Silly way to Wednesday and the life of shoes

So today is on a somewhat silly note but, I think this is excellent, we can’t be too serious all the time. I have been living on Go Lean Bars….. Ever since a friend started me on one about 2 months ago. I feel breakfast is the most important meal; it gets us moving our brain working it keeps us from being hungry all day. Anything is good, but eat something. I usually have a bowl of cereal but the last 4 weeks of kid camps and summer activities I haven’t been able to sit down and eat. They have don’t worry I am just doing all kinds of things to get us ready & moving while they are eating. So this is where the Go Lean bars have come in. I love them for breakfast and I don’t feel hungry. So I get an assortment box at Costco, and I am the only one who eats them so… I have a favorite flavor. I love the almond flavor and I usually eat all 8 of those right away sad when I have to move to the peanut flavor… Well this morning I finished off the last peanut flavor bar and so now tomorrow or the next time I need a breakfast bar it will have to be Carmel. I like Carmel don’t get me wrong it is just in these bars it is the sweetest one and it leaves me hungry and it has popcorn in it…… it just isn’t my favorite. I told you today was silly, I recognize a breakfast bar is not the end of the world. I am also aware there are bigger problems in the world than poor me having to eat my least favorite bar. However I am tempted to ignore them and go get a new box. I know, I know that still leaves me with more Carmel bars. I am willing to trade or give them away…… I want them to be eaten. I will eat them or give them away….. Or maybe ignore them in the box and mix them into a new box hoping they will magically turn into almond or peanut bars. This is the silly note my morning started on.



I have moved on to a more exciting part of the day. The shoe repair store I have been meaning to get to I finally visited. I love shoe repair stores they have a passion for shoes like I do. They see that a shoe has it’s own life and personality and that each one is a treasure. I never found one in California so I have 3 years worth of shoes saved up. New heels, minor leather repairs etc. The purse that has become a saga to get a zipper.(they don't do zippers here either) I walked into the shop and the owner was on the phone with a client (we are all the same you can hear the passion for our shoes oozing through every word. Most of us are desperate to save some pair of revered shoes) This client was trying to save her Fiesta purse. I should tell you here is San Antonio every April we have Fiesta, which I am told by locals, has no historical significance other than it is a party for the city for the sake of a spring party. It lasts for 2 weeks it has parades, cook offs, floats, boat parades on the river, banners, pins, sashes and all kinds of wild revelry. The Rodeo & Fiesta also have a particular fashion and it is something I can’t describe here, you have to see it to believe it and it is so much a part of the events. This client was trying to save the purse her special purse that goes to all of the Fiesta events. This purse has been helped before doctored and cared for here for years the owner knows “the purse” as well as she knows the client that owns it. The purse has to be converted to a clutch it can’t party like it used to it can’t go to parades anymore it has to just go as a clutch to luncheons and dinners. I never saw the purse but I can tell you that like all people who age this purse had to slow down in it’s advanced years. There were still parties and if the purse followed the shoe doctor’s rules it would live to see more Fiesta’s. I have to tell you I liked this Woman already I knew my shoes were coming to the right place. I pulled each pair out one by one, the first is a summer mule that needed a re glue…… it was the easiest to part with a shoe assortment. I like them but If I “lost” it I wouldn’t cry. The owner lovingly handled it and told me it was a simple fix…… test one passed she handled the patient well. Next was my beloved Christian Louboutins the gorgeous cordovan pair of peep toes that the one corner of the peep toe is just a smidge to tight otherwise the shoe fits like a dream.

These beautiful patent leather peep toes in the divine go with anything Cordovan color I handed them over. Yes, I hugged them first and told the owner I loved these shoes. The owner didn’t laugh or think I was silly she gave me a moment alone with my shoe….. Then gently took it and tagged it and told me about patent leather. I learned new things about the patent leather, and why even though I know this brand and my size and I love this designer and have many styles boots, heels etc… why is it that these peep toes pinched my toe when they are the perfect size? We talked about patent leather and peep toes….. And it was easier to hand over the shoes…… I really liked the owner. I handed over my go to sexy sandals for the summer the pair that if anything happens to them I will be distraught… the strappy leather ones that make me smile and they are so comfy. The pair I wear with my sexy skinny linen dress. I asked her to check those over twice even though they just needed a re-glue on the top inner sole. I wanted to make sure the heel was sound, the outer sole was perfect and that we would be together for a long time.

The Owner smiled at me as if she totally understood and checked it over in front of me showing me all the finer points of the shoe and how well made it is and how well I have cared for it and how it has a long life ahead despite the fact I wear them at least 4 times a week. We smiled and talked shoes.



A woman walked in from Argentina, she spends part of the year here part of the year there. She has known the owner for years and trusts her with her handmade designer shoes. This woman talked of how they make the shoes for you in Argentina. You go into a store, you tell them what you want they make it for you. You come back and whola you have a pair of handmade shoes that are to die for that last for years and only need a new sole every so often. I have never wanted to go to Argentina as badly as I did this morning……. She also spoke of hand tailored suits and hats and how things are re worked and kept for years…… I have to go to Argentina. I know they have amazing leather there so it would make sense they would have hand made shoes to die for.
So for a random Wednesday morning despite being out of my favorite flavor bars knowing that Carmel bars are lurking in the box for me…… I had a wonderful conversation about shoes, Argentina and in one week all of my shoes will be returned to me in perfect shape.

On Being Texan

I was driving home from a long road trip I had been away for a week and on the road for about 15 hours. I hit the Texas state border and thought I don't think I have ever been so happy to see Texas. I felt like I was nearly home, gasp could this mean I am becoming Texan ?

I had to start laughing, when I visited Charleston SC for the first time I took the carriage tour of the city. I highly recommend it the drivers are hilarious and full of history. Our driver told us that in order to be called a Charlestonian your family had to be there for 3 generations. This is the historical/political views of the "locals". There are exceptions, if your family was there and left but came back that counts, and if your family was a founding family no matter where you roam you are still a Charlestonian. I especially found this fun because I have family, a direct line of family that came and owned land and plantations in North Carolina and they owned it as part of the original colonies and then later in statehood..... would this make me a Southerner? I have a lot of Southern blood but I fancy myself a Yankee. Of course I was born in Wyoming which was just neutral territory for so long that I like that idea that I belong to the wilder more neutral part of our country.

So I wonder how long does one have to live in Texas to be a Texan ? I own a house here, I have a drivers license here, I have lived here for a year now, am I a Texan ?

I love Texas because Texans are independent, free thinking and trust me if any state in the union could become it's own country Texas could. I have lived in Texas before in the north for a short time and now here in the south. I love that Texans aren't afraid to tell it like it is, or tell you exactly what they think. That said they also don't push that on you they prefer you to want to follow from example not by brute force. While they are strong & outspoken they also are subtle and charming and want you to know they believe there is enough space for everyone to have their own opinions even if they aren't the same. Trust me in this state there is a wild spectrum of ideas from conservative to liberal and everything in between. I like the good manners and strong work ethics, I can see why many Midwesterners have come here we share a lot.

I love Texas history, this state has seen so much and is like a wise old guardian, they will share the whole story with you and give advice but still understand if you follow your own path. My Uncle has taught history here and I love history and knew a fair amount but I will say since I have been here immersed in the history..... perhaps steeped is a better word it is amazing. Really there is exciting stuff in the history and Texas has ties throughout our nations history that would shock and amaze you. They are strong politically but not in your face it is more subtle strength and rich in stories. this state has a lot of diversity and they have to find a way to make it work to survive. Many states could learn a lot from the history here. I LOVE that Texas was it's own country at one time it makes me smile, sure they are proud to be American but they are Texans first. I am a big advocate for state rights and Texas wasn't afraid to say they had rights. Even now they use, sell, produce Texas products before looking elsewhere. If we all had more state pride and tried to use, sell, produce more our whole country might be stronger.

