Love

Love. Yes one word can be a sentence. Love is the basis of everything, relax before you walk away to puke or figure I'm insane. I have no less than eight friends in true relationship crisis, either they are in a divorce, post divorce or thinking about divorce. I have some dealing with the death of a spouse.

I once read an article (that was not very good) about a woman who had 4 friends divorce all at once. The one thing the article did raise was the question " How can I avoid comparing" now my take on her run down of her marriage: when every one's relationship is crumbling she wondered how can I save mine ? What do I need to look at here? To pull a page from my wise friend J's book. " I don't compare marriages I don't go in theirs and I don't expect them to be in mine." I agree with this. The only people in that relationship be it family, friend or marriage is the 2 people concerned. However as humans we are always stuck on love.

Shakespeare, you either love him or hate him. I get the language is cumbersome but, the reason I feel he is as relevant today as he was in his day. He captures the essence of humans and all their emotions in the raw form. Think about it. Love, how can we get it ? How to keep it, how to deal with the loss of it. Plays, books, sonnets, movies, and TV shows all revolve around it. The search, the loss, keeping it, relishing it. Really a majority of our "entertainment" world is about Love or some aspect of it.

Religion is about love on many levels no matter what religion you are…Yes even the atheist have love if only to love the fact they can be without religion. Country & Culture, love of a homeland or a people or a way of life, everyday mundane task show a love of societal norms. Work, some would say that is hate, no love of money, power, love of self, love of doing a job for others. Love of what you do or loving what you do as a job. Working to change the world, working for the love of achievement. Love has many forms and many faces and just like people it isn't always pretty. However is there really any emotion more powerful ?

Literature is full of Love themes the good the bad and the ugly ones of hope and inspiration and tales of sorrow and loss or betrayal and anger. But it is always there LOVE.

could we possibly say it is what defines humanity LOVE ? I say yes Love is what binds us all in one form or another.

In one discussion about divorce ( a friend in the middle of a messy nasty one) She asked me straight would I choose death or Divorce? Our mutual friends husband recently died unexpectedly. I have to weigh this question heavily. She is in pain, not suicidal but other divorced people tell her often that death would be easier to deal with because it is a quick clean cut. I would contest this argument as I have seen good & bad divorces but I have also known death and it is like comparing apples and oranges and death isn't always a clean cut. However I will give her that in the depth of her pain anguish & frustration a clean break versus a royal mess would look interesting.

I have always been driven by love it consumes me. I love life, I love people, I love the world and everything it. I love my family my children. I love to learn to listen and to experience. I love it all the good the bad & the ugly. I also throw myself head first into love which can cause problems of it's own believe me. I don't know how to not love with everything I have. This also causes problems.

I have no answer for her because I haven't been divorced. I have watched it happen gone through it with friends & family. It is hard it is painful even under the best of circumstances and the aftermath is messy. It takes a long time to heal from that. Death now I can speak about this I have experienced this very closely, there is no fear of the unknown here. I have seen it first hand literally holding the hand of many dying people witnessing that first hand. Not to be gory but having worked in the ER I have held people's brain matter in my hand I have held a beating heart while Doctors raced to save the person. Working on the ambulance I have been there and spoken to those dying and those coming back. I have seen it from a distance, helped friends and family through it. I have lost people who were my whole world to death. There is an aftermath to death that is unique and excruciating that is so entirely different from divorce that it is not to be compared. This isn't even apples & oranges this is apples and rocks. I have also watched people grieve long beyond when it is healthy and seen the lingering effects of a sudden death change a person forever.

Both death and divorce have their unique qualities that impact our views on life forever, but not in the same way.

What I do know is like anything in life there is a dark and a light side to Love and that I do believe that it is the foundation of humanity. The very thread in the tapestry of our essence that holds it together. Most of our life is living in love, with love, or seeking love, or healing love, or giving love or thinking about love.

