Trust, Faith, and Clutter

Brace yourself for an unleashing of posts. I have been away and distant, the writer's block is gone the frustration of the moving is easing slightly. I have been away due to kids clutter and my own frustration......However really these are all excuses, reality but excuses. I find I am one who deeply loves people in general I mean I seek out their company I trust them unconditionally , I have faith in the absolute best in them and believe that we hold the power to do great things everyday on a small scale together. I have to say however that this move has shaken every belief I have to the very core of my soul. I have been frustrated beyond the breaking point, disappointed in the behavior of some, disillusioned in the behavior of others and just plain appalled at the levels that others will sink to. Loyalties have been shaken to the core. In an odd twist of fate it has been strangers, loved ones and distant groups that have left my faith shaken. The question I always ask when in the depths of frustration ....."Is it me or the world?"
Trust is the first leap of faith I will tackle. In the time I have spent as part of the military community I have to say that I have always felt like something larger, something worthy, something different and unique. I have always been amazed at military families ability to absorb strangers into their lives and families and make it a bigger family a bigger world and yet a small close knit crowd. That you could call on at any moment for anything. Why? We all know we are all we have out here. Most of us whether we are stateside or overseas realize that we are a "million" miles from our families and loved ones and that for better or worse we are all in the same boat. this has always felt like the perfect thing to me.....as this is my general life philosophy before and after the military life. the world can be ugly and if we can be there for some one who is a new or old friend then it has to be we are all we have........At different times we have lived in a military community or away...and this feeling ebs and flows depending on what base we are at. I have so many close friends scattered all over the world and while our time together was short or long there is a bond that makes us friends and family all at the same time. Since arriving here I have been amazed at how people have been helpful and kind. Jessica in Germany ( I have 3 friends named Jessica) knowing us less than 2 weeks lent us her car without question, drove S and I to the hospital, drove umy Mom to the airport when my Uncle died. Gave us directions, helped us settle in, greeted us with a smile in the rain...... Other's who we met on the buses have become fast friends that we can talk to and rely on while so far away. I am truley blessed to have met such wonderful people...who trust us to use there car until ours came.... I mean we are strangers....and yet we are taken under the wing and helped...... this reminds me of why I need to have faith in people....and count my blessing everyday......

Then I'll have a fight with my husband as we all do from time to time...and things are said that make me wonder if I have enough faith in this process to survive another day of boxes and missing things and clutter......

I will make a phone calls to the states in the middle of the night to take care of some business and I will have horrible customer service ( combined with sleep depervation due to midddle of the night "work" and daily life)...and I will think is there no loyalty left in the world ( my insurance nightmare is another post.....) or lost mail missing medical records..resumes.......and snotty sales clerks who frown ...Doctor's who question other doctor's choices for my children ( like I'm clueless)...... and I think how could I have ever seen any good in people?.... I think of the mess that is my life at the moment and I sigh and think will the sun ever shine????

I hate clutter it makes me crazy.... perfectionist Heather has a home for everything and everything has a home..... yet by other's standards I seem cluttered. Now to be fair I have always been a post it girl through and through...I live by lists and papers...... I always say I am going to get rid of the clutter and clear my "desk" which at the moment is a part of my kitchen counter because my desk is flaoting on the ocean somewhere.....in my missing crate...... P & S have been in travel beds for 3 1/2 months...... I haven't unpacked 2 suitcases for as long.... I am missing odds and ends that make things I have work........ so nothing is settled..... and the bits of paper that are my life that I always think don't exist....are staring me down and the twins ruffle through them and scatter them and some are MIA........... and I think how can I live like this another day?
When you set out on adventure's rarely do people show you the untidy bits of the process to the paradise....... like despite 4-5 calls over 3 months to our insurance company someone failed to mention ( despite asking) that when living in Germany you have to have 7.5 million euros is coverage......... for your car...and how much this costs...... and yes this is seriously how much coverage you have to have...or my favorite that despite taking care of things before leaving they still can't understand where you are, why you need changes, or that in reality the policy you thought covered your car being shipped didn't ( thank goodness our car arrived in perfect shape on the 4th of november YEAH !!!!).....and no one tells you that your crates can be seprated by months and oceans...... and some days it seems more than a person can bear...... You get the shinny cover the glamour of the adventure without really seeing the grit that is the process....and should we say it? Should we say that somedays you want to rip your hair out because the phone number for your bank account to call them internationally has been dumped into the sink of dishes by your 2 year old..... or that your parts box to put your bed together is on the ocean and it may come by the 17th but really it could be the 25th........and your husband is leaving and will miss a 4th year of holiday's...and your child's medical records are lost at the moment and you can't get his bipolar meds until they are found and it is hard to say when they might surface?????
Am I exposing the untidy part of myself ......sadly yes....... am I at a low.....sadly yes.... have I lost faith in all I hold dear......it is possible................am I sleep deprived and driven mad..... sadly yes....will it all look better when I have my crate, my son's records, my desk and computer, when the sun shines and we have a "warm" day? yes true it will......
and truley haveing faith of any kind is believing that even at our darkest moment we are all part of one another and other things larger than ourselves........yes
I have faith in those I love to love me when I need to be loved ..untidy clutter and all
I have faith that my husband will have a better day not pick a fight with me and smile....and maybe have faith with me this will be better.......
I have faith that despite the "lost" medical records that the doctor in CA I trusted my son's life with for 2 years will be able to find and actually get records to me.....
I have faith that my crate will come and like a million other things in my life I will be able to figure out how to put a bunk bed together by myself with the twins hanging out "helping" and that even if it is on T's birthday I will come through and make his 11th birthday special despite the missing pans, parts and stuff....despite the clutter and boxes...his birthday will be special like him.....even if Dad has to be gone another year.......
I have faith that the Mac won't be mean, it will come in one peice and I will have my files pictures and resume again........ and it will work for me...and I can put it together....... the right way.
I have faith that while the Army thinks we are differnt they will bring us into the fold and give us some of our familiar staples of military life....
I have faith that this is all for the greater good that I will be stronger smarter and wiser for my trials and tribulations.....
I have faith I can spare another frustrated wife a moment of despair...with a simple smile in the rain....
I have faith that my life is still better than millions of others...despite my pathetic pity party.....
I have faith that people I don't know care...
I have faith that this will pass and life will be "normal"
I have faith that my marriage can survive moving a new couch up three flight of stairs in the rain and middle of the night ( see future post)
I have faith that the world is bigger than my problems and that in the bigger picture this is small
I have faith my soul has not been lost with my sanity and that dreams can come true.... I am keeper of my future for better or worse and I can make my life what it should be...
I have faith in friends and family...
I have faith that despite my children driving me to insanity they will turn out to be wonderful decent humans who make a difference in the world......despite painting on their brother's comforter's with bright orange paint P...... or dumping my papers in water S....or screaming that I stink as a Mom T...or breaking 2 pictures with a broom H.........( this moment I need to remember 3 flights and 14 flight attentant's thought my children where angel's...and that at parent teacher confrences I was told my boys have the best manner's and are sweet and kind to their classmates)
I have faith that I would not be gievn anything I couldn't handle.........
I guess at the end of a very long day and an even longer post I have many blessing and that maybe if I have faith, trust, and my own clutter that the sun will come out tomorrow and my soul will be restored....... although a trip to Target kid free and a batch of my mom's current scone's would help...........