Don't get me wrong Texas isn't perfect and there are strange things here. there are disagreeable thoughts ideas and laws. There are some people who could live up to the southern stereotypes.

So as I was driving across my corner of Texas to home I had all of these rambling thoughts about the place I live right now. I almost had a fear that Sam would like it so much he would want to retire here or because of T's needs we would be here for so long we would have to retire here. I thought Whoa am I ready to be a Texan ? I better learn to love Texas if that were the case. Could I ?

While I was happy to see Texas and I love the concept of Texas I'm not sure if by definition I am really a Texan or that I could be a Texan forever. But I was happy to see Texas

Love

Love. Yes one word can be a sentence. Love is the basis of everything, relax before you walk away to puke or figure I'm insane. I have no less than eight friends in true relationship crisis, either they are in a divorce, post divorce or thinking about divorce. I have some dealing with the death of a spouse.

I once read an article (that was not very good) about a woman who had 4 friends divorce all at once. The one thing the article did raise was the question " How can I avoid comparing" now my take on her run down of her marriage: when every one's relationship is crumbling she wondered how can I save mine ? What do I need to look at here? To pull a page from my wise friend J's book. " I don't compare marriages I don't go in theirs and I don't expect them to be in mine." I agree with this. The only people in that relationship be it family, friend or marriage is the 2 people concerned. However as humans we are always stuck on love.

Shakespeare, you either love him or hate him. I get the language is cumbersome but, the reason I feel he is as relevant today as he was in his day. He captures the essence of humans and all their emotions in the raw form. Think about it. Love, how can we get it ? How to keep it, how to deal with the loss of it. Plays, books, sonnets, movies, and TV shows all revolve around it. The search, the loss, keeping it, relishing it. Really a majority of our "entertainment" world is about Love or some aspect of it.

Religion is about love on many levels no matter what religion you are…Yes even the atheist have love if only to love the fact they can be without religion. Country & Culture, love of a homeland or a people or a way of life, everyday mundane task show a love of societal norms. Work, some would say that is hate, no love of money, power, love of self, love of doing a job for others. Love of what you do or loving what you do as a job. Working to change the world, working for the love of achievement. Love has many forms and many faces and just like people it isn't always pretty. However is there really any emotion more powerful ?

Literature is full of Love themes the good the bad and the ugly ones of hope and inspiration and tales of sorrow and loss or betrayal and anger. But it is always there LOVE.

could we possibly say it is what defines humanity LOVE ? I say yes Love is what binds us all in one form or another.

In one discussion about divorce ( a friend in the middle of a messy nasty one) She asked me straight would I choose death or Divorce? Our mutual friends husband recently died unexpectedly. I have to weigh this question heavily. She is in pain, not suicidal but other divorced people tell her often that death would be easier to deal with because it is a quick clean cut. I would contest this argument as I have seen good & bad divorces but I have also known death and it is like comparing apples and oranges and death isn't always a clean cut. However I will give her that in the depth of her pain anguish & frustration a clean break versus a royal mess would look interesting.

I have always been driven by love it consumes me. I love life, I love people, I love the world and everything it. I love my family my children. I love to learn to listen and to experience. I love it all the good the bad & the ugly. I also throw myself head first into love which can cause problems of it's own believe me. I don't know how to not love with everything I have. This also causes problems.

I have no answer for her because I haven't been divorced. I have watched it happen gone through it with friends & family. It is hard it is painful even under the best of circumstances and the aftermath is messy. It takes a long time to heal from that. Death now I can speak about this I have experienced this very closely, there is no fear of the unknown here. I have seen it first hand literally holding the hand of many dying people witnessing that first hand. Not to be gory but having worked in the ER I have held people's brain matter in my hand I have held a beating heart while Doctors raced to save the person. Working on the ambulance I have been there and spoken to those dying and those coming back. I have seen it from a distance, helped friends and family through it. I have lost people who were my whole world to death. There is an aftermath to death that is unique and excruciating that is so entirely different from divorce that it is not to be compared. This isn't even apples & oranges this is apples and rocks. I have also watched people grieve long beyond when it is healthy and seen the lingering effects of a sudden death change a person forever.

Both death and divorce have their unique qualities that impact our views on life forever, but not in the same way.

What I do know is like anything in life there is a dark and a light side to Love and that I do believe that it is the foundation of humanity. The very thread in the tapestry of our essence that holds it together. Most of our life is living in love, with love, or seeking love, or healing love, or giving love or thinking about love.

I know that the love of family, friends and spirituality will carry my friends through their relationship challenges. Even though it isn't clear or obvious and even though it feels like they are losing love in fact they are loved by so many. Love will heal them in the end some may even find new love in their life through friends or work or in a different relationship.

I think about one of my favorite quotes from Ana Caram " It is the holes in the lace that render it beautiful"
Love is complex and infinite even with it's perfect flaws.
While we may not always see love in the way we would like, each of us is loved by our family & friends so very much and love is a blessing we all share together.

India the chapter

I have told all of you I am reading the book Eat, Pray, Love and there are many interesting quotes and pearls of information. I laughed hysterically in Italy and now I have moved onto India in the book. The book is divided into 3 sections or books Italy, India & Indonesia. I have been angry in India, not at the writer or the story it is a great book this section bugs me. I was bothered that I would be angry in India I mean after all she has gone to study in an Ashram what is there to be angry about ? Exactly. Because I can never let it rest I had to understand why it was making me angry, I feel my life is coated in anger I don't need anymore. Plus I thought this will be very helpful for the book club I am in. So I feel I need to be a good student and be able to bring something to the table. I should be able to dissect it talk about it and give useful insight to help a discussion. When others bring intellectual currency to the table I should be able to honor them by returning with intelligent conversation. See where this is going ? " How can I be perfect"

So this brings me back to India and why I am angry. We all have places in the world we want to go, far away, or close to home, things we want to see and experience. I have a list, a list so complete that in Type A personality Heather I have a whole around the world trip planned. Oh yes down to places amount of time and things to see in each location including food, accommodations and events. Remember from the other post if I am going to delve into the world of fantasy it is going to be thorough with my whole being thrust head first into total delusion…..

Actually I have it figured out how much I need down to the penny to do this trip with my 3 kids or by myself ( it is best to have contingency plans) I also have 2 alternate routes based on changes in desire or necessity.

Why do I mention this, well let's get to that. Since I was about 1 my response for anything is " I might miss something" I would love to see every nook and cranny of the world I can. The world is a big place just waiting to be seen. I love a wide variety of cultures and places and I'm not typically a judgmental person. I have never had a want or desire to go to India. Ok I would like to see the Taj Mahal but really I have no desire to go there none. It has bugged me why wouldn't I ? I mean I want to go to Bhutan, Nepal and I wouldn't mind exploring islands around India. Why not India ? Could this be the reason I am angry about the section on India in the book ? After delving into the fantasy of traveling worldwide and blogging to all of you….. and trying to figure out why not India…. I definitely decided that this is not my problem with the chapter in India. The book isn't even talking about India.

The author is struggling with her meditations in India while she is trying to find the divine side of God. Could this mean I have my own longing for a closer relationship with spirituality ? I will say I miss the community I had in New York ,I miss community worship. I miss talking religion in a loving way and intellectually. Perhaps….. but this really isn't about religion either. I am comfortable with my spirituality and I want to be a part of a community and at some point I will be again. Until then God & I are fine, I read and I pray and I find inner spirituality. H talks about spirituality and religion daily testing even my mental muscles to help him find the answers he is seeking.

I know it isn't cultural…… well a good way into this India excursion in the book we came to the thick of it. The author is shedding her ego, quieting her mind and has to work off anger.

Remember the beginning where I said I didn't want to be angry over something like this because I had too much anger already……

Well there it is I am sensing the hidden anger before it is revealed. There it was bubbling off of her in her healing and seeking and I was more than happy to just absorb it all under the surface. Funny how at times small things parallel our lives even if they are completely unrelated.

