Random thoughts.....

So I'm manic again.... not in a literal sense.... I can joke about it. I have heard women can crack jokes about women, African-Americans can make jokes about African-Americans..... you see where I am going. I live with crazy I know crazy and I have had plenty of experience with crazy so I can joke about crazy. That said I feel like I have a million things to say all at once and can't get this rush of thought out fast enough and even if I could it would make very little sense to anyone outside of my head.

As the mother of 3 1/2 year old twins I have been asleep.... I can't tell you about books, or movies or anything current because while I function in the world I stumble through it trying to survive my own storms. This has become very apparent in the "what are you doing" questions. I think I used to hike, swim,ski, rock climb, explore, write, read, knit, try new things....... Now I try not to scream as for the fourth time today someone rips apart their room, dumps the box of q-tips, spills their milk again ( and always on the crack of the table I might add). I have been in a daze. I have a friend who urged me to read some books..... which shall remain nameless because I NEVER would have read them they were nonsense I wasn't going to get sucked into. No they aren't romance novels don't worry. I read them ,4 of them, all over 300 pages and all in a week.... and I have read them each again at least 7 times in the last 2 months. YES they are THAT good ! I can read, I miss reading oh how I miss reading. I realized the last book I read was the seventh Harry Potter book while I was pregnant with the twins. I have read magazines and articles and snippets of good stuff online but a real book with real pages for me...... I LOVE books..... well since then I have also read 4 other books. No worries nothing meaty I am working up to that, flexing my literary might. They are all quick reads, although, I did squeeze in Sense & Sensibility again for classical balance. I recently had an awesome conversation over wine with a friend about Civil War novels and our favorite generals and who writes the best books and what we love about the people the time and the authors. There are 4 civil war novels I am going to read before the year is out because I am ready for the meaty stuff again.

I realized when I watched a movie with Jenny that I couldn't remember the last movie I had watched that I wanted to see. I realized I had missed a few I wanted to see. It took being stranded on a plane for 3 hours with nothing to read ( I flew through the 5 magazines I was behind on in one hour kid free) To finally watch a movie Sam had put on my itouch nearly a year ago.... and the movie was a few years old already. Elizabeth the Golden age, it was GOOD of course I LOVE Queen Elizabeth I, so much I mean, she would be the person of history I would love to meet..... I could write several blog posts just about her.

I have tried to watch a few movies I wanted to watch even if it is in pieces over a few days or I fast forward through some.... I watched the Time Traveler's Wife... oh goodness had I any idea I wouldn't have it is like Lassie all over again I cried and I try to avoid that.

I realized today that there are some things I want to be mine. Not that I wouldn't share about them or talk about them but really there are some things that I want that are just MINE. See what hanging out with toddlers will do to you. You pick up the lingo. I need to turn off a certain voice in my head. Oh stop we all have them I'm not that crazy. This one is the negative voice of people I know. I need to leave that voice off, when I do and when I really push it out by making myself busy which I love to do, then I find I become a creative more vibrant version of myself.

That said, in the shower I was thinking about a conversation I had with a friend about a laptop. I have never had one that was mine ever, which isn't strange they weren't popular to own in the dinosaur days of my college experience ( I didn't have e-mail until my senior year) In grad school I used my home computer, I didn't work..... Sam has his I have used it every once in awhile.... Like a cell phone did I really need one ? I mean really what for ? Well I was talking with this friend and I must have seemed like an alien. This friend doesn't know me well so I might have even appeared like a fearful female afraid to be independent ( although I doubt anyone who knows me would get that idea at all) then I thought about going back and explaining that to this friend.

I am the girl you can take to the woods with a q-tip and I can build you a mall.....
You need to pack 20 lbs into a 5 lb bag great I'm your gal....
I have packed everything and the kitchen sink in no time flat in less space than any human I know ( thank you grandpa)
You have no clue how you are going to survive this cataclysmic event in your life..... call me I am your girl
You need to do more with less and now..... It's me
You need to know some quote from some obscure author who lived 300 years ago.... Call me
You need something you don't think you could find anywhere I am the Radar of the real world.....
At 3 am when you have been drinking you need to know if alcohol is going to mess up the medication you think you aren't suppose to drink while on... call me I'm you're girl....

Jane of all trades here at your service.... including Shakespearean sonnets you need for a date tomorrow......

