Our Parents

Today I have decided that when I retire it will be on a boat.... I once read an article about this couple that renovated their weekend boat to become their permanent house.... It is docked in Santa Barbara they go to work...they take to boat out..they also travel the world.... and yet they stay at home. This concept seems very nice today. Maybe I never wanted a house.... although I thought I did..... I really miss the water ( see what living in the desert will do) I have visions of whisking my children off for adventure and raising them in the world.... and nearly on a daily basis I day dream about how to make that happen.... However I often wonder would they share this with me enthusiastically? I remember I had a friend in college , his father was a chef who ran his own five star restaurant. All he ever wanted to eat as a kid was macaroni and cheese just one night for dinner, and he laughs to this day when he talks about begging his friends to let him come to their house for dinner when they ate it. The other kids all wanted to eat at his house because the food was better. The grass is always greener on the other side.... and will we ever really be happy unless we have our cake and eat it too ? I would like to believe I am a trailblazer.... I am not. I would like to believe that this would be so cool and my kids would be worldly and well rounded ( we'll ask them at 20 how I did )...... In the mixture of this day dreaming quagmire..... I wonder really will they just think I'm flaky.. or do ordinary people really do this ?

I would like to tell you I am a white picket fence kinda gal who has the perfect June Cleaver life ( ask my husband )..... However for those of you who know me well you know this is totally laughable..... I have always poured over the atlas, read my Mother's national Geographic magazines..even before I could read; I mean the pictures were amazing.... I have never followed a normal path ( ask about the parent teacher conferences for some good laughs)...... Yet my Mother hoped I would live down the street from her in the town where I was raised. we would have Sunday dinners and holiday's and our white picket fences.....

However see the thing is I never had a hometown..... I never grew up in one place..... and we never had a white picket fence..... Which brings me to our parents ...

As adults it is easy once we get past our 20's and the angst of our supposed torture at our parents hands..... by the time we are married we finally get why marriage is messy and that maybe some of those irritating conversations we overheard our parents having as children when took sides in our heads ...... might have been just a little off kilter..... when we have children we understand our parents in a whole new light.....Of course you don't have to have marriage or kids to have those moments where you see it all in a different light.

As adults going through life we realize that our parents are human with all kinds of human frailties. We see that they have insecurities and fears, and that perhaps they didn't always make the right choices or that annoying thing we find in ourselves is from some odd interpretation of their bizarre behavior..... ( ask any woman if she wants to be her mother no matter how much she loves and admires her)........

Let's say we see our parent go through a life altering event.... tragic or happy.... as an adult and then we see their true colors come out. We might like to hear stories of who they were before us.... because sometimes we find ourselves surprised they had wild dreams and aspirations that seem so unlike them now..... I have seen my parents renovate and gut more houses than I care to count ( although I can do almost anything but plumbing and electrical) I have seen them divorce ( messy) when I was an adult. I have seen them loose a child ( my brother's death).... I have seen them loose parent's ( both their father's) I have seen them change jobs change their lives and change their addresses.....

I would like to say I fled a small town in search of big city dreams.... but I came from a Gypsy home..... I moved all the time..... and yet I am still amazed that my Mother finds it odd I married a military man and I move constantly..... I would like to tell you this apple fell really far from the tree.....I moved 10 times before I had hit high school..and lived in 4 states...... My family is full of ancestors who had trouble staying in one place...or one country for that matter.... so really with this kind of DNA did a white picket fence ever factor in.....( danish courtiers, opera singers, pirates, teachers, highway robbers, and revolutionaries.....really did I stand a chance ?)

I have seen how they interact with the world...or how they hide from it all. I have seen their mistakes out there like a carcass to pick over.....

We bought and renovated houses in anything but a traditional fashion..... ( including the time we actually physically moved a house)
I choose a salary over commission any time.... with a strong reaction..... because of my Father's career changes.....( teacher to broker)
I talk about it all because my Mother didn't say much about it.....( to this day my Mother knows it makes me insane when she doesn't answer me)

So when I think about my children and the life they have had...and the plans I want to go forward with...... I can't help but wonder if they will praise me or dissect me......

Believe me I am no shrinking violet... I go forward with no regrets ...a plan and a clear communication channel......"what will THEY say " ( meaning anyone) rarely crosses my mind.... but I never go without a consideration of the impact on them......or anyone.....a lovely paradox that often causes internal conflict indicative of my piscean nature...

I have several friends who have lost parents to illness in the last year... or they have been tossed into a family drama... or they have simply been forced to sit and deal with their parents as adults.....

I am not perfect... I have made mistakes.... I still have no regrets.. this is not a good thing.... I try not to judge.... and most days I can remember they are human with strengths and weakness' personality flaws..and some troubling behaviors......sometimes I just deal with my Father with no expectations because it is a mess.....you can't change them..... I hope my children will be forgiving of my flaws and human frailties......

I have been a strong person who has tried to make everyone happy.... sometimes like most Mom's forgetting to make myself happy......it's hard not to get swept up in it all to forget to fight the small fights because you are tired or saving it for the right fights.......

I need to be true to everything I hold dear so that they find that strength in themselves and stay true to themselves when they are in a situation where it is imperative ( please let them say NO to all the wrong things we fear as parents , that we know will find them) I know several irritating things I watched growing up I always said I wouldn't do......where do we loose our voice ? We all need our own moxie always.....

If we keep our bearing and our Moxie then despite our mistakes they just might forgive us.....and realize that it's ok to be flawed.....and that they have the inner strength to do the right thing....and maybe if we are lucky they might find enough good qualities to admire..... or maybe we'll just see enough of our former selves in them to smile......either way.... we only get to do this once.....

I will try to remember they are human so when I have bizarre phone conversations with them I will forgive some of their stuff spilling into my space.....because after all no matter how good or bad our relationship is with them... no matter what mistakes they have made in their life.... We love them still faults and all in our own way.