I am not an angry person by nature, I dislike it and strive to prevent it. Yet there is a lot of anger & frustration in my life. Daily I try to work it off, ignore it, let it go and in general banish it. However when you fight with anger especially on many fronts it will consume you. It saps your energy, it robs you of your happiness, it blocks love. I don't care how strong you are or what kind of warrior you are it will conquer you.

This reminds me of a Doctor I met ( of course in relationship to T always with T) This Doctor I knew for a short time, he is a military doctor coming to the end of his military service. He is currently deployed to Afghanistan so please say a special prayer for him. This doctor cares he is a pediatrician the kind who wants to know your kid from beginning to end who would let you call him at 3 am and who can sum up a situation in a few short minutes. He has a calm about him and he radiates love. He loves what he does , he loves his family, he loves a lot of people in a lot of places. Kindness. This poor doctor met me in the middle of the Germany mess with T at the worst possible moment of that mess. I would say the darkest hour. It really wasn't his mess and he really didn't have to get involved as he had another job totally unrelated. yet he helped our family, and a few other families too on top of his regular job that was demanding. He saw me seething with anger, I give him credit I hide it well only those that would know me would understand exactly how dangerously angry I was in that moment he talked to me. After navigating a tricky situation and being the calm I needed not to end up in prison figuratively…… he said
" Heather anger is only good when it can be used productively if it helps solve the situation fine if not it is useless and will only destroy you" At the time I had useless anger that was getting me no where, but I also had a son in serious crisis and I had my back against a wall. I would like to tell you I could back down from a fight that I could get past anger and not lash out in a place like that but I'm not there yet. When I get really ticked I take these words and twist them in my mind. I think of his calm, his peacefulness, I think about the love he has for everything.

So back to India, the author is shedding anger and ego and pride, I am absorbing it through the pages. I have enough anger in my life I don't need more. I need a quiet mind and a heart full of love this is what will banish anger & frustration. I have brute strength it will leave me standing but……

Today I think we all need to look for that calm space where we quiet our mind and find peace.

Whole lot of information

Some days we are on an endless hamster wheel the routine...... other days we get hit with so much information we don't know where to start to process. There are times I wish the information had come oh say a week earlier when I could have really used the insight, or perhaps I even shudder to think it but there are some pieces of information we just wish we hadn't received. Today was a day with a whole lot of information, which let's face it if it were a slow day we wouldn't be here together. H has a camp this week a science/reading camp. H is enjoying this immensely and it is a special treat because only 2 students from his school were selected to attend and it is by invitation only. I am one proud Mom, however this camp is 25 miles on the far side of town, it is only 4 hours a day and smack in the middle of the day right through downtown traffic. With traffic it is an hour each way. Like all things in life there is a beautiful gift hidden in some murky mess.

I feel like I am driving and driving and driving...... while I love to drive I am also on the hamster wheel of the same route. The other Mom & I are splitting weeks. I have her daughter this week to drive and she will take H next week since I will be on a road trip ( more on that later) H & his friend have chatted and it is going well our car pooling. H was disappointed to learn that carpool did not mean he was going swimming at some cool new pool. M likes country music, H likes classical so we listen to country in the morning, which is a new experience for all of us and classic in the afternoon. I know this seems to be a dull story however I assure you it is coming to the point. Like those dull days that suddenly are filled with information.

It started with the few pages of reading I accomplished in the book Eat ,Pray, Love ( I told you that there would be fabulous peral coming from there) I read a part about soul mates and their legitimacy, and purpose. It was very interesting and I had closure in a thought I had let rest for a long time. Although I find I'm angry reading India, I can tell you there will be a post on that.

Then I rush home to get my errands run grocery shopping to prepare for my trip next week. My Mom had a long list of other errands and I realized my day had changed shape in an instant..... reminding me that sometimes the best laid plans are often cast aside for just as necessary jobs. This is a good reminder for me the control freak to go and change, adapt and not be frustrated the day didn't come out in my image of what is should have been. It was productive and useful just the same.

Contractor woes..... and the realization that a life lesson has been learned and that I KNOW exactly what to do next time and how to handle the road ahead.

Frustration with T again over the usual suspects..... perhaps this year my new years resolution should be to get off that hamster wheel all together and let the chips fall where they might. I know this will be the mount Everest of challenges and the rock I will beat my head against until the end. I have not accepted the life lesson in this area yet. That information in the middle of a random Wednesday is not always welcome.

Then I leave to get H & his friend from camp ( in Siberia) We are driving home and H & M are chatting away about their day and the various break downs of what happened what they learned who liked what.... the type of chatter you would expect. When out of the blue I hear a phrase that nearly causes me to stop but doesn't exactly shock me. H out of the blue says " M's brother is in jail Mom" and H proceeds to turn to M and ask her what he did to get there and how she feels about it. I turn to H and say " H you don't always like it when people question you about T being in the hospital you need to realize that M might not want to talk about it here in the car" Now folks here is where a small life lesson trickled into the day and whole lot of information was packed into a tiny amount of information. M says matter of fact to me in the most even voice " Oh no I am fine with it we talk about it all the time I don't mind talking about it." and H & M chatter on as if the topic of a 16 year old in Juvenile hall was normal. I am not judging I understand completely while T doesn't go to "jail" he has frequent hospitalizations under mental health circumstances, now this doesn't make any of us uncomfortable but it will make those around you squirm faster than anything. I am actually pleased that is a tough thing for a small kid to deal with and it doesn't escape me that H has difficult things in his life also. Isn't that what friends are for a safe place to be yourself and to talk to be there for each other. I would hope H could talk about our situations with as much ease it is better to get it all out right ?

M proceeded to tell me she misses NC where they lived before ( her Dad is also in the Air Force) They in her words " Had to move here because of my brothers problems" I didn't say much and she repeated " We were sent to Texas on purpose" Well now there again is just a big motuhful of information packed in a small package.

The longer we live here in Texas the more I get to know those around me in my military community. I can tell you most but not all are sent here for "humanitarian" reasons and we all came here because of some story. It is not your typical place. San Antonio has 7 bases 2 major hospitals and a huge collective pool of military resources, it is a large city, and it has a lot of administrative purposes as well. This is not an earth shattering revelation many families try to come here get sent here and stay here for all of those reasons.

I have lived here for a year the bizarre thing is I can't tell you the day we came here, for me that is odd I can usually tell you the day I moved somewhere. The CA-Germany-TX triangle of a year the year of disaster has erased my memory. I actually threw away the calendar last December as if I could just toss the whole year away like it never happened. I wasn't thrilled about coming here but I wasn't against it either. I knew we had no other option we were "sent here on purpose" too. Many here were and yet in this strange place we all coalesce and find our way.

There are strong communities here for many reasons. San Antonio is one of the most military friendly cities I have ever been to the local population embraces us with a warmth that is so wonderful. The "unique" families have a network, and there are many spouses I have met who like me live on the "fringe" ..... meaning we aren't your typical run of the mill Military spouse. Like a secret underground club we hold each other up we make things run and we fight for what we need.

I don't know M's Mom very well and we don't see each other socially. I know she is busy she has 4 kids to and is pregnant. What I can tell you is even though M wasn't one of H's best friends in school they have more in common than not. I have respect for this family that has been exiled like me to TX. Sometimes even if we believe it and live it .... a reminder on a random Wednesday of " Don't judge a book by it's cover" is an excellent piece of information.

I also think that it is good to talk about those things that make others cringe because then it really doesn't fester and become a mountain of frustration.

Random thoughts.....

So I'm manic again.... not in a literal sense.... I can joke about it. I have heard women can crack jokes about women, African-Americans can make jokes about African-Americans..... you see where I am going. I live with crazy I know crazy and I have had plenty of experience with crazy so I can joke about crazy. That said I feel like I have a million things to say all at once and can't get this rush of thought out fast enough and even if I could it would make very little sense to anyone outside of my head.