I am the one at my house who says " You don't need that" or "we can live without this" Sam loves to tease me I would be bartering for livestock if he would let me..... I didn't own a TV when I met him I could totally live without one happily...... I had to be cajoled into a cell phone and I'm still not sold on it.......( and it is a simple phone trust me)

It isn't I can't get a laptop or that I wouldn't put it to good use...... I am a minimalist in some ways and yet a total pack rat in others ( remember those books, ask Sam how much he likes my antique Dental cabinet)
I NEVER buy anything for myself and if I do it has a price tag of under $30.00 and it better be on sale, clearance, or have a coupon...... ok I break this for very good reason..... Jenny would call it her Cost per Use equation..... I say in the past it proved it's value I can't live without it ( I would willingly pay 70.00 for a pair of Teva's because I can tell you from experience that there is NOTHING in the universe you can't do in teva's and they last through it all) I paid 65.00 for this DKNY Cozy...... which was on sale at an outlet and I had an extra coupon..... it can be worn in 24 different ways comes with a video a flyer and online resources for more ideas..... it is cashmere and silk and it has proven to be the best fashion gimme widget on the planet next to my Teva's .....and I look great in it ( it has even been used as a blanket more than once)

So today I bought a Coach purse....... now this would be where the phone would ring and my husband would be in in a state of irritation ( not really he never reads this and in his own words " I never worry about you if it isn't a steal it doesn't make it past you and you would never spend money frivolously" so we'll see if he mentions this when I pick him up next week )
I have always wanted a Coach purse but I would NEVER pay the retail price for one. I had a love hate relationship with them in true Pisces style. I would love to have one and be like everyone else and they come in so many fun styles and colors and I am holding out for a purple one of course. I would hate to have one because everyone has one and they never seem to come out in the right shade of purple and who pays that for a purse......... fear not friends I haven't gone totally mad... I was at the outlet it was double sale day and there was a coupon...... it was clearance and it cost less than a sale purse that would be fake leather at a department store.... I usually buy one purse a year and use it until it dies when I totally and completely agonize over buying one... like jeans they never are quite right and I expect a lot as we will be together daily through kids, goo, sticky messes, rushed errands, flights, pack mule moments and other unexpected catastrophes for a good long while and I better get every penny out of it...... ( there is a reason people joke about me being a cross between a drill sargent & a general.....)

So I did it, I bought it, a purple Coach purse all leather ( nothing like solid un adorned leather to call to me) It is beautiful ,I bought it..... the weird thing is I feel no guilt........ maybe tomorrow.... but really no guilt..... then I thought about the laptop conversation..... I am not lacking in Independence I am overly independent.... the problem lies in I am so " I can do without" that I forget it is ok to do with occasionally..... enter Sam who indulges that often to my dismay & distraction..... of course he gave up a long time ago trying to convert me to the "indulge" side.... although he reminds me often it is fun to eat out buy something for no rational purpose. I know if he reads this he won't believe it until he sees it......

I was in Coach looking at laptop bags.....which reminded me of a conversation with another friend right after I talked about why I dislike cell phones for me... I want an iphone, she burst out laughing hysterically saying " you go from no phone to not wanting a phone, to you have to have an iphone !" ( hey if I am going to the realm of unnecessary & dream it should be good right) so I was shopping for laptop bags...... and a Coach one too, right, because if you are going to go for technology you might as well go all the way. I wanted one of those pure leather bags that professors carry. You know solid sturdy dependable supple leather that will see you through 20 years without flinching and look better for it leather bags....... when I was sidetracked into a leather purple purse.......

so I guess the point of this is to say..while I have never had a laptop of my own because I don't need one..... It isn't because I am a needy dependant female who can't figure out what to do or find for herself..... I really just forget that it is ok to shop for myself and indulge on a splurge once a decade..... but once I turn the voice of reason off I can do just that.

Now that my creative mind is living in fantasy I plan to write..... to maybe knit again.... to definitely read and read and read..... to think with wild abandon as I love to learn and I plan to form some great dreams......

on a side note read the book Eat, Pray, Love it is hilarious and fun and useful and worth the time ( it's short 331 pages) I have been laughing in Italy all evening. I am reading it for my online book club.... my first formal book club as I have talked books with people for years just not in an organized group..... it should be fun ! I know I will have a few posts on the pearls of wisdom from this book.