A long while

It has been a long while since I have written anything...... odd , yes even for me to be gone for so long. I haven't written because sometimes to many words still can't convey the story. Because sometimes there are to many words that clutter the story. When you are caught between too many and too few words where do you go? Is this really writers block ?

This year is coming to an end, and not soon enough. I would like the New Year to be full of spring , and full of hope, and full of goals being reached, dreams being obtained, positive thoughts being showered on those I love.

Learning to let go of things is a challenge, when I feel as though I have defeated myself. Thanksgiving has come and gone....... and shamefully this year I didn't appreciate what I could be thankful for. I have been upset that Thanksgiving has been over looked by many people and it seems that retail giants feel we should really be focusing on spending money on stuff.

Thanksgiving is more than being thankful the pilgrims survived and found friendship and peace with the native Americans. We should take a moment to pause and think about what we are thankful for. We should pause and reflect as we do on the New Year to think about how much we have and not what we are missing.

I am thankful for friends and family, that this year despite health issues they are here and doing well. That time has healed some things, and that I have so many fabulous people to love. I am thankful I have a home. I have four beautiful children who amaze me daily for both the good and the bad.

My challenges are small compared to some, and while I have been hiding speechless waiting for the right words to express all of it; I am still grateful for the things that I have.

There are everyday moments worth writing about, people worth speaking about, stories worth sharing. Happiness is where we look for it. I will find my voice and the words again to color the posts of this blog, because I am thankful I have a space for those words to be heard.

The Equipment

Being a military spouse means seeing equipment come and go on a regular basis..... TDY's and Deployments..... Eventually it comes as no surprise that a whole shelf in your storage area is covered with various camouflage colored items. The kids love it when the gas mask comes out, or when the 5 camel packs come out. I am always amazed at how the assortment of hats and blankets seems to multiply between deployments. We have enough equipment to camouflage an entire city from view I am sure....

My husband is also a photojournalist so there is usually some odd assortment of items for some sort of photo shoot lying around..... if you looked at them individually the items would seem very mismatched. Like the photo shoot that involved countless light sources some of the kids toys and several of my kitchen pans....
If you were to walk into my immaculately clean living room..... it would not shock you to find rumpled tissue paper all over the couch from another shoot.

I was a photographer so I get a lot of the equipment.... which comes in handy because sometimes I find equipment in the strangest places ( This morning while vacuuming I found a flash cord buried in my couch cushions..... some people find change I find photography equipment).... I have lived with all of this equipment for so long that nothing really phases me.....( like finding flash filters in my pillow case )

When I was in one of my college photography classes my professor loved to make us read about obscure photographers. Often we came across some very interesting stories. We studied this one photographer who spent a year just taking pictures. I mean literally he just kept shooting pictures, every second of every day ( this was before digital so this was all film can you imagine) He put the camera down to develop and to sleep other wise he took pictures all the time. ( long before reality TV...this was a far out concept for the time) He had a wife and 3 kids ( his wife left him after the project because she went crazy) It always struck me as odd someone would want to do this in the first place. I am not sure I could do this 24/7 for a year.

We joke at our house that the paparazzi lives here. Between me snapping pictures and Sam taking pictures even the dogs knew how to pose. I mean the twins were months old and they knew what to do for the camera. It is obscene the number of pictures we have digitally archived or actual book of other pictures. The kids and I have been the subject of many of Sam's projects....even if it means someones arm or leg or hand. Kids have been hidden under items as they are holding equipment , and Sam & I have become masters of camouflaging items and the kids holding them to make a shoot work. I have had my picture taken when I have looked my worst, for the purpose of some project.... hoping that somehow no one will recognize it is me ( Sam swears messy dirty hair in a grungy silhouette is fine no one will know it is me and it has to be for this shoot ) Sometimes the kids and I sigh at the thought of being roped into another project. Other times everyone is enthusiastic about how to make something work. In a way I think we live it 24/7 anyways just in different ways. The twins know how to work a camera even at 2 because you never know when you might have to have them push the button while you are holding a flash while dangling from a step stool in some odd pose to get the light just right on something that is rigged.

The other day involved another of those odd photo stories. After everyone had gone to bed ( I seem to always be clean up crew) I had to sit and laugh at the mess about me. Tissue paper and toys, camera parts and equipment from one end of the house to the other. Then the next day I found more in my bed , the couch, and in my closet. There are trunks in our room, in the kitchen, in the study....... I had to laugh because it still doesn't phase me. This week Sam leaves again for another trip and the trunks will go with the uniform, the laundry, and the cords..... and in another few weeks it will be back, with more pieces and parts. I swear it multiples when it flies. I will always have a lens in my bed, or a cord in my couch, or a trunk at my dresser. Mixed with the multiplying camouflage uniforms and laundry.......As I am typing this I have found the spare flash underneath my desk and another lens cloth stuck to one of the kids shirts from the dryer. S is behind me playing camera with a set of binoculars saying "cheese" to her brother.
I have to go and help pack the last 2 lenses for the trip.....and find a home for the flash filter in my pillow. Until the next photo assignment.