I know that the love of family, friends and spirituality will carry my friends through their relationship challenges. Even though it isn't clear or obvious and even though it feels like they are losing love in fact they are loved by so many. Love will heal them in the end some may even find new love in their life through friends or work or in a different relationship.

I think about one of my favorite quotes from Ana Caram " It is the holes in the lace that render it beautiful"
Love is complex and infinite even with it's perfect flaws.
While we may not always see love in the way we would like, each of us is loved by our family & friends so very much and love is a blessing we all share together.

India the chapter

I have told all of you I am reading the book Eat, Pray, Love and there are many interesting quotes and pearls of information. I laughed hysterically in Italy and now I have moved onto India in the book. The book is divided into 3 sections or books Italy, India & Indonesia. I have been angry in India, not at the writer or the story it is a great book this section bugs me. I was bothered that I would be angry in India I mean after all she has gone to study in an Ashram what is there to be angry about ? Exactly. Because I can never let it rest I had to understand why it was making me angry, I feel my life is coated in anger I don't need anymore. Plus I thought this will be very helpful for the book club I am in. So I feel I need to be a good student and be able to bring something to the table. I should be able to dissect it talk about it and give useful insight to help a discussion. When others bring intellectual currency to the table I should be able to honor them by returning with intelligent conversation. See where this is going ? " How can I be perfect"

So this brings me back to India and why I am angry. We all have places in the world we want to go, far away, or close to home, things we want to see and experience. I have a list, a list so complete that in Type A personality Heather I have a whole around the world trip planned. Oh yes down to places amount of time and things to see in each location including food, accommodations and events. Remember from the other post if I am going to delve into the world of fantasy it is going to be thorough with my whole being thrust head first into total delusion…..

Actually I have it figured out how much I need down to the penny to do this trip with my 3 kids or by myself ( it is best to have contingency plans) I also have 2 alternate routes based on changes in desire or necessity.

Why do I mention this, well let's get to that. Since I was about 1 my response for anything is " I might miss something" I would love to see every nook and cranny of the world I can. The world is a big place just waiting to be seen. I love a wide variety of cultures and places and I'm not typically a judgmental person. I have never had a want or desire to go to India. Ok I would like to see the Taj Mahal but really I have no desire to go there none. It has bugged me why wouldn't I ? I mean I want to go to Bhutan, Nepal and I wouldn't mind exploring islands around India. Why not India ? Could this be the reason I am angry about the section on India in the book ? After delving into the fantasy of traveling worldwide and blogging to all of you….. and trying to figure out why not India…. I definitely decided that this is not my problem with the chapter in India. The book isn't even talking about India.

The author is struggling with her meditations in India while she is trying to find the divine side of God. Could this mean I have my own longing for a closer relationship with spirituality ? I will say I miss the community I had in New York ,I miss community worship. I miss talking religion in a loving way and intellectually. Perhaps….. but this really isn't about religion either. I am comfortable with my spirituality and I want to be a part of a community and at some point I will be again. Until then God & I are fine, I read and I pray and I find inner spirituality. H talks about spirituality and religion daily testing even my mental muscles to help him find the answers he is seeking.

I know it isn't cultural…… well a good way into this India excursion in the book we came to the thick of it. The author is shedding her ego, quieting her mind and has to work off anger.

Remember the beginning where I said I didn't want to be angry over something like this because I had too much anger already……

Well there it is I am sensing the hidden anger before it is revealed. There it was bubbling off of her in her healing and seeking and I was more than happy to just absorb it all under the surface. Funny how at times small things parallel our lives even if they are completely unrelated.

I am not an angry person by nature, I dislike it and strive to prevent it. Yet there is a lot of anger & frustration in my life. Daily I try to work it off, ignore it, let it go and in general banish it. However when you fight with anger especially on many fronts it will consume you. It saps your energy, it robs you of your happiness, it blocks love. I don't care how strong you are or what kind of warrior you are it will conquer you.

