Thinking over

I am anxiously awaiting spring for many reasons both metaphorically and literally. I am going through this evolutionary process of becoming an American abroad. I have always wanted to live abroad and explore the world, it is just that this assignment came at an odd time in a place I had never planned on living. However the phrase " you get what you need not always what you want" is coming to mind. I am thinking a lot about this new year and new possibilities and what this all means for myself and for the kids. The process of becoming is so messy and untidy and quite frankly I would prefer an orderly graceful transformation. I need fluidity to feed my soul, I need organization to feed my mind, and I need chaos to bolster my courage and force my wings. I know I have screamed, discussed, and muttered that phrase " I am more than the sum of my parts" here before. I feel so torn between so many places and worlds at the moment I feel like a good winter hibernation is the best idea....Can I be a bear? 

 We decided a long time ago that I should be a stay at home Mom for the kids especially with Sam traveling so much and our frequent moves. Sam is gone in Africa again right now which always prompts a lot of thinking. Yet there are days like all stay at home Mom's I long to use my atrophied mind and have an intellectual conversation. Perhaps today was one of those days. After singing Baby Beluga for the third time in a half an hour I began to dream of being in a power meeting leading a conversation about some critical operation, product or some other essential cultural or marketing idea. Perhaps my day dreaming has just expanded because I am in a new country full of new possibilities for travel and adventure. I know that in the last month I have had several opportunities to speak with a wide range of Sam's co -workers both military and civilian, I mean the think tank of the new command. People who come from the CDC and other foreign countries people who I would give anything to have their jobs. I have met people from Morocco, Australia, among other countries. People who speak 3-4 languages fluently, have more stamps in their passports than I can even fathom. I have spoken with all of these amazing people who have done admirable work I feel humbled and small and yet they engage me and am interested in my thoughts on subjects regarding Africa. For the first time in 11 years I am actually using all of that work I did in undergraduate school between the nursing, and the medical anthropology and all of the heavy research I did into African healthcare development and infrastructure. I mean all of the stuff that was my passion the things I wanted to do the places I wanted to go.... I have had intellectual and meaningful conversations that have rekindled ideas and thoughts long shoved aside to remember the words to Baby Beluga and how to roar just right when reading the famed " How do Dinosaur's say Goodnight" how many pieces came in this toy or that toy..... I feel  a bit selfish. These people have encouraged me they have asked questions and treated me as an intelligent person beyond a housewife. One woman who actually had a job at the CDC doing what I would love to wanted to meet with me to talk more and consider me for jobs coming available with the command. I mean a possibility of a job doing something related to my degree... me the person who has been T,H P & S's Mom, Sam's wife ..... ordinary housewife ( with her wonder woman powers hidden in her desk) Me? sometimes in my head I think why me I am no one. But then I remember that this is the year of remembering how to fly and dream, to realize potential and possibility. I imagine and day dream more and more about selfishly doing some sort of work that is mine.... beyond the sum of my parts.

I suppose every working mother grapples with these ideas and choices daily. How do you rid your self of the Mother guilt " I should be there more for my kids" vs I want to grow in my career.  Am I so selfish that I am willing to put my wants above my kids needs; and go back to work? I would only go back to work if it were a "dream" job that I have made sure. I would not go back for the sake of working it has to be a soul inspiring endeavor to drag me away... It is a bit scary. I always planned on going back when the kids were older I mean I really do feel this is crucially important to be there for my kids. This is really all a day dream...... in some ways I am stuck in  possibility. All this angst could be over nothing.

So between learning to live abroad and  considering going back to work, and then there is the T situation. T is of course struggling with the move and his mental health issues and of course this means that home life has been a challenge. Every-time we move the new doctors have a new perspective they all think they are going to be the one to "fix" whatever the situation of the moment is..... because 4 states, 7 years and 16 doctors and specialist have all been wrong or crazy or whatever. Somedays I feel hopeless in this situation.  So our family is in an evolution of trying to cope with T's challenges. I have been sucked into testing, evaluations, 2-3 doctors appointments a week. Hence the importance of spending time with the other kids takes front and center. Type A everything needs to be orderly Heather is showing.....

metamorphosis is such a messy business.... I can't wait to see what butterfly's will be released from this house come spring. Surviving the new year is the first step. I guess it is safe to say we are all in the larvae stage of this new year between trying to plan for the coming year and to be inspired aren't we all just thinking it over right now?