Our Parents

Today I have decided that when I retire it will be on a boat.... I once read an article about this couple that renovated their weekend boat to become their permanent house.... It is docked in Santa Barbara they go to work...they take to boat out..they also travel the world.... and yet they stay at home. This concept seems very nice today. Maybe I never wanted a house.... although I thought I did..... I really miss the water ( see what living in the desert will do) I have visions of whisking my children off for adventure and raising them in the world.... and nearly on a daily basis I day dream about how to make that happen.... However I often wonder would they share this with me enthusiastically? I remember I had a friend in college , his father was a chef who ran his own five star restaurant. All he ever wanted to eat as a kid was macaroni and cheese just one night for dinner, and he laughs to this day when he talks about begging his friends to let him come to their house for dinner when they ate it. The other kids all wanted to eat at his house because the food was better. The grass is always greener on the other side.... and will we ever really be happy unless we have our cake and eat it too ? I would like to believe I am a trailblazer.... I am not. I would like to believe that this would be so cool and my kids would be worldly and well rounded ( we'll ask them at 20 how I did )...... In the mixture of this day dreaming quagmire..... I wonder really will they just think I'm flaky.. or do ordinary people really do this ?

I would like to tell you I am a white picket fence kinda gal who has the perfect June Cleaver life ( ask my husband )..... However for those of you who know me well you know this is totally laughable..... I have always poured over the atlas, read my Mother's national Geographic magazines..even before I could read; I mean the pictures were amazing.... I have never followed a normal path ( ask about the parent teacher conferences for some good laughs)...... Yet my Mother hoped I would live down the street from her in the town where I was raised. we would have Sunday dinners and holiday's and our white picket fences.....

However see the thing is I never had a hometown..... I never grew up in one place..... and we never had a white picket fence..... Which brings me to our parents ...

As adults it is easy once we get past our 20's and the angst of our supposed torture at our parents hands..... by the time we are married we finally get why marriage is messy and that maybe some of those irritating conversations we overheard our parents having as children when took sides in our heads ...... might have been just a little off kilter..... when we have children we understand our parents in a whole new light.....Of course you don't have to have marriage or kids to have those moments where you see it all in a different light.

As adults going through life we realize that our parents are human with all kinds of human frailties. We see that they have insecurities and fears, and that perhaps they didn't always make the right choices or that annoying thing we find in ourselves is from some odd interpretation of their bizarre behavior..... ( ask any woman if she wants to be her mother no matter how much she loves and admires her)........

Let's say we see our parent go through a life altering event.... tragic or happy.... as an adult and then we see their true colors come out. We might like to hear stories of who they were before us.... because sometimes we find ourselves surprised they had wild dreams and aspirations that seem so unlike them now..... I have seen my parents renovate and gut more houses than I care to count ( although I can do almost anything but plumbing and electrical) I have seen them divorce ( messy) when I was an adult. I have seen them loose a child ( my brother's death).... I have seen them loose parent's ( both their father's) I have seen them change jobs change their lives and change their addresses.....

I would like to say I fled a small town in search of big city dreams.... but I came from a Gypsy home..... I moved all the time..... and yet I am still amazed that my Mother finds it odd I married a military man and I move constantly..... I would like to tell you this apple fell really far from the tree.....I moved 10 times before I had hit high school..and lived in 4 states...... My family is full of ancestors who had trouble staying in one place...or one country for that matter.... so really with this kind of DNA did a white picket fence ever factor in.....( danish courtiers, opera singers, pirates, teachers, highway robbers, and revolutionaries.....really did I stand a chance ?)

I have seen how they interact with the world...or how they hide from it all. I have seen their mistakes out there like a carcass to pick over.....

We bought and renovated houses in anything but a traditional fashion..... ( including the time we actually physically moved a house)
I choose a salary over commission any time.... with a strong reaction..... because of my Father's career changes.....( teacher to broker)
I talk about it all because my Mother didn't say much about it.....( to this day my Mother knows it makes me insane when she doesn't answer me)

So when I think about my children and the life they have had...and the plans I want to go forward with...... I can't help but wonder if they will praise me or dissect me......

Believe me I am no shrinking violet... I go forward with no regrets ...a plan and a clear communication channel......"what will THEY say " ( meaning anyone) rarely crosses my mind.... but I never go without a consideration of the impact on them......or anyone.....a lovely paradox that often causes internal conflict indicative of my piscean nature...

I have several friends who have lost parents to illness in the last year... or they have been tossed into a family drama... or they have simply been forced to sit and deal with their parents as adults.....

I am not perfect... I have made mistakes.... I still have no regrets.. this is not a good thing.... I try not to judge.... and most days I can remember they are human with strengths and weakness' personality flaws..and some troubling behaviors......sometimes I just deal with my Father with no expectations because it is a mess.....you can't change them..... I hope my children will be forgiving of my flaws and human frailties......

I have been a strong person who has tried to make everyone happy.... sometimes like most Mom's forgetting to make myself happy......it's hard not to get swept up in it all to forget to fight the small fights because you are tired or saving it for the right fights.......

I need to be true to everything I hold dear so that they find that strength in themselves and stay true to themselves when they are in a situation where it is imperative ( please let them say NO to all the wrong things we fear as parents , that we know will find them) I know several irritating things I watched growing up I always said I wouldn't do......where do we loose our voice ? We all need our own moxie always.....