As the mother of 3 1/2 year old twins I have been asleep.... I can't tell you about books, or movies or anything current because while I function in the world I stumble through it trying to survive my own storms. This has become very apparent in the "what are you doing" questions. I think I used to hike, swim,ski, rock climb, explore, write, read, knit, try new things....... Now I try not to scream as for the fourth time today someone rips apart their room, dumps the box of q-tips, spills their milk again ( and always on the crack of the table I might add). I have been in a daze. I have a friend who urged me to read some books..... which shall remain nameless because I NEVER would have read them they were nonsense I wasn't going to get sucked into. No they aren't romance novels don't worry. I read them ,4 of them, all over 300 pages and all in a week.... and I have read them each again at least 7 times in the last 2 months. YES they are THAT good ! I can read, I miss reading oh how I miss reading. I realized the last book I read was the seventh Harry Potter book while I was pregnant with the twins. I have read magazines and articles and snippets of good stuff online but a real book with real pages for me...... I LOVE books..... well since then I have also read 4 other books. No worries nothing meaty I am working up to that, flexing my literary might. They are all quick reads, although, I did squeeze in Sense & Sensibility again for classical balance. I recently had an awesome conversation over wine with a friend about Civil War novels and our favorite generals and who writes the best books and what we love about the people the time and the authors. There are 4 civil war novels I am going to read before the year is out because I am ready for the meaty stuff again.

I realized when I watched a movie with Jenny that I couldn't remember the last movie I had watched that I wanted to see. I realized I had missed a few I wanted to see. It took being stranded on a plane for 3 hours with nothing to read ( I flew through the 5 magazines I was behind on in one hour kid free) To finally watch a movie Sam had put on my itouch nearly a year ago.... and the movie was a few years old already. Elizabeth the Golden age, it was GOOD of course I LOVE Queen Elizabeth I, so much I mean, she would be the person of history I would love to meet..... I could write several blog posts just about her.

I have tried to watch a few movies I wanted to watch even if it is in pieces over a few days or I fast forward through some.... I watched the Time Traveler's Wife... oh goodness had I any idea I wouldn't have it is like Lassie all over again I cried and I try to avoid that.

I realized today that there are some things I want to be mine. Not that I wouldn't share about them or talk about them but really there are some things that I want that are just MINE. See what hanging out with toddlers will do to you. You pick up the lingo. I need to turn off a certain voice in my head. Oh stop we all have them I'm not that crazy. This one is the negative voice of people I know. I need to leave that voice off, when I do and when I really push it out by making myself busy which I love to do, then I find I become a creative more vibrant version of myself.

That said, in the shower I was thinking about a conversation I had with a friend about a laptop. I have never had one that was mine ever, which isn't strange they weren't popular to own in the dinosaur days of my college experience ( I didn't have e-mail until my senior year) In grad school I used my home computer, I didn't work..... Sam has his I have used it every once in awhile.... Like a cell phone did I really need one ? I mean really what for ? Well I was talking with this friend and I must have seemed like an alien. This friend doesn't know me well so I might have even appeared like a fearful female afraid to be independent ( although I doubt anyone who knows me would get that idea at all) then I thought about going back and explaining that to this friend.

I am the girl you can take to the woods with a q-tip and I can build you a mall.....
You need to pack 20 lbs into a 5 lb bag great I'm your gal....
I have packed everything and the kitchen sink in no time flat in less space than any human I know ( thank you grandpa)
You have no clue how you are going to survive this cataclysmic event in your life..... call me I am your girl
You need to do more with less and now..... It's me
You need to know some quote from some obscure author who lived 300 years ago.... Call me
You need something you don't think you could find anywhere I am the Radar of the real world.....
At 3 am when you have been drinking you need to know if alcohol is going to mess up the medication you think you aren't suppose to drink while on... call me I'm you're girl....

Jane of all trades here at your service.... including Shakespearean sonnets you need for a date tomorrow......

I am the one at my house who says " You don't need that" or "we can live without this" Sam loves to tease me I would be bartering for livestock if he would let me..... I didn't own a TV when I met him I could totally live without one happily...... I had to be cajoled into a cell phone and I'm still not sold on it.......( and it is a simple phone trust me)

It isn't I can't get a laptop or that I wouldn't put it to good use...... I am a minimalist in some ways and yet a total pack rat in others ( remember those books, ask Sam how much he likes my antique Dental cabinet)
I NEVER buy anything for myself and if I do it has a price tag of under $30.00 and it better be on sale, clearance, or have a coupon...... ok I break this for very good reason..... Jenny would call it her Cost per Use equation..... I say in the past it proved it's value I can't live without it ( I would willingly pay 70.00 for a pair of Teva's because I can tell you from experience that there is NOTHING in the universe you can't do in teva's and they last through it all) I paid 65.00 for this DKNY Cozy...... which was on sale at an outlet and I had an extra coupon..... it can be worn in 24 different ways comes with a video a flyer and online resources for more ideas..... it is cashmere and silk and it has proven to be the best fashion gimme widget on the planet next to my Teva's .....and I look great in it ( it has even been used as a blanket more than once)

So today I bought a Coach purse....... now this would be where the phone would ring and my husband would be in in a state of irritation ( not really he never reads this and in his own words " I never worry about you if it isn't a steal it doesn't make it past you and you would never spend money frivolously" so we'll see if he mentions this when I pick him up next week )
I have always wanted a Coach purse but I would NEVER pay the retail price for one. I had a love hate relationship with them in true Pisces style. I would love to have one and be like everyone else and they come in so many fun styles and colors and I am holding out for a purple one of course. I would hate to have one because everyone has one and they never seem to come out in the right shade of purple and who pays that for a purse......... fear not friends I haven't gone totally mad... I was at the outlet it was double sale day and there was a coupon...... it was clearance and it cost less than a sale purse that would be fake leather at a department store.... I usually buy one purse a year and use it until it dies when I totally and completely agonize over buying one... like jeans they never are quite right and I expect a lot as we will be together daily through kids, goo, sticky messes, rushed errands, flights, pack mule moments and other unexpected catastrophes for a good long while and I better get every penny out of it...... ( there is a reason people joke about me being a cross between a drill sargent & a general.....)

So I did it, I bought it, a purple Coach purse all leather ( nothing like solid un adorned leather to call to me) It is beautiful ,I bought it..... the weird thing is I feel no guilt........ maybe tomorrow.... but really no guilt..... then I thought about the laptop conversation..... I am not lacking in Independence I am overly independent.... the problem lies in I am so " I can do without" that I forget it is ok to do with occasionally..... enter Sam who indulges that often to my dismay & distraction..... of course he gave up a long time ago trying to convert me to the "indulge" side.... although he reminds me often it is fun to eat out buy something for no rational purpose. I know if he reads this he won't believe it until he sees it......

I was in Coach looking at laptop bags.....which reminded me of a conversation with another friend right after I talked about why I dislike cell phones for me... I want an iphone, she burst out laughing hysterically saying " you go from no phone to not wanting a phone, to you have to have an iphone !" ( hey if I am going to the realm of unnecessary & dream it should be good right) so I was shopping for laptop bags...... and a Coach one too, right, because if you are going to go for technology you might as well go all the way. I wanted one of those pure leather bags that professors carry. You know solid sturdy dependable supple leather that will see you through 20 years without flinching and look better for it leather bags....... when I was sidetracked into a leather purple purse.......

so I guess the point of this is to say..while I have never had a laptop of my own because I don't need one..... It isn't because I am a needy dependant female who can't figure out what to do or find for herself..... I really just forget that it is ok to shop for myself and indulge on a splurge once a decade..... but once I turn the voice of reason off I can do just that.

