself navigate in the world. However I know full well from images in the news and from first hand experiences the deck is stacked against him that in all likely hood he could end up on the street or in the criminal system or on illegal drugs. I don't blame society or feel entitled to a hand out I feel that we should collectively work to change how the world views mental health. We need to find financially responsible ways of allowing the mentally ill to work and function and be a part of society not shunned. I believe my son should work and be productive in the capacity he can. I know Bipolar and other mental health illness aren't glamorous or Vogue like other diseases, but it is real and ignored.

I know 2 mothers here with sons' in there 20's with bipolar, they struggle as they have for years with the same issues. They, like me for years have gone to appointments sought treatment and better ways of helping their son's. They hold the same repetitive conversations with their son's, they have the same issues they have been dealing with for years. The voices, the medications, the moods, the threats, the impulsive choices. Their children are doing the same repetitive things that come with this illness, and I see frustration and defeat I see hope and inspiration and strength...... but at the end of the day with out saying the words the elephant in the room is there plain as day. We will have the same conversations over and over do the same things over and over because there is no other option. Why ?

So while I would like to think not me..... I know 6 years from now I will be sitting in the doctors office somewhere having a similar repetitive conversation about making choices and following rules and changing something. I know when T is 18 that he will still need to change his medications, he will still hear voices, still have manic phases, and still be impulsive. I just hope that we will come farther in our options and that there will be better solutions.