If we keep our bearing and our Moxie then despite our mistakes they just might forgive us.....and realize that it's ok to be flawed.....and that they have the inner strength to do the right thing....and maybe if we are lucky they might find enough good qualities to admire..... or maybe we'll just see enough of our former selves in them to smile......either way.... we only get to do this once.....

I will try to remember they are human so when I have bizarre phone conversations with them I will forgive some of their stuff spilling into my space.....because after all no matter how good or bad our relationship is with them... no matter what mistakes they have made in their life.... We love them still faults and all in our own way.

The Cosmic Joke

When I was a junior in college close to end of the year finals I was starting my plan for the finals season..... I had taken a double course load.... which while a juggling act had actually gone alright. Then as I laid out my plans it hit me in horror. I had 2 weeks of literally no time between papers, and research projects and assignments..... they always pile the assignments at the last minute. I calculated and figured and planned trying to even find time to sleep.... I had to count minutes to do research and plan out study time ... it became so bad I was planning how many minutes I had to walk between classes because I needed extra minutes to make up for from work. Yes, I posted a note because my friends feared a meltdown. I had no time to talk or call or eat or breathe I barely had time to catch 3 hours of sleep or shower. Several friends were horrified that I could have so much work, some even offered to do some of it for me .... I didn't take them up on the offer. In the end I didn't have to time my between class time and I did get 4 hours of sleep one night. Thanks to a helpful librarian who pointed me to some more condensed books for research ( days before the Internet resources here people..... we still had a card catalog with little cards to get our books ). I passed my classes with A's and B's and did well on all but one exam.......

Little did I know my organization skills would be more valuable than the information when I had twins :)

Now with 4 kids and T especially I have to plan organize and schedule to the point I fear I might loose all free fun. T has so many appointments and sessions and special workshops that when I actually add up appointment time I am shocked at how often it adds up to full time job hours. I am fortunate here thanks to experience and sheer will I have whittled it down to 14 hours a week. That doesn't include drive time. Almost everyday there is something on the books and it barely leaves room for life's unexpected "crises" you know those random problems that blindside you on a Tuesday that will take you till Thursday to solve because it hinges on the competency of another actually doing their job. When it isn't appointments it is household stuff like cleaning and dry cleaning and grocery shopping or piano lessons or......etc.....

So the point of this mundane tale is that when a "free" day appears on the calender I practically squeal with delight at the mere thought that we might be able to do something wild and spontaneous. Usually if I see this coming I start to plan a "trip" or event ... this Summer my luck has not been all that great with "wild " adventures...... remember the lake....
This week Wednesday was wide open nothing nothing at all. Imagine my delight and it was the last week of summer vacation we had to do something. It had been a crazy week already ( yes it was only Wednesday) So low key was the plan. The kids had been so well behaved the planets were aligning at least on that one. The pool H, P & S had been begging to go and between the horrible heat and the limits on the number of people let in it had been impossible to get there.
YEAH a whole day to have fun be together and be "normal " and go to the pool.....
you know the saying the road to....... is paved with good intentions.

I woke up around midnight in pain ( I still have a bruise) I couldn't sleep so in the morning I called the doctor.... I had to be seen ..... of course because a day without some sort of appointment would just be to normal...... after 4 hours in the clinic and one very rude nurse asking really silly questions I had a new round of antibiotics. The conversation with the nurse was so ridiculous and I was so upset at having to go to a Doctors appointment on "my day off" I actually got into a sarcastic conversation with the nurse..... it was lost on her and the conversation took some turns that were humiliating to me I wanted to smack her... but I didn't... I did however let her know I was displeased......... while dealing with this new situation at hand ( the loss of 2 lab samples and a mix up with a prescription) I was also going to our insurance office because on Monday someone screwed up a small piece of paperwork that nullified 3 months of work ... so we were starting over and it required 3 different trips to one office hours of waiting at another 6 phone calls and it still isn't fixed....... and I was taking phone calls about another situation for T on the cell phone ( which I hate) I made it home in time for lunch ...... so much for a fun lazy breakfast with the 3 little ones........

2 More phone calls that were so urgent I didn't get to eat lunch with them either..... another trip to base ( thank goodness it is a 15 minute trip)...... and 3 more calls about stuff that is messed up for T. I felt like the cosmos didn't want me at the pool.....

H, P & S were soooooooo excited about going to the pool they had been wearing their swimsuits since 10 am and the pool opens at 1......

Stories about going with me cheers when I came in and out happy little giggles and so excited to spend time with me.......

Then came a call from Sam... oh yes some complete idiot had violated about 7 laws and there was an exposure issue... and a safety issue and my husband was now in a situation while not life threatening.... defiantly questionable..... After directing him where to go to fill out the incident report..and fielding 3 more phone calls..... We were headed to the pool.......