Now that my creative mind is living in fantasy I plan to write..... to maybe knit again.... to definitely read and read and read..... to think with wild abandon as I love to learn and I plan to form some great dreams......

on a side note read the book Eat, Pray, Love it is hilarious and fun and useful and worth the time ( it's short 331 pages) I have been laughing in Italy all evening. I am reading it for my online book club.... my first formal book club as I have talked books with people for years just not in an organized group..... it should be fun ! I know I will have a few posts on the pearls of wisdom from this book.

I Need a Plan

I heard a phrase today I liked " I need a plan, show me the plan " I love that idea. Well crazy Type A Heather enjoys those words, impulsive live in the moment Heather says forget it I want to toss the plan. So how again do we reconcile these conflicted pieces of ourselves ?

Sometimes we find some clear answers in common conversations with a stranger. I think of a story I heard about how people come into our lives sometimes for a short time or a brief moment or even a lifetime to teach us something, show us, or perhaps for us to teach them. I met a person yesterday and felt that in our casual conversation there were some reminders and life lessons hidden just for me. We wrangled with literature ( we both love books and had a mini book discussion) We talked about marriage relationships, religion, feminist, friends, parents, children, being self aware and finding contentment. I know a mouthful for a casual conversation, but really it was light and fun. we shared silly stories, some ideas about other things and talked about standards. It really was just fun however I couldn't help but review some long buried ideas. I love conversations about books it does reveal other thoughts and ideas but it also speaks of different perspectives and what we all take or bring to a table.

I have been grappling with my age this year...... the year of my discontentment. No not money not want for things more want for a depth to life and intellect and being where I want to be. I am tired of the question " what do you do " ..... I do nothing there..... I answered it..... really pour salt on a wound. I know I know I do more than that I just hate the question.

So while all of this casual conversation was going on I found, a portion of my missing self in there. I lived inside my own head spoke my own mind with out fear as I would have 10 years ago. I remember her the out spoken fearless one. I laughed, I spoke without worrying about who it would offend I was true to myself. I was told I am ageless, wise, and fun and my favorite self aware. I was I just needed a stranger to remind me.

Signs are everywhere I believe in symbolism or superstition, spirituality and fate, or whatever it is you call it. So Everyday I have friends whom I adore and love who send me messages to remind me of all of this and I am so grateful for that. I'm here sometimes on hold sometimes buried in the quagmire that is daily drudgery.... But I'm here the fearless one, who doesn't always wish to be the voice of reason, the responsible one.......with some luck one day I will see her clearly everyday all day.

Waiting, Catching up, and Moving Forward

I would love to give you an excuse as to why I skipped a whole month of posts......
I could give the excuse I was busy.....
I was depressed...
Things were complicated.....
I was so deliriously happy I forgot.....
I went off the wagon on my new year's resolution to take my vitamin each day......
I finally was fitted for the straight jacket making typing impossible.....

However as they say " the truth is stranger than fiction"

I was busy so first for the catching up.....
April brought a new puppy.... a Multipoo named Oliver to our lives.... I know I said no puppies no housebreaking..... but here we are with a puppy who I am trying to housebreak.... a fluffy white puppy that my boys and husband adore more than anything.... ( yes really you should see Sam with this tiny fluffy puppy) S doesn't hardly let him walk.....

Friends were married in the edge of hill country and Sam took their wedding pictures..... it was great to see friends and have fun....

The wildflowers bloomed in glorious colors as the legends of Texas Hill country spring came to life... and YES the legends are true and YES it is worth the drive and YES you will be awe struck by the beauty of rolling hills covered in wildflowers..... Of course as any true Texas family we found our patch on the side of the road and took our family picture... which will be mailed out when I send it over to be printed..... Hopefully I will send it out before winter..... H's Favorite were the Texas Blue Bonnet's, P liked the yellow ones best, S thinks the purple puffs are divine.... and T just thinks they are all annoying and itchy.... ( can you tell who is a teenager)

Reading awards, Cub Scouts, Bike riding, Science projects and school celebrations, Doctors appointments, abounded.....

There was a great trip to Galveston to the Gulf ( Before the spill) That truly was exciting and all of this could have and should have been blogged about.....

I actually watched a whole movie ( oh no still in broken parts over 2 days....) Remember Me which I thought would be bad but it is fabulous and a must see it is so interesting and human and I loved it so watch it if you get the chance......

which brings us to the waiting.......
I seem to be waiting on people, waiting on computers, waiting in offices, waiting for phone calls, waiting for well almost everything. I know there is a military phrase " Hurry up and wait" but that isn't it really. I often sit in traffic and wait and think of fabulous posts for the blog..... then I get home and life is there to distract.... I am often waiting in a line or at an appointment for T and I think of wonderful insightful posts......

I sit in bed waiting to fall asleep and make my list for tomorrow thinking of all of the things I want to blog.....
Sometimes I have to wait for my turn at the computer.... or wait for the computer to come home ( S stuffed to SD cards in the CD drive this month.. the apple guys were impressed she fit 2 in there.... I however was not impressed with the bill for her talents)

So sometimes I am here waiting to talk to you and share my thoughts and ramblings.... and I am excited because they are good.... and I end up waiting for the moment to get to here.......

So today we are moving forward..
I was waiting for a deal to finish to give myself permission to get the laptop to be mobile and write more and do more and finish my long to do list everyday..... well I am tired of waiting I am going to go mobile and claim the laptop.

Moving forward... I can't promise everyday even if I think of fabulous things to write everyday.....
I can't promise every post to be perfect..... although I want it to be
I am going to try to post once a week and share the stories and write more.....
I am not going to wait in line and waste a moment......
Like any Mom who is busy it seems I get lost in the shuffle and the what if monster comes out and I think I need something to hold on to...... I need to be heard... I need to wait until everyone is taken care of......

but really I need to do more for myself and be more of myself and share more of that.....

so moving forward I am going to post more every week at least.... and not skip a month again..... Oh an that new years resolution for the vitamin everyday I am making it so far ! who would have thought there was a challenge in that simple task.....
and despite P & S coming to ask me to play with something put something together and take apart something else..... a despite Oliver carrying off garbage or a toy or something he shouldn't twice..... 2 phone calls and 6 e-mails.... I did manage to get a post done so I am not going to wait for the perfect moment again....... that way you won't be left waiting on me to hear the strange thoughts of one crazy lady !

To all the other Mom's, women, friends and those who like me get sidetrack I say let May be your moving forward month and remember to do something everyday even small for yourself.

I Sleep with a Tape Measure.... Tales From This Week

I have been absent again, this happens I get on a roll and then life steps in to remind me that chaos is seconds away. Glue, a heavy flashlight, a dust bunny, some photographic equipment, a cord, 3 post it notes, a Lego, a rain gutter regatta boat kit, white out, 7 magazines, a sock, a t-shirt and for good measure some object I have never seen and have no idea what it is. A grocery list no, a list of things for one of the kids back packs, no. So what exactly does this collection of stuff mean ? Exactly. This is what was found on my desk, the very same desk that was clean, spotless and pristine a week ago. Not one of these items was mine.... well ok I'll claim one magazine. Sam had worked on a project from the home computer this week which means a mess will follow including items that have no rhyme or reason to the desk or the project. I have been trying this past week to put the living room back together from the flooring of 2 weeks ago. So I haven't been staying on top of clutter monsters upstairs as much. I am pleased to report that some semblance of order has returned and my living room is put back together.... this of course left the desk free for scrutiny. I cleaned carpets and picked up stuff, I have had appointments and the usual weekly errands. I wish I could say this week had been glamours or exciting but it is mundane and like everyone else's clutter. Several late nights way past bedtime, cub scouts and school reports, landscaping and rain. I did have a stow away plant for 2 days. We are doing landscaping and one plant was lost behind the toy holder in the back of the car, it enjoyed it's adventures and outings but after 2 days of warm sun in the car it needed to go to a pot in the garden.