This reminds me of a Doctor I met ( of course in relationship to T always with T) This Doctor I knew for a short time, he is a military doctor coming to the end of his military service. He is currently deployed to Afghanistan so please say a special prayer for him. This doctor cares he is a pediatrician the kind who wants to know your kid from beginning to end who would let you call him at 3 am and who can sum up a situation in a few short minutes. He has a calm about him and he radiates love. He loves what he does , he loves his family, he loves a lot of people in a lot of places. Kindness. This poor doctor met me in the middle of the Germany mess with T at the worst possible moment of that mess. I would say the darkest hour. It really wasn't his mess and he really didn't have to get involved as he had another job totally unrelated. yet he helped our family, and a few other families too on top of his regular job that was demanding. He saw me seething with anger, I give him credit I hide it well only those that would know me would understand exactly how dangerously angry I was in that moment he talked to me. After navigating a tricky situation and being the calm I needed not to end up in prison figuratively…… he said
" Heather anger is only good when it can be used productively if it helps solve the situation fine if not it is useless and will only destroy you" At the time I had useless anger that was getting me no where, but I also had a son in serious crisis and I had my back against a wall. I would like to tell you I could back down from a fight that I could get past anger and not lash out in a place like that but I'm not there yet. When I get really ticked I take these words and twist them in my mind. I think of his calm, his peacefulness, I think about the love he has for everything.

So back to India, the author is shedding anger and ego and pride, I am absorbing it through the pages. I have enough anger in my life I don't need more. I need a quiet mind and a heart full of love this is what will banish anger & frustration. I have brute strength it will leave me standing but……

Today I think we all need to look for that calm space where we quiet our mind and find peace.

Whole lot of information

Some days we are on an endless hamster wheel the routine...... other days we get hit with so much information we don't know where to start to process. There are times I wish the information had come oh say a week earlier when I could have really used the insight, or perhaps I even shudder to think it but there are some pieces of information we just wish we hadn't received. Today was a day with a whole lot of information, which let's face it if it were a slow day we wouldn't be here together. H has a camp this week a science/reading camp. H is enjoying this immensely and it is a special treat because only 2 students from his school were selected to attend and it is by invitation only. I am one proud Mom, however this camp is 25 miles on the far side of town, it is only 4 hours a day and smack in the middle of the day right through downtown traffic. With traffic it is an hour each way. Like all things in life there is a beautiful gift hidden in some murky mess.

I feel like I am driving and driving and driving...... while I love to drive I am also on the hamster wheel of the same route. The other Mom & I are splitting weeks. I have her daughter this week to drive and she will take H next week since I will be on a road trip ( more on that later) H & his friend have chatted and it is going well our car pooling. H was disappointed to learn that carpool did not mean he was going swimming at some cool new pool. M likes country music, H likes classical so we listen to country in the morning, which is a new experience for all of us and classic in the afternoon. I know this seems to be a dull story however I assure you it is coming to the point. Like those dull days that suddenly are filled with information.

It started with the few pages of reading I accomplished in the book Eat ,Pray, Love ( I told you that there would be fabulous peral coming from there) I read a part about soul mates and their legitimacy, and purpose. It was very interesting and I had closure in a thought I had let rest for a long time. Although I find I'm angry reading India, I can tell you there will be a post on that.

Then I rush home to get my errands run grocery shopping to prepare for my trip next week. My Mom had a long list of other errands and I realized my day had changed shape in an instant..... reminding me that sometimes the best laid plans are often cast aside for just as necessary jobs. This is a good reminder for me the control freak to go and change, adapt and not be frustrated the day didn't come out in my image of what is should have been. It was productive and useful just the same.

Contractor woes..... and the realization that a life lesson has been learned and that I KNOW exactly what to do next time and how to handle the road ahead.

Frustration with T again over the usual suspects..... perhaps this year my new years resolution should be to get off that hamster wheel all together and let the chips fall where they might. I know this will be the mount Everest of challenges and the rock I will beat my head against until the end. I have not accepted the life lesson in this area yet. That information in the middle of a random Wednesday is not always welcome.