I made it to base and knew I wasn't going to the pool until I stopped to make sure the issue with Sam was ok..... Now since we have arrived there have been about 100 paperwork glitches with T and our insurance and our records and meds and ...and.... every time something comes up there is a MSGT who we deal with a great guy really funny and he is constantly amazed at how it seems the "rare & unusual" things seem to happen with us.. once maybe but as many times as they happen statistically being hit by lightning might happen before all of this ( he obviously has no idea what the odds are for us and the unusual)... So Sam was in his office..... Now due to construction his office was in one location on the far corner of the clinic where few people ventured ( I had no idea it had moved to the main area)..... So I went into the clinic in my swimsuit with a skirt on and flip flops...... my hair was a mess..... we were going to the pool and when applying sunscreen on S ...P decided to help me by putting a handful in my hair....... so once I tromp through the area where usually no one is.... Of course today it was packed and tons of people were in the hallway I mean a good 20-30 people in a remote tiny hallway..... all watching me in my swimsuit/ skirt combo and flip flops..... and not any flip flops mind you but my foam ones I do yard work in and go to the beach in...... oh yes....... ( why couldn't this happen the 100 other times when I am dressed in a dress or skirt wearing cute shoes and looking like I have some semblance of order)....... so after the walk of shame..... ( and not the college kind)......
I made it to the office...which was no longer his office.......

back through the hallway of staring people...... back through the main part of the clinic which at midday is full of close to 100 people...... up the stairs...around corners....... thankfully the MSGT found me and rescued me and took me through a maze of back hallways.. knowing I was looking for him.....

We all had a good laugh at how we were back in his office with some weird thing going on and how funny all of this was because everything is so ridiculous.... and of course my outfit and how spectacular it was......

when along comes a flight surgeon and 2 other people involved in the incident ( the lowest ranking was a MSGT).......oh yes and remember I was going to just check in on Sam and the new paperwork mess regarding the incident...... nice.. so the first time I meet all of these people I look like a mis matched swamp thing.........in a swimsuit in a clinic with flip flops...... I mean seriously I couldn't make this up if I tried I am a comedy writers dream for material...... even the worst dress list in a fashion magazine would have shied away from me.......

1 hour later 3 more people and another walk through the clinic.........

I made it to the car where Nan and the kids had been waiting...... remember to pool...... 2 out of 4 kids was crying..... there was some sort of dispute...... and it was now 30 minutes from the time we had to leave the pool to go home to make the new recipe together for dinner.......

Still reeling from the incident Sam had been involved with..... and the walk of shame...and the crying kids.... and the fact I had been to the clinic 8 times in one day........ I debated whether I was receiving a message......

The pool was out....... Nan got a small inflatable pool... I poured over the calender nearly in tears because i wasn't sure there would be another "free" day for fun..... I sooooooooo wanted to go to the pool I miss the water and the fun.... 4 crying kids one sad mom drove home....... little kids had fun in the little pool on the porch...dinner was a huge hit...7 more phone calls...2 more urgent matters..and a humiliating conversation....... and we hadn't even hit 7 o'clock.......

so I wonder if somehow I am part of some cosmic joke...... the past 3 months have been like this.... in the grand scheme of things I have a lot to be thankful for. I have so many things a house my family, food...... but really when it seems that every second has to be accounted for to someone somehow and the hamster wheel keeps turning... I just can't help but wonder when the cosmic joke will end.....

The Camel

"The straw that breaks the camel's back"........
we all use it sometimes as a threat..... a cry for help... or simple to state a fact.....
This past week the straw was an abscessed tooth.....
It blindsided me randomly on Wednesday..... like straw usually does.
Really this event was small in comparison and with sleep and some perspective I see now it really was straw......

I try to inspire I try to laugh and encourage.....
Tomorrow is a new day and we can always be better than the day before.....

Some races are measured in miles and others in inches.......

We have so many metaphors and sayings to restore our faith.....

We look to ourselves and those who love us.....

When really we are in the middle of a journey just trying to keep the wind at our backs.... we can easily get caught up in the trees of the forest.....
instead of seeing the forest from the trees......

"I should " is a phrase we should all banish from our vocabularies....
I should write more, I should love more... I should, I should...
It is almost as bad as What if ......

I found some truths this week.... some ugly truths..... but is it fair to call the truth ugly simply because it isn't what we were hoping it to be ?
whom ever said "the truth will set you free" clearly didn't have a situation where the truth meant that there was no resolution....but clarity..... I think I might rather like ambiguity :)

I am sure you have noticed I am adrift without my compass.....
searching for my voice in a sea of metaphors and sayings.....
I am sleepless... and I have a sound track of music that plays like an anthem for me daily.....
None of it has helped me find my way.......
Somewhere I fell off the path and I need to have faith in everything to find my way back.....

I am going to set some goals.......
I am going to write more and inspire more.... love more and look for the positives more.... and remember that the forest is different from the trees.... and that it is ok to stop and use my compass to find my way back.....