Life was the usual until, I went to bed last night. Usually I will find books, dolls, Lego's and other toys in my bed, occasionally I will find papers and clothes....... I often find lenses and other photography equipment. I have found Sam's paperwork for TDY's and other receipts he should be corralling with him asleep on top of it and I am left in the dark to clear the clutter find my corner of the sheets and not wake him. I was excited last night to find a clear bed. I snuggled into the sheets and was getting comfortable when I found it, the equipment. I thought oh another flash or another box that attaches to some other camera equipment..... then I reached for the object to discover the missing tape measure. This tape measure has been missing for a few days it was last spotted in the bathroom, H had taken it somewhere but couldn't remember where. S had given it a ride in her doll stroller, P had used it to fire toys down the stairs. During the week I had found Max the dog sleeping on it, each time I had diligently put it back in the cabinet...each time it had turned up somewhere else. Who needs tales of a traveling gnome when I have wandering tape measures to spice up the story of our house right. I know somewhere in this house there are no less than 10 different size tape measures because Sam leaves them places he gets a new one, we both had several when we met, and I believe that somewhere in the night they multiply as well. However when we need them there is not one to be found. Now they are hiding in my bed. I threw it on the floor ( it was past midnight) and figured it could sleep with the dog or I would trip over it in the morning and coral it to the cabinet again later. The next morning it was missing however ( it probably had a hot date with another of the missing tape measures' ) . I have been cleaning today looking, but not to hard I think they sense when I am searching for them. I have yet to find it I know I'm not crazy, I know it was there and yet it is missing again. This week has of course been about finding things, putting things away, and trying to corral the clutter. By the end of this week the house should be back to "normal" and the clutter corralled, the toys put away, everything dusted and vacuumed..... However I am pretty sure that I will still have missing tape measures and find things in my bed in the night.

Spring Break.....

I tried to plan an event for each day the kids were off of school. I was trying to embrace the whole concept of the staycation..... which I never understood..... I was trying though.....
So in typical Heather fashion I planned everything out and became excited.....
Like life for typical Heather changes happen, weather, kids, life, the unexpected........
So We had fun we accomplished a lot, it had elements of the plan it had new things.....The kids had fun ( the most important). I would not call this anything close to a vacation though so I have to say while I had fun I still think the concept of a staycation is bizarre.
That said let's delve into the week of fun.

Saturday we went to Lakeshore learning a fabulous store where you can find all kinds of learning toys and teacher supplies and great adventure.... The kids made pot o' gold banks, played in the model kitchen and then we went to meet and greet story hour with Clifford the big red dog over at Barnes and Nobel ( our second home). S was so excited to see Clifford even before he could get into the story she rushed up to hug him and the whole time waved and cheered for Clifford. I think she should be able to run for president of his fan club.

Sunday our weekend was even more exiting ! As many of you know I am a hockey fan.... really like hockey it is so awesome. We have a team here in San Antonio ( yes they play my beloved Milwaukee Admirals). We have been to a game for H's cub scout den and the kids really had fun. S is like me she LOVES hockey.
Well bless those anonymous people who donated tickets to military families. Truly THANK YOU !!!!!!! a block of tickets were donated to the base and the cub scout families were given tickets for their families to go to the hockey game ! We arrived at the center for the game and we were all set, coats, snacks, sandwiches, kids, super excited Mom. Then it became even more amazing...they told us where to go for our seats..... we were 3 rows behind the players !!!!!!!!!! in all my life I have never had seats that amazing !!!!!!
we were 3 rows behind the players !!!!! We could see the players faces the coaches dry board... those sent to penalty..... it was amazing !!!!!! The game was awesome S & I cheered like crazy that girl loves hockey as much as I do. The boys were super excited that because the Rampage scored 4 goals they would get free chicken sandwiches from the sponsor Chik-Fil-A........ it was just the perfect Sunday afternoon. The Rampage won 5-2 against the Peoria Rivermen. It was a great game...with amazing seats.

Monday we had to take a break..... remember the construction last week, the new wall for the new room, the flooring installed..... well there was dust furniture and stuff everywhere..... we had to stop and pull it all together....well as much as we could. The kids all have their own rooms now. P has his own room for the first time and he choose the paint ( twilight blue) and he picked a rocket theme. P is so proud of his new room. T loves his new room and has settled in quite well. I only have carpet cleaning upstairs and re organizing downstairs..... However all work and no play makes us dull or so they say so Tuesday it was back to spring break.

we went out and ran errands.... ( it was raining all day so we couldn't go to Sea World as planned) ok it wasn't exciting but, we did stop and eat at a Sonic for the first time ever. T had earned a reward from school so we took him to use his card. Sonic is not our thing..... but we tried something new !

Wednesday it really was back to fun we had planned on going to the zoo, one of our favorite hang outs. It was over capacity people were standing in the street for hours waiting to get in as others left..... luckily just around the corner from the zoo is the Japanese gardens ! So we took our picnic lunch and went to the gardens which were empty except for 1-2 people and the boys LOVED the rock walls and winding paths and the wonderful fish and ducks. The kids wandered explored and imagined the morning away in the beautiful sunshine. We had lunch at the picnic tables.... then the kids all went for a ride on the zoo train through Breckenridge park. It was off to home for a nap then because we had a really exciting evening ahead of us. Nan took the kids & I to see Disney on Ice for a St. Patrick's day treat !!!!! We saw Irish dancers outside on the green carpet before the show . Mickey & Minnie arrived in a horse drawn carriage and Minne came up the green carpet and S got a high five from Minnie !!!!!!! we felt like rock stars ! S thought it was really cool Minnie high five'd her from the green carpet. Inside it only got better, the show was full of all the kids favorite Disney characters on ice singing "dancing" . P saw Woody, H saw Buzz & captain hook, S was thrilled to see all of the princess'. It was a great show.


Thursday, the kids had a rainbow tea party here at home ( T & I had appointments all day) P made rainbow cupcakes which were extremely tasty.

Friday, we had planned to go see the snake guest at the children's museum..... however plans changed and instead we went to go see a rodent of unusual size AKA Chuck E. Cheese. My Mom loves Chuck E Cheese.... as much as the kids do so it was fun the kids ran around played laughed had fun.... went crazy and spring break went out with a bang.

This weekend will be cold and rainy..... rumor has it movie night will be the next Star Wars movie ( we started with the "old" Star Wars.... so this week will be Empire Strikes back !
Next week will be school, and work, and putting the house together and laundry..... but this week was silly fun.

the Psychiatrist office

I was sitting in the waiting room of the psychiatrist office today when I overheard the most interesting conversation. For those of you who have never been to a psychiatrist office normally these waiting rooms are like any other doctors office people sitting somber waiting to go back for their appointment ,no drama, no scenes, no crazy stuff. I have been to countless offices in countless cities and states for T and maybe once I have seen drama or what some people might envision a psychiatrist waiting room to "look" like. Usually just old magazines scattered about and people waiting. I was waiting for T's doctor to call us back, when a conversation between a mother and her son struck me. This office is an adolescent & child psychiatry office hoverer it isn't covered in toys or anything child like. The son leans over and says loudly to the Mother ( he is right next to me) " What I was trying to say before you cut me off was that it is hard during spring break all these kids are off of school and I'm not and ( Mother cuts son off ) Mother flat out in a matter of fact voice without putting her magazine down says " You are 18 years old you are almost 19 you are not a kid anymore spring break is for kids if you choose to have younger friends this is not my issue you didn't go to work you were suppose to you are 18 now and have to act your age" Now to an outsider this might have seemed harsh. The "kid" says " I know that was my point they have spring break I don't " Mother again in matter of fact voice repeats her previous statement. The " kid" finds a new tactic to go around this Mother states sentence again...... this happens 4 more times before we are called back.....