Then I leave to get H & his friend from camp ( in Siberia) We are driving home and H & M are chatting away about their day and the various break downs of what happened what they learned who liked what.... the type of chatter you would expect. When out of the blue I hear a phrase that nearly causes me to stop but doesn't exactly shock me. H out of the blue says " M's brother is in jail Mom" and H proceeds to turn to M and ask her what he did to get there and how she feels about it. I turn to H and say " H you don't always like it when people question you about T being in the hospital you need to realize that M might not want to talk about it here in the car" Now folks here is where a small life lesson trickled into the day and whole lot of information was packed into a tiny amount of information. M says matter of fact to me in the most even voice " Oh no I am fine with it we talk about it all the time I don't mind talking about it." and H & M chatter on as if the topic of a 16 year old in Juvenile hall was normal. I am not judging I understand completely while T doesn't go to "jail" he has frequent hospitalizations under mental health circumstances, now this doesn't make any of us uncomfortable but it will make those around you squirm faster than anything. I am actually pleased that is a tough thing for a small kid to deal with and it doesn't escape me that H has difficult things in his life also. Isn't that what friends are for a safe place to be yourself and to talk to be there for each other. I would hope H could talk about our situations with as much ease it is better to get it all out right ?

M proceeded to tell me she misses NC where they lived before ( her Dad is also in the Air Force) They in her words " Had to move here because of my brothers problems" I didn't say much and she repeated " We were sent to Texas on purpose" Well now there again is just a big motuhful of information packed in a small package.

The longer we live here in Texas the more I get to know those around me in my military community. I can tell you most but not all are sent here for "humanitarian" reasons and we all came here because of some story. It is not your typical place. San Antonio has 7 bases 2 major hospitals and a huge collective pool of military resources, it is a large city, and it has a lot of administrative purposes as well. This is not an earth shattering revelation many families try to come here get sent here and stay here for all of those reasons.

I have lived here for a year the bizarre thing is I can't tell you the day we came here, for me that is odd I can usually tell you the day I moved somewhere. The CA-Germany-TX triangle of a year the year of disaster has erased my memory. I actually threw away the calendar last December as if I could just toss the whole year away like it never happened. I wasn't thrilled about coming here but I wasn't against it either. I knew we had no other option we were "sent here on purpose" too. Many here were and yet in this strange place we all coalesce and find our way.

There are strong communities here for many reasons. San Antonio is one of the most military friendly cities I have ever been to the local population embraces us with a warmth that is so wonderful. The "unique" families have a network, and there are many spouses I have met who like me live on the "fringe" ..... meaning we aren't your typical run of the mill Military spouse. Like a secret underground club we hold each other up we make things run and we fight for what we need.

I don't know M's Mom very well and we don't see each other socially. I know she is busy she has 4 kids to and is pregnant. What I can tell you is even though M wasn't one of H's best friends in school they have more in common than not. I have respect for this family that has been exiled like me to TX. Sometimes even if we believe it and live it .... a reminder on a random Wednesday of " Don't judge a book by it's cover" is an excellent piece of information.

I also think that it is good to talk about those things that make others cringe because then it really doesn't fester and become a mountain of frustration.

Random thoughts.....

So I'm manic again.... not in a literal sense.... I can joke about it. I have heard women can crack jokes about women, African-Americans can make jokes about African-Americans..... you see where I am going. I live with crazy I know crazy and I have had plenty of experience with crazy so I can joke about crazy. That said I feel like I have a million things to say all at once and can't get this rush of thought out fast enough and even if I could it would make very little sense to anyone outside of my head.