I have so many friends at the moment going through so many life changing things.... I think about them a lot and think about how much I want to make it all right... to help them through.. to help them find their way..... The challenges we are facing both big and small unite us..... we are not alone... whispering in our hearts are words of love and kindness from all of those who love us......
" It is the holes in the lace that render it beautiful " ~ Anam Cara

Dentist Day

So today was Dentist Day !!!! For those of you who know me well you know I am totally into teeth and I am anal about keeping them perfect....my dentists always comment on how enthusiastic I am about dental hygiene...... I have trained the kids to be excited about the dentist and brushing... so today was a big adventure.... Dentist Day !!!!! whooo hooo cleaning of the teeth goodie bags with toothbrushes and floss.... what could be better..... Ok I admit I am a bit more excited than the average Mom about taking 3 kids to the dentist......
The pediatric offices are always decorated so fun and here in Texas the dentist has an underwater theme like our dentist in California so the kids were all super excited.....
After the usual x-rays and inspections..... the polishing and cleaning....
I had three kids with clean teeth and excellent reports. All three kids were cavity free and had perfect teeth..... this makes for one really happy Mom.
All three kids had pictures taken by the dentist and all three left with goodies bags and a prize from the treasure chest..... however I have to admit I was probably the most excited of the bunch. I love the dentist !.......

Faith Love and Trust

We are all human... we all experience the same emotions... in different ways..... now the creative collection of expression that comes from us is really the zest of life.....

Have you ever noticed when you are having a terrible time with relationships...all you notice is how in love everyone is or how there is a couple everywhere you look.....

or when you are trying to have a baby everyone you know is pregnant but you.... ( NO NOT ME !!!!!!!)

well when your life is full of trails and transition and you think you have lost your faith in every single thing you ever held dear....... it seems everyone is on cloud nine and their life couldn't be anymore fabulous........

yes I have become a jaded recluse because transitioning is not as I would wish it to be......

At first my blogging slowed because I had technical challenges..... lack of computer lack of Internet lack of computer messed up Internet..... no computer..... blah blah blah.....

This past week I have had writers block...I want to write daily... I thought about a weekly post.... I like it just the way it is when I feel like it.... however I haven't written this week because how do you write with a positive spin on it all when you just want to scream ? .... How do you keep your blog from turning to a dark twisted path ? I am not jaded or cynical...so why then do I find it a daily struggle to fight it?

What if we said we gave up on everything and we would start with a clean slate? I mean what if we have lost faith in everything that was ourselves and we wanted to find a new path for our faith..... or just give up on it? Do we have enough in ourselves to love when it is near impossible to do so? How do you trust that this is just a bump in the road and tomorrow the sun will shine your faith will be restored and love will abound from your soul????

It really does come down to Faith love and , trust.........

I have several friends right now going through one thing or another.... I mean my life may seem all dark and twisted.... with no hope.. yet I am not watching a parent die, I have not lost a mother or father.... my children are not in trouble with the law...... I haven't lost my job.... I am not starting another move..... trying to get pregnant....... looking for the love of my life......
I am just trying to hold out another day and remind myself the Faith Love and trust will prevail....

For all of you out there going through all the same feelings in another setting, or life experience .. know you are loved.. Have faith that tomorrow will be better and trust that some solution will come...... Especially those of you who I know and love who have trouble believing in yourselves..... have Faith that you can do this... and that you are wonderful and loved.. that's why you have friends who adore you... Trust that when you need it to be there it will......

Now I am going to go and try to shake this and take my own advice :)

Misadventure's at the lake.....

They have become the stuff of legend's around our house... "Heather's adventures" meaning I have put together another family weekend getaway outing...... Sometimes Sam rolls his eyes.. other times I get a million questions..and once my mother pulled the plug on one...... I used to fly by the seat of my pants and take off where I felt like it with no worries about what would be there I would figure it out.. This worked really well..... Then I met Sam who needed a plan and a minute by minute itinerary....... eventually I got the hang of it.... Then I started to like it..... I would plan... and I would anticipate everything I could possibly imagine and plan accordingly.... I lived the boy scout motto...... Most trips turn out fabulous..... some trips ...well..... even I have to laugh at my luck for having something go awry that could only have a one in a million chance of happening......
Because this summer has been nothing but transition I decided to go ahead and plan a trip for the kids.... something fun a quick to at least try to squeeze something summer like and normal into our insane life......Now T has been home only since the 1oth so there had to be room for that transition..... which is Nothing like I had anticipated........ then there are the twins who are still little..... and Nan ....... and of course it had to be between appointments for T...... unpacking and settling in......

Canyon Lake is about 45 minutes from our house..... more like 30....... and there is a military recreation facility there...and instead of tent camping I thought I would find out what "camping shelters" would entail........ Yes they had enough beds... bunk beds even for kids..... they are right at the lake...... they have a mini fridge...and a microwave....a bathroom...... a rustic cabin feel....... so I figured why not we'll try it for a night. The kids will swim we could rent paddle boats for the lake there is a beach to swim and we would have a clean dry fun place to "camp"....after asking what I thought was all the information.. ...we set off. Like I made sure to pack towels and sheets and for the right size beds.... because you have to bring you own things... I packed the cooler and all the beach stuff... I remembered the chairs because I figured there would be a picnic table but just in case there wasn't I would have chairs...... spare clothes...sunscreen and all the necessities.........

