India the chapter

I have told all of you I am reading the book Eat, Pray, Love and there are many interesting quotes and pearls of information. I laughed hysterically in Italy and now I have moved onto India in the book. The book is divided into 3 sections or books Italy, India & Indonesia. I have been angry in India, not at the writer or the story it is a great book this section bugs me. I was bothered that I would be angry in India I mean after all she has gone to study in an Ashram what is there to be angry about ? Exactly. Because I can never let it rest I had to understand why it was making me angry, I feel my life is coated in anger I don't need anymore. Plus I thought this will be very helpful for the book club I am in. So I feel I need to be a good student and be able to bring something to the table. I should be able to dissect it talk about it and give useful insight to help a discussion. When others bring intellectual currency to the table I should be able to honor them by returning with intelligent conversation. See where this is going ? " How can I be perfect"

So this brings me back to India and why I am angry. We all have places in the world we want to go, far away, or close to home, things we want to see and experience. I have a list, a list so complete that in Type A personality Heather I have a whole around the world trip planned. Oh yes down to places amount of time and things to see in each location including food, accommodations and events. Remember from the other post if I am going to delve into the world of fantasy it is going to be thorough with my whole being thrust head first into total delusion…..

Actually I have it figured out how much I need down to the penny to do this trip with my 3 kids or by myself ( it is best to have contingency plans) I also have 2 alternate routes based on changes in desire or necessity.

Why do I mention this, well let's get to that. Since I was about 1 my response for anything is " I might miss something" I would love to see every nook and cranny of the world I can. The world is a big place just waiting to be seen. I love a wide variety of cultures and places and I'm not typically a judgmental person. I have never had a want or desire to go to India. Ok I would like to see the Taj Mahal but really I have no desire to go there none. It has bugged me why wouldn't I ? I mean I want to go to Bhutan, Nepal and I wouldn't mind exploring islands around India. Why not India ? Could this be the reason I am angry about the section on India in the book ? After delving into the fantasy of traveling worldwide and blogging to all of you….. and trying to figure out why not India…. I definitely decided that this is not my problem with the chapter in India. The book isn't even talking about India.

The author is struggling with her meditations in India while she is trying to find the divine side of God. Could this mean I have my own longing for a closer relationship with spirituality ? I will say I miss the community I had in New York ,I miss community worship. I miss talking religion in a loving way and intellectually. Perhaps….. but this really isn't about religion either. I am comfortable with my spirituality and I want to be a part of a community and at some point I will be again. Until then God & I are fine, I read and I pray and I find inner spirituality. H talks about spirituality and religion daily testing even my mental muscles to help him find the answers he is seeking.

I know it isn't cultural…… well a good way into this India excursion in the book we came to the thick of it. The author is shedding her ego, quieting her mind and has to work off anger.

Remember the beginning where I said I didn't want to be angry over something like this because I had too much anger already……

Well there it is I am sensing the hidden anger before it is revealed. There it was bubbling off of her in her healing and seeking and I was more than happy to just absorb it all under the surface. Funny how at times small things parallel our lives even if they are completely unrelated.

I am not an angry person by nature, I dislike it and strive to prevent it. Yet there is a lot of anger & frustration in my life. Daily I try to work it off, ignore it, let it go and in general banish it. However when you fight with anger especially on many fronts it will consume you. It saps your energy, it robs you of your happiness, it blocks love. I don't care how strong you are or what kind of warrior you are it will conquer you.

This reminds me of a Doctor I met ( of course in relationship to T always with T) This Doctor I knew for a short time, he is a military doctor coming to the end of his military service. He is currently deployed to Afghanistan so please say a special prayer for him. This doctor cares he is a pediatrician the kind who wants to know your kid from beginning to end who would let you call him at 3 am and who can sum up a situation in a few short minutes. He has a calm about him and he radiates love. He loves what he does , he loves his family, he loves a lot of people in a lot of places. Kindness. This poor doctor met me in the middle of the Germany mess with T at the worst possible moment of that mess. I would say the darkest hour. It really wasn't his mess and he really didn't have to get involved as he had another job totally unrelated. yet he helped our family, and a few other families too on top of his regular job that was demanding. He saw me seething with anger, I give him credit I hide it well only those that would know me would understand exactly how dangerously angry I was in that moment he talked to me. After navigating a tricky situation and being the calm I needed not to end up in prison figuratively…… he said
" Heather anger is only good when it can be used productively if it helps solve the situation fine if not it is useless and will only destroy you" At the time I had useless anger that was getting me no where, but I also had a son in serious crisis and I had my back against a wall. I would like to tell you I could back down from a fight that I could get past anger and not lash out in a place like that but I'm not there yet. When I get really ticked I take these words and twist them in my mind. I think of his calm, his peacefulness, I think about the love he has for everything.

So back to India, the author is shedding anger and ego and pride, I am absorbing it through the pages. I have enough anger in my life I don't need more. I need a quiet mind and a heart full of love this is what will banish anger & frustration. I have brute strength it will leave me standing but……

Today I think we all need to look for that calm space where we quiet our mind and find peace.