Meanwhile right next to me T points out the gun sign again ( he does this every visit every 4 weeks and usually 5-6 times in the waiting area. Here in Texas as many know there is a concealed weapon law and many citizens carry guns all over the place. To see Texans with a gun is not unusual they have permits and it is the culture here, however in hospitals and government buildings and any Federal buildings there are gun signs that post despite the law they are not permitted on the grounds or in the building. I have not met a gun totting Texan who didn't follow the rule and most places you can place your gun in a registered gun locker desk for your time in the building. I have explained this to T many times and talked about his thoughts at nauseam on the subject. It really isn't a big issue but every time we deal with it and have the same conversation.

It is in this moment when I had the gun conversation with T for the 5th time in 20 minutes that I totally sympathized with the Mother & child next to me... different topic same repetition same strain..... I sympathized with her earlier because I have had repetitive conversations with T before on so many topics I have lost count. I sat there and wondered will this be me in 6 years ? Will I still be having these repetitive conversations ? The answer is yes because that is the reality.

As the mother of a child with a mental illness I am many things consoler, advocate, warrior mom, counselor, caretaker, mom, and reality check. I am often the "bad cop" and have to lay down the law, I often give out unpopular requests and I often have to utter phrases like " How long have you heard the voices ? Do you think you can fly all the time or just right now ? I come from a medical background and I am beginning to think my time in nursing school was so I could be his advocate and understand everything. I also have lived in this world so long there are some things that enrage me and others that inspire. I don't go to support groups because I don't feel living in the quagmire is going to change our path, treatment or position. I totally believe in support groups I believe they are useful tools to unite parents and give people a sense of place, the world is tough and to know you are not alone is a good thing. There are also resources through each other you couldn't find alone and for new parents never in this world I encourage them highly. The problem is I had baptism by fire this crept up on us and by the time we were in so deep we could have used a rescue friend we were moving so often and things were what they were. I can't go back only forward. I have friends who support me and for that I am thankful.

I am a barracuda, mother bear, dragon lady when it come to advocating for my child. Nurses laugh at my moxie, I have shocked doctors with my candor, I have been asked to teach other parents how to survive this. I am neither a saint nor a villain just a Mom with a problem. I am not sure I ever wanted to be a poster child for mental health rights or to become a spoken person. I have some fellow mental health Mom's recently ask me to lead the way. I tell them all the time I am no expert I could never teach or lead until I was. I have no answers I have not succeeded my child is not where I feel he should be. I am enraged by the fact that our mental health offerings for children are bleak, minuscule and almost non -existent. When I couldn't find what I needed or ran out of resources I dug deeper looked harder, searched further. When I reached the bottom of one barrel I found a new barrel. By shear tenacity alone I have survived what some term a unsurvivable situation. However the more I search the more I dig the more enraged I become. I still have no answers, no magic bag of resources to help and certainly no answers on a path that is helpful and can be the "solution". How can we be so clueless about mental health ? Why do we ignore it ? Why do we lack any sort of understanding ? Why isn't this getting more attention ? Why aren't there more resources ? For years doctors, nurses, psychiatrist, psychologist and other specialist have said to me "wait until he is a teenager then there are more options " Seriously ? I mean in what world do you let something spiral out of control to the point of no return and THEN seek to turn it around with a limited amount of resources and throw your hand up and say "well there is nothing we can do ? "

I wonder if we put more time and research into mental health would we have so many homeless people with mental health issues ? Truly these people are not beyond help or reason. I know back in the 50's when the mentally ill lived in facilities they weren't always right, some people where there and shouldn't have been and there were abuses to the system. However I have seen news stories and read articles about parents around the nation heartbroken and on the brink because their mentally ill child is trying to harm themselves and others and the best we can do is a 5 day hospitalization. heartbreaking stories where as parents our backs are against the walls and people make their children wards of the state to serve consequences to everyone just to get their child care. I can tell you first hand the "system " promises you the moon and the stars but puts countless road blocks up for you thwarts you at every turn and tells you to wait. There is a limited number of things to help and they limit who can access it but tell you everyone can.

If I could become an advocate for it I would say we need better doctors and more of them, we need to view mental health in a different way, we need safe places where the mentally ill can receive treatment when they need it. We need assisted living apartment complexes where mentally ill can live and work and lead normal lives but have services available to them when needed. Having working healthy adults is cheaper than countless hospital visits and stays and people homeless or unemployed or on disability. We need to wake up and recognize that children can't wait.


I have spent 10 years fighting for my son to not end up in the criminal system to help guide him to do the right thing and to view his mental health like he would heart health. He needs to take his medication just as someone with diabetes or a heart condition would take theirs to help maintain health. That he is responsible for his actions and choices and that he has to learn techniques to help himself navigate in the world. However I know full well from images in the news and from first hand experiences the deck is stacked against him that in all likely hood he could end up on the street or in the criminal system or on illegal drugs. I don't blame society or feel entitled to a hand out I feel that we should collectively work to change how the world views mental health. We need to find financially responsible ways of allowing the mentally ill to work and function and be a part of society not shunned. I believe my son should work and be productive in the capacity he can. I know Bipolar and other mental health illness aren't glamorous or Vogue like other diseases, but it is real and ignored.

I know 2 mothers here with sons' in there 20's with bipolar, they struggle as they have for years with the same issues. They, like me for years have gone to appointments sought treatment and better ways of helping their son's. They hold the same repetitive conversations with their son's, they have the same issues they have been dealing with for years. The voices, the medications, the moods, the threats, the impulsive choices. Their children are doing the same repetitive things that come with this illness, and I see frustration and defeat I see hope and inspiration and strength...... but at the end of the day with out saying the words the elephant in the room is there plain as day. We will have the same conversations over and over do the same things over and over because there is no other option. Why ?

So while I would like to think not me..... I know 6 years from now I will be sitting in the doctors office somewhere having a similar repetitive conversation about making choices and following rules and changing something. I know when T is 18 that he will still need to change his medications, he will still hear voices, still have manic phases, and still be impulsive. I just hope that we will come farther in our options and that there will be better solutions.

St. Patrick's Day

In honor of St. Patrick's day I'm going to talk ancestors. I recently had ( an Irish friend) mention that this time of year she feels a tad bit more smug because she is actually Irish. The phrase Everyone is Irish on St. Patrick's Day is one of those wonderful contradictions that is. Admittedly many of us who are Irish all agreed we all feel the same way. We get a tad bit more smug in March because we have a claim to being Irish "for real". Admittedly we all realized this was very childish..... I mean it's not like we win a prize or that we get free green beer on the holiday. So exactly why is that we can be a bit more smug at being "real Irish" ? The mixture of the group and the level of Irish wasn't important and we certainly didn't take it that far in our "school yard" contest. Although thinking about it now all of us trying to determine who was more Irish would have just been the cherry on the childhood game now wouldn't it. I fully admit I become more smug at St. Patrick's day about the fact I have Irish blood. I'm not even Catholic. I remember when I was a child my mother would mention my Irish bloodlines.... My father would often joke that he was going to wear orange & purple instead of green for Saint Ulru ( I have no idea who this is or how to spell it) According to my father ( I would take this with a boulder of salt) the "saint" was the patron saint of the Protestants and should be just as honored. I often wonder if this is the Orange Order and the flag of Ulster... but one never knows with my father how accurate his stories are. At the time we didn't think my Father's ancestors had any ties to Ireland at all...so he could have just been stirring things up.... I say that with an impish twist.

We always wore green and I loved St. Patrick's day because it involved green and spring and it meant that soon flowers would bloom the sun would shine and we might thaw for a short time ( I lived in very cold climates as a kid). I have papers to show that indeed I have Irish blood and not just any Irish blood.....Related to Michael Collins. I guess my Great-Great Grandmother was a cousin. Later it was found that my father's family was not only Welsh but tied to a clan in Scotland ( the Gunn clan) but had ancestors from Ireland as well. Now my smug child side says well, if anyone wants to question the authenticity of my Irish heritage I have it from both sides of my genetic pool so nan nanana boo boo. What does this mean ? Not much other than I am a bit more smug in the month of March because in fact the tinge of red hair, the mile wide stubborn streak, and the fiery nature are in fact genetically encoded from some of my Irish blood.