We took off for the lake full of hope for summertime fun... and to escape all the gardening in our yard and the wretched fire ants that had been eating me alive..........I remembered to bring things to entertain the kids and I stashed a few games for later while we made smores....... I even knew there was a fire ban so we would be making microwave smores but sitting outside under the stars to eat them........ I remembered the worksheet to help T........ and spare clothes....... extra beach shoes........ and everyone stuffed somethings and blankets.......
We arrived to find out that check in was 2 hours later ( the lady gave me check out time for check in.....)

Now my first sign that the day might go awry should have been that in the morning...after my shower the twins tripped me and I toppled out the shower door and took off part of my toe on the door.... yes the same toe that had been broken and purple from the suitcases... The one that had barley healed..... was now dripping blood and purple again....... one minor moment pressing on....

Maybe I should have heeded the weather man who said it was going to rain ( it has rained once since we arrived for 5 minutes)......or that for the 23rd day in a row our temperatures would be 102.........

Now I pressed on looking for cool summer fun for the kids who have been moving since eternity........
So since we arrived early and couldn't check in I said we'll go rent a paddle boat until our room was ready...... poor Nan was sick from the heat....... P had to go to the bathroom S fell and scraped her knee...... and I realized I forgot to pack T's meds.......was this enough to abandon ship.... no we pressed on ...after and hour struggling to change into swim suits in the tiny out house bathrooms.....ok they had sinks and they had regular toilets but the door barley closed because the stalls we small and lacked locks....... so after 6 trips to wash hands..... ) P is in an OCD hand washing phase and who am I to discourage) and 7 trips to use the bathroom ( 4 kids + 2 toddlers potty training).... one missing swimsuit.....and a second sunscreen application....... an hour flew by quickly....... Due to Nan being sick and Mom needing Nan to paddle one boat..... paddle boats were out...so off to the beach....... now I should have planned better knowing that we were in stage 2 water restriction that the lake might be lower than usual..........
The lake was so low there were huge boulder exposed.....and you could walk to the edge of the swim area in hip level water........ no worries it just meant my kids had more space to play and shallow water to keep track of them....... Now after hauling 4 bags of beach stuff to the lake from our car..... while holding the twins hands....... I settled in for that summer fun......... I laid out the towel ( which P poured sand on right away...) I set out all the beach toys..... and the kids were off to play in the water. S was fearless splashing and giggling and having fun....... P sat down to play in the sand and T & H were already google clad and splashing in the farther area of the swimming "pond"........ I was popping up the twins sun shade...... taking all of the stuff out..... when.....

"Mommy owe owe".... P had sat on a fire ant hill 2 inches from the edge of the water.......Now mind you there were at least 100 people here at the lake on this little beach..all playing and having fun........ we were at the ant hill...... poor P was bitten in an area no one should have a bite...... several dunks in the lake and some ice......... cuddles and a check up.... P was back to the water he didn't want to play in the sand..... S fell and cut herself on a rock... T slipped off a rock and got his nose wet and had a panic attack......... was this enough to turn back....... no ........
The kids did have fun and when the commotion settled they swam and splashed and laughed for 2 hours...... just a day at the beach...... with fire ants and muddy silty water from low water levels.............
Finally sensing the dinnertime meltdown approaching I rallied the troops...... to leave... I packed the 4 bags, blotting the bleeding knees....... applied cream to the ant bites and loaded the car..... I even refereed a fight over clam shells..............

We drove back to the front got the keys and drove back to the camping shelter............. There were suppose to be 2 full beds and a set of bunk beds...... there were bunk beds and a twin bed...... and silly me I figured that if there was a sink, a mini fridge and microwave there might be a cupboard with plates....... of course the one thing I forgot to ask about they didn't have...... We had food and a roll of paper towels no cups plates or silverware...... no problem... we had planned to dine out anyway.... I was trying to keep our getaway simple and fun......

Into the car...... and ....... FLAT TIRE !!!!!! I have never had a flat tire...... ok that isn't true once when I was 16 in my driveway..... my Dad and brother changed it for me...... no worries I now have a cell phone for just this instance..... my arc Nemesis ( the cell phone) was about to earn it's keep ..... At one time we had 3 roadside services.. our insurance, AAA, and Toyota......... well Toyota's expired with our warranty..... which we didn't hear about because we were in Germany and our mail has not caught up with us ( I am getting bank statements from February only now).... I canceled AAA when we went to Germany........ and we switched insurance companies..... our new card arrived for the new company but none of the policy information...and I had only gotten the name and number a few days ago..... Sam forgot to give it to me before he left... and I left before him.... to get T....... so here it is dinner time with 4 wet hungry kids.... a sick Nan...... in 102 degree heat in a rural area...with a flat tire......
No worries I can do this..... I sent sick mom and 3 kids to eat hot dogs in the "cabin" with paper towels... and juice boxes and snack for an army...... I began dismantling the car to get the jack out..... I can do this right I have a manual...and it is pretty straight forward right.........

