A clean slate, we often talk about a clean slate but really do we give our heart to making that happen ? Can we ever forget what really happened, better yet would we want to ? It is New Year's day and so a time when everyone is quick to shed the old and search for the answers for the new. New Year's resolutions, I believe they are god I used to set ones not related to my shape or weight but more of a how can I be better ? This year I am still trying to shake the old year, and yet I do feel as though the slate is clean. I wonder if I should really set one of those meaningful New Year's resolutions, those resolutions I always fulfill no matter what because I can't accept that I might not succeed at something. This year I want change, to "change my stars" to remember that side of myself that believed anything was possible, I could be anything go anywhere do anything. I believe we need to be the change we wish to see. If you are unhappy set a plan make the changes you need to or that you can to change that. Even with the greatest strength I could muster, the resources I could draw on, the people that I love sometimes change just doesn't come in the form we think it should. I have swam upstream most of my life, blazed my own trail, suffered for my inability to conform to the conventional tide. I have to question after this last year though, what if the odds are so stacked against you that you just can't ignore the signs? What if despite everything you do , you don't gain any ground ? What if all of your efforts yield nothing at all that seems like the change you need. What if the walls close in around you and you just don't have the strength to fight against the forces of nature anymore ? What if your sheer will is not enough ? Can faith in yourself and others carry you through ? So many questions, is this how a clean slate should look ? What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail ? What if you didn't know it isn't suppose to be possible ?
My year of dwelling in possibility turned out to be a year of struggle and strife, reflection and uncertainty. I never had the chance to breathe long enough to look at possibility. I built dreams and expectations ( always a dangerous thing) only to watch them fall apart and be demolished. I get within inches of my goals and see the finish line only to have it disintegrate. I am reminded of a song by Traci Chapman where the lyrics are " in this life only birds and angels get the wings to fly" Yet everything I believe in the world and myself is the exact opposite, I believe anything is possible that you can achieve anything. That given time and perseverance all things are possible, that anything worth while is worth a good fight. So when I sit exhausted and shell shocked and look at what this year should hold, how do I form those impossible wishes that will drive my spirit ? I think this year I might be more cautious in my goals and dreams, I might remember to have patience and give things time to grow. Perhaps that is the lesson the world is trying to teach me, to be more in tune with everything and let things happen in their own time. However for a goal driven person who believes we make our own luck and one should "take the bull by the horns" and make it happen for yourself; how do I live with letting it all unfold on it's own ? What if I refuse to accept the lesson or believe this is the lesson, or that it is mine to be learned.
I can't say what my hopes and dreams will be this year, or what I will strive to achieve. I almost believe that I am left without dreams and all that is here is faith that things will change. I think about the John Mellencamp song lyrics " Life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone" how horribly pessimistic. I refuse to give into the pessimism I refuse. I have to have faith that I have the strength to pull myself from the pessimistic funk that is clouding my free spirited soul from flourishing.
for now the jury is still out on the New Year's resolutions, what my year will hold and if I have enough of the eternal optimist left to dream again. I really need spring to come to nourish my soul and remind me my faith is not in vain. The world grows and blossoms and all things are possible. Could I live in spring year round, where is a place in the world that is always spring ?
How can I make spring year round in my home, heart, soul ?
Perhaps this is a year of questions and searching...a year of seeking what it is that is suppose to be. Curiosity perhaps for the year ? Who can say because for now the cautious protective side is shining through and I think I will let the jury mull over what will be a few days longer.... and isn't that still swimming upstream ? Convention says I should have this ready for today, but this time this year I am going to take my time to say what I will. Maybe just maybe I will let the walls down to allow spring to come in.
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