As the mother of 3 1/2 year old twins I have been asleep.... I can't tell you about books, or movies or anything current because while I function in the world I stumble through it trying to survive my own storms. This has become very apparent in the "what are you doing" questions. I think I used to hike, swim,ski, rock climb, explore, write, read, knit, try new things....... Now I try not to scream as for the fourth time today someone rips apart their room, dumps the box of q-tips, spills their milk again ( and always on the crack of the table I might add). I have been in a daze. I have a friend who urged me to read some books..... which shall remain nameless because I NEVER would have read them they were nonsense I wasn't going to get sucked into. No they aren't romance novels don't worry. I read them ,4 of them, all over 300 pages and all in a week.... and I have read them each again at least 7 times in the last 2 months. YES they are THAT good ! I can read, I miss reading oh how I miss reading. I realized the last book I read was the seventh Harry Potter book while I was pregnant with the twins. I have read magazines and articles and snippets of good stuff online but a real book with real pages for me...... I LOVE books..... well since then I have also read 4 other books. No worries nothing meaty I am working up to that, flexing my literary might. They are all quick reads, although, I did squeeze in Sense & Sensibility again for classical balance. I recently had an awesome conversation over wine with a friend about Civil War novels and our favorite generals and who writes the best books and what we love about the people the time and the authors. There are 4 civil war novels I am going to read before the year is out because I am ready for the meaty stuff again.

I realized when I watched a movie with Jenny that I couldn't remember the last movie I had watched that I wanted to see. I realized I had missed a few I wanted to see. It took being stranded on a plane for 3 hours with nothing to read ( I flew through the 5 magazines I was behind on in one hour kid free) To finally watch a movie Sam had put on my itouch nearly a year ago.... and the movie was a few years old already. Elizabeth the Golden age, it was GOOD of course I LOVE Queen Elizabeth I, so much I mean, she would be the person of history I would love to meet..... I could write several blog posts just about her.

I have tried to watch a few movies I wanted to watch even if it is in pieces over a few days or I fast forward through some.... I watched the Time Traveler's Wife... oh goodness had I any idea I wouldn't have it is like Lassie all over again I cried and I try to avoid that.

I realized today that there are some things I want to be mine. Not that I wouldn't share about them or talk about them but really there are some things that I want that are just MINE. See what hanging out with toddlers will do to you. You pick up the lingo. I need to turn off a certain voice in my head. Oh stop we all have them I'm not that crazy. This one is the negative voice of people I know. I need to leave that voice off, when I do and when I really push it out by making myself busy which I love to do, then I find I become a creative more vibrant version of myself.

That said, in the shower I was thinking about a conversation I had with a friend about a laptop. I have never had one that was mine ever, which isn't strange they weren't popular to own in the dinosaur days of my college experience ( I didn't have e-mail until my senior year) In grad school I used my home computer, I didn't work..... Sam has his I have used it every once in awhile.... Like a cell phone did I really need one ? I mean really what for ? Well I was talking with this friend and I must have seemed like an alien. This friend doesn't know me well so I might have even appeared like a fearful female afraid to be independent ( although I doubt anyone who knows me would get that idea at all) then I thought about going back and explaining that to this friend.

I am the girl you can take to the woods with a q-tip and I can build you a mall.....
You need to pack 20 lbs into a 5 lb bag great I'm your gal....
I have packed everything and the kitchen sink in no time flat in less space than any human I know ( thank you grandpa)
You have no clue how you are going to survive this cataclysmic event in your life..... call me I am your girl
You need to do more with less and now..... It's me
You need to know some quote from some obscure author who lived 300 years ago.... Call me
You need something you don't think you could find anywhere I am the Radar of the real world.....
At 3 am when you have been drinking you need to know if alcohol is going to mess up the medication you think you aren't suppose to drink while on... call me I'm you're girl....

Jane of all trades here at your service.... including Shakespearean sonnets you need for a date tomorrow......