Every kid has a moment where they realize their parents are human and not super hero's...... H who is 6 discovered that Mom is not wonder woman......
I couldn't get the jack out and after 20 minutes of fighting it I finally did... while bruising my hand..... it has 6 parts to it and no manual...... I could not figure out how to put it together.... did I cry no did I get mad no...... I stayed calm...... and used my cell phone again.. I called a service asked for a name and had to wait 45 minutes for a "guy" to come change my tire....... now the sun is beating down..... but storm clouds are gathering the wind is blowing the dust....... and while I was sitting on the ground trying to figure out where to put the car jack...... I sat in a fire ant hill..... I now have fire ant bites where a girl shouldn't........ H was there watching the whole scene..... I didn't get mad I didn't cry...... I just couldn't figure out the car jack......

I have driven bull dozers... found my way out of the woods..... survived on a glacier... rock climbed.....and done many other very daring things...I have pushed a car myself in heels in the rain...... I have braved all sorts of awful things...... and yet here I was in the middle of nowhere about to cry because I couldn't change my own tire..... I am a handy gal I know how to build furniture.... use power tools..... fix most things..... I can't put a car jack together..... I wanted to cry but I didn't..... how totally stupid I can't change a tire..... I should be able to do this after all I can read I can figure most things out...........
H looks at me heart broken and says....." Mom you don't know how to fix the tire? How come YOU can't change the tire ?"... it wasn't what he said it was how he said it.....and the long pause afterwards..... the walking away...... he sat on a rock and just looked at me...... that look every parent dreads..... the " my Mom can't fix everything that goes wrong in the world" look...... This is when I cried...... I sat down on the rock too...... I tried to stop crying and put a positive spin on it explaining that we all have things we are good at and that some things should be fixed by experts... The Man that was coming to change the tire did this all day and knew about tires.... I even said I wouldn't do brain surgery because I am not a brain surgeon...... explaining we all have jobs...... however it fell on deaf ears because H was up looking at me and started shouting "Mom !!! Mom!!!! you are covered in ants quick run !!!!!!" As if running would repel the millions of fire ants now crawling all over my ankles and feet.......... The fire ants are going to kill me I swear.........

I now have cankles.... thanks to the number of swollen pustule ant bites on my feet and ankles....... yes my pustules have pustules....... I don't ever think I will look human again... did I mention that as I was swatting fire ants off of my feet and ankles....... that a few hitched a ride and I have ant bites in my hair... and on my neck............

45 minutes later the nicest "guy" came to change my tire.........he was friendly and kind and had typical Texas gentleman manners...... Plus he wore a cowboy hat and spit chewing tobacco...... I think he sensed my exasperation at not being able to change my own tire... Because he told me that last week he was changing one on a Cadillac SUV and a 300 pound man lifted the car onto the jack for him while he changed the guys tire...... because the car jack had broken..... ( at least he could get his together).........

I found out it was better I hadn't figured out how to put the jack together because my car jack was part of a recall...... They tended to bend or snap when used........ Nice we missed the noticed while in Germany..... and the Toyota dealer there didn't know about the recall because they don't even issue the things there........... nice...... This all should have made me feel better.... but it didn't......

70 dollars later... I had a spare tire on the car a million fire ant bites, a crying 6 year old...... Nan was really sick, S had cut her knee and was bleeding... H had tripped and was bleeding... P had fire ant bites that were blistering........ and dirt fell out of the bunk beds when the kids crawled up into them...... not a little dirt......a lot........ Nan said no more.... H wanted smores P wanted his room and S was tired........ so I packed up the car......

I opened the back door to load...... the flat tire came flying out at me........ Tire back in car stuff crammed in car and 4 kids piled into the car..... we started the drive home.......

Once home ... I unpacked started laundry showered kids... mended cuts.. placed band aids...... applied remedies for fire ant bites........ and read stories... hugged and kissed kids....... then I thought about crying...... but I was too tired..and I still needed a shower ( to rid myslef of mud sand and meat tenderizer....).....

This is the end of the quick " easy" trip to the lake for summer fun............
Have I lost my touch? Why have my last 2 trips gone so awry? Of course Sam is unreachable for the next 2 weeks because he is in the woods at survival training........eating rabbits......

I think we'll pass on anymore lake trips......... I want to take the kids down to the gulf ( 1 hour 45 minutes away) Do I dare?.... How do we have faith when everything seems to go wrong? is it really about timing as Sam says.........Transition...... The year of Transition........and the fire ants.......

This morning the kids talked about how fun it was to go swimming so happily I think they had fun..... or they were trying to make me feel better.....

Transition.....

I have been away so long it is almost like starting over, which is interesting because that is the theme of my life....... I wish I could tell you that the transition has gone smoothly or that everything is rainbows and butterflies........ However this would make for a much less interesting read and we know that just isn't how things go here. We have had what seems like the endless move...... 3 flights, 3 trucks...... 3 months and finally we are unpacking again. Lats year I spent my anniversary cleaning out the garage to move...... This year I spent my anniversary cleaning the garage to organize moving again......Just about the time I felt like I was living in the present instead of waiting for the future...... Sam left again for another of many TDY's ...... and the hiccups to settling in started cropping up on a daily basis.......Some days it is as if we are in a whirlwind watching everything calm and undisturbed around us...... other days I wonder when the next storm is going to arrive. I can say this past year... has been all about transition......
We have moved twice in one year.... We have seen T's diagnosis change and T come and go from a treatment facility....... H has had 3 schools in 2 states and another country...... P & S have started to talk and moved forward.......

right now we are in a state of transition again... T has returned home ...which is wonderful and yet brings new challenges to our house..... T has to learn to live with us again and try to navigate being in a different place...... an extreme challenge for someone battling Bipolar and Asperger's...... I know all of us are so happy to have him home and we are glad to all be in the same location again...... well almost ( in typical fashion one of us is gone... Sam is off at a training)....... Home again to be loved and share in all of our family adventures and to settle in to being loved in a home environment........ however some moments it feels as though nothing has changed and the same challenges are still there...other moments there is a refreshing change that brings hope for all of us........