Of course putting all of this aside I have to think of my other ancestors and what this means. I had an Uncle who loved Genealogy from my father's family and he was able to trace our family history back to the 1500's. Very exciting and the inner nerd in me loves that I know where I come from, the good, the bad, the scandalous all of it. I have actual papers showing a lot of interesting documents about my family. The nerd in me loves this too. I also have from my Mother's side some great stories and family history at least back into the 1700's. I can't neglect all of my fantastic relatives the good the bad and the downright outrageous. I would lie if I said I wasn't proud of it all. I know that I am related to Benjamin Hornagold, oh yes the famous pirate who trained black beard on how to be a pirate. H especially loves this family connection as he wishes he could be a pirate himself. I have a Colorado Governor, a slave trading wild man, a famous highway man, a Cherokee Indian and a Danish exile in the linage also. I do feel that sometimes it is important to know where you come from if you can plan where you are headed. My grandmother used to joke that figuratively we were a family of generations of gypsies. Simply because for hundred of years one side of my family couldn't make up where they wanted to be and they traveled and wandered. If I have that many generations of people who like to explore then what chance did I stand at finding happiness in one place ? My mother is a first generation immigrant, she is in fact from London. I like to imagine what my ancestors did why they went places and who they were, the curious side of me loves all of it. I know this might seem dull and boring to most but again my inner nerd loves all of it. I think about the song Galileo by the Indigo girls.

When I left for Germany last year I wrote a long note planning on posting it here about how this American girl was going to walk where her ancestors walked and what that would mean, I might post it here later. I have to say visiting a few of the places I knew relatives had come from was fascinating I felt that somehow I understood them more or at least felt closer to them. I had German relatives from Berlin ( my Great -Grandmother on my father's side came from there) I had cousins more than once removed that came from Poland ( same family). The thought we all know each other within six degrees of separation is exciting. Just from My father's family I have relatives that came from Denmark one of them worked for the Danish monarch, My Great-Grandmother came from Sweden my grandmother spoke Swedish we celebrated Swedish holiday's when I was a child. I had family that made Gauntlets in Whales, My family was part of the Gunn clan in Scotland. My Grandfather was Canadian, and family came here when they grew tired of the conflicts of the Alsace Lorraine region of France ( although my father will tell you they lived on the German side) Having traveled to the Alsace Lorraine region, and learning of it's history and when my relatives were there they were both French and German. There was a Danish Opera singer and a Swedish painter. This family had people come over on ships when we were still a colony not yet a country. They landed and owned land in North Carolina. One of these famous relatives was a well know slave trader ( told you there was some ugly). I have relatives that founded Guntersville Alabama. My cousins belong to the Daughters of the American Revolution and we had family that fought on both sides of that war, as we did with the civil war. The famous slave trader had a brother who disagreed with his views and married a Cherokee Indian who had walked in the Trail of Tears. They left to become farmers in Indiana. I think of all of this mixture and what it means. I am American made up of the melting pot of immigrants from the world and yet unequivocal tied to the Untied states and it's history to gain Independence and to unite despite the civil war. It just doesn't get any more American than that.

My mother's family is Irish, Scottish and English. My Mother told me that we are related to a highway man that was famous in certain parts of England ( there are those trouble makers cropping up ) London, Nottingham, Feltham, Norwich, Norfolk..and countless other places. Revolutionaries and common people all tied together through blood lines.

When I worked as a waitress in Alaska I met a man from England an elderly man very nice and I asked him where he was from in England ( his accent sounded familiar) After we got to talking I discovered he was from Norwich like my grandfather (my Mother's father). I told him that this is where my grandfather came from ( it explained why his accent was familiar) Well after some more talk the man asked my grandfather's name and I told him..... they lived down the street from each other went to the same grade school knew each other well. They had even exchanged letters just a few years earlier and he knew my Great-Grandfather and my Mother and my Grandmother. To know in the middle of nowhere Alaska I could find friends of my family was mind boggling and comforting also. My grandfather knew everyone in the town where he lived in Illinois as kids we joked we couldn't go anywhere unrecognized. This was good it kept us out of trouble and we all knew our place in the world, to this day there are people who still know my grandfather. The elderly man told me I had his nose and he could see my grandfather's stubborn streak in me. I have to laugh and think about this country song where the lyrics talk about being Rosemarie's granddaughter and being the spitting image of her father as she sings about small towns where you are your family.

Recently I was at a seminar and a woman next to me mentioned she used to be a music teacher ( I knew she was from Illinois) I said oh what did you teach my father was a music teacher. After a spirited conversation come to find out she used to send her bows to my grandfather's instrument repair shop and she knew my Grandfather ( my father's father) I smiled and nearly started to cry. My grandfather was an amazing man who knew everyone also in his town he was warm and loving and quick with smiles and good conversation he had a wit and intelligence that could mesmerize. I spent countless summers in my grandfather's basement workshop/store re-padding clarinets ( one of many skills I posses because of him) Doing intricate inlay repair work on gorgeous instruments. I helped hammer out dents in brass instruments, I watched my grandfather make pieces he needed at his metal lathe. I was probably the only 6 year old who knew how to work a bunson burner just right to loosen old glue and to find missing minuscule springs on the workshop floor. I would wait for the horse hair to come in and count the strands with my grandfather ( the horse hair for bows is imported and it cost hundreds of dollars and you get only a small strand every hair counts) I helped prepare it, we wore gloves so we wouldn't get oil on the hair. It hung in the basement in the back of the shop. I watched my grandfather painstakingly string those bows with such skill and accuracy it almost made time stand still. How detail orientated he was and how meticulous he was. He would deliver all of his instruments by hand in a station wagon.... the same station wagon that my brother & I rode in for all of our adventures with him. I traveled his route delivering instruments all over the central part of Illinois. My grandfather would chat with every customer, we never knew a stranger, he drank a lot of coffee and we spent a lot of time just visiting with everyone. I felt at home no matter where I roamed and I knew a lot of people. This woman used one of those bows, I remember professionals from all over the state wouldn't let anyone touch their bows but my grandfather. I used to gather shells at the river off his boat to use for our inlay repairs.... and to make buttons for a seamstress in town. This woman knew my grandfather and my father. I am never far from family no matter where I roam. This was in Dallas Texas.

It doesn't matter where we come from or how we got here or who we are related to really, what matters is if we understand we are connected and that our family is around us always whether we came from a large family or a small family. We make our own families when we travel when we show kindness to others through our friends. It is true we are all "Irish" on St Patrick's day regardless of our bloodlines. I could be more smug and say I have lots of Irish blood but a drop or a gallon it really doesn't matter because the truth is I am truly American woven into the fibers of this country throughout history.

My children are part of this tapestry, and they have new blood infused into the line through their father..... which I could write a whole page on the mixture of Sam. Which makes me laugh because my children have not only my global blood lines but Sam's and that involves at least 5 more countries around the globe.... and truly makes them even more of an American mixture.

So this Irish, English, Welsh, Scottish, Swedish, Danish,French, German, Canadian- American girl will wear green enjoy her feisty nature, drink a green drink and tell her children about their Irish relatives mixed with the others on St. Patrick's day just like my Mother did for me ...... I might wear something purple or orange for my Father just to stir things up a bit. The most important thing is we will share time and laugh and remember our family old, new, ancient and rumored.

Japanese Tea Garden

due to technical difficulties I couldn't add all of the pictures I wanted the other day.... or in the order I wanted... Life is about adaptation so I will add pictures here.