I am the one at my house who says " You don't need that" or "we can live without this" Sam loves to tease me I would be bartering for livestock if he would let me..... I didn't own a TV when I met him I could totally live without one happily...... I had to be cajoled into a cell phone and I'm still not sold on it.......( and it is a simple phone trust me)

It isn't I can't get a laptop or that I wouldn't put it to good use...... I am a minimalist in some ways and yet a total pack rat in others ( remember those books, ask Sam how much he likes my antique Dental cabinet)
I NEVER buy anything for myself and if I do it has a price tag of under $30.00 and it better be on sale, clearance, or have a coupon...... ok I break this for very good reason..... Jenny would call it her Cost per Use equation..... I say in the past it proved it's value I can't live without it ( I would willingly pay 70.00 for a pair of Teva's because I can tell you from experience that there is NOTHING in the universe you can't do in teva's and they last through it all) I paid 65.00 for this DKNY Cozy...... which was on sale at an outlet and I had an extra coupon..... it can be worn in 24 different ways comes with a video a flyer and online resources for more ideas..... it is cashmere and silk and it has proven to be the best fashion gimme widget on the planet next to my Teva's .....and I look great in it ( it has even been used as a blanket more than once)

So today I bought a Coach purse....... now this would be where the phone would ring and my husband would be in in a state of irritation ( not really he never reads this and in his own words " I never worry about you if it isn't a steal it doesn't make it past you and you would never spend money frivolously" so we'll see if he mentions this when I pick him up next week )
I have always wanted a Coach purse but I would NEVER pay the retail price for one. I had a love hate relationship with them in true Pisces style. I would love to have one and be like everyone else and they come in so many fun styles and colors and I am holding out for a purple one of course. I would hate to have one because everyone has one and they never seem to come out in the right shade of purple and who pays that for a purse......... fear not friends I haven't gone totally mad... I was at the outlet it was double sale day and there was a coupon...... it was clearance and it cost less than a sale purse that would be fake leather at a department store.... I usually buy one purse a year and use it until it dies when I totally and completely agonize over buying one... like jeans they never are quite right and I expect a lot as we will be together daily through kids, goo, sticky messes, rushed errands, flights, pack mule moments and other unexpected catastrophes for a good long while and I better get every penny out of it...... ( there is a reason people joke about me being a cross between a drill sargent & a general.....)

So I did it, I bought it, a purple Coach purse all leather ( nothing like solid un adorned leather to call to me) It is beautiful ,I bought it..... the weird thing is I feel no guilt........ maybe tomorrow.... but really no guilt..... then I thought about the laptop conversation..... I am not lacking in Independence I am overly independent.... the problem lies in I am so " I can do without" that I forget it is ok to do with occasionally..... enter Sam who indulges that often to my dismay & distraction..... of course he gave up a long time ago trying to convert me to the "indulge" side.... although he reminds me often it is fun to eat out buy something for no rational purpose. I know if he reads this he won't believe it until he sees it......

I was in Coach looking at laptop bags.....which reminded me of a conversation with another friend right after I talked about why I dislike cell phones for me... I want an iphone, she burst out laughing hysterically saying " you go from no phone to not wanting a phone, to you have to have an iphone !" ( hey if I am going to the realm of unnecessary & dream it should be good right) so I was shopping for laptop bags...... and a Coach one too, right, because if you are going to go for technology you might as well go all the way. I wanted one of those pure leather bags that professors carry. You know solid sturdy dependable supple leather that will see you through 20 years without flinching and look better for it leather bags....... when I was sidetracked into a leather purple purse.......

so I guess the point of this is to say..while I have never had a laptop of my own because I don't need one..... It isn't because I am a needy dependant female who can't figure out what to do or find for herself..... I really just forget that it is ok to shop for myself and indulge on a splurge once a decade..... but once I turn the voice of reason off I can do just that.

Now that my creative mind is living in fantasy I plan to write..... to maybe knit again.... to definitely read and read and read..... to think with wild abandon as I love to learn and I plan to form some great dreams......

on a side note read the book Eat, Pray, Love it is hilarious and fun and useful and worth the time ( it's short 331 pages) I have been laughing in Italy all evening. I am reading it for my online book club.... my first formal book club as I have talked books with people for years just not in an organized group..... it should be fun ! I know I will have a few posts on the pearls of wisdom from this book.