Moving back has been good there are services here for T that are necessary for his daily life..... however navigating the unknown and struggling through the transition of a new place makes me miss my friends in Germany........ and wonder what could have been.....

All of us go through transition on a daily basis sometimes small like going from work to home...and sometimes large like learning to live without someone we love.......I often wonder if transition will ever be a simple process? holding on to hope and our faith is important....... how long can we hope and struggle? When do we say we give up? When to we embrace change and all of it's possibility.......

I have smiled and laughed I have bought a house, found some friends and anticipate the excitement of the coming months....... but sometimes I wonder when will the waiting end and when will "life" begin? ....Instead of always being in transition?

The purple toes healed...... however...... the day we went to the lake to camp.. the twins tripped me coming out of the shower ( a glass/metal door) and the purple toes are now purple again..... so even toes have to go through transition to get to there "normal" life......

I am back

The laptop has come back so I have the Internet again !!!!!! however we are still waiting for all of our household good ....... We have moved into our new house ( expect future posts with pictures, from our first home buying experience) I will have more to post later and hopefully pictures......
I am just happy to have the Internet back !!!!!!

Suitcases and Purple toes.....

It has been 16 days since we came to San Antonio..... new adventures have come..... hot weather and sunshine......lots and lots of suitcases are strewn around..... remember the pictures.... 14 suitcases 6 carry on bags...... now imagine that with 6 people in 2 tiny rooms ( I can here the music to the twelve days of Christmas in the background).. the few toys all around..... clothes and suitcases.....kids everywhere..... We are waiting as patiently as we can to move into our first house ( that we will own)...... 5 am one little one..... was running a muck...... I tried to keep it contained the giggles and squirms..... the wild running about..... in an effort to slow the speeding noisy train of one P..... I tripped in the dark...... and then there was an ouch..... I now have a bright purple toe..... Sam says...." you like purple.. it is just a new way to accessorize"... right..... So we are still here waiting for our house ( 45 days of paperwork)... with suit cases and purple toes......

Freddie's

Is it wrong to be friends with the people you are buying a house from? I think not..... The family we are buying from could be us...we have so much in common including number of kids, and their son also has Asperger's.... The family is so wonderful and they have helped us find things here in San Antonio..... I hope we keep in touch I will miss them...... Melody has become a friend already and she is so kind and helpful in finding things ...including great resources for the kids ..... One hot tip for today..... bless her soul .... Melody stopped by with T-shirt's for Freddie's restaurant..... one for each of the kids....... with these magical T-Shirts you get a free frozen custard with a kids meal..... Of course this meant the kids and I were off for an adventure...... Sure enough... not only is this restaurant too cute from the outside..... it's inside has a retro kitch that melts your heart..... the best part..... ok the food is good.... the french fries are amazing...which is saying a lot because ( be prepared to gasp) I don't even like french fries...... they have this spectacular seasoning....... thin cut.. very cool.... But what will stop your heart...... the frozen custard...... yes, I know hard to believe that frozen custard can be found outside Wisconsin... I admit I was skeptical..... it isn't Kopp's... but it is frozen custard.. yes folks frozen custard west of the Mississippi...... they have chocolate or vanilla...( sorry no flavor of the day) But true.. Frozen custard...... yummy...... A smile.... a spectacular friend and 3 magical T-shirts..... and we had so much fun Thank you Melody !!!!!!!

Stll Moving......

I have not fallen off the planet although it seems like I have.....I am here in Texas getting used to our new base and the wonderful people here.....
Our stuff isn't here and won't be..... we are still in Temporary lodging or TLF ( think hotel room like extended stay)....

The kids are healthy.....going crazy well making me crazy..they miss their toys......
I have thought of several very witty and fun posts to put here... but I am sharing laptop time with Sam....... so I can't always get my stories here.....Next week Sam is gone on a new assignment and so the laptop will go too ( I swear this computer has a better travel life than I do) heheheheheh
I will be sad to miss out on posting stories.......I feel like I should post one of those signs you see at construction sites.....
" pardon our mess while we remodel"..... or " Coming soon !"Coming soon to a blog near you the new and improved adventures..... of the Bendet bunch full of mayhem and humor..... smiles and struggles.... and of course summer vacation.....
Texas is hot but the people are delightful.... such wonderful manners...... I am so excited.
I think that I will have stories and highlights from the area.. I also want to bring you a"deal or steal" of the week...... so stay tuned for new and exciting Texas sized adventures for this blog until late June I will be thinking of you..... but missing from this spot......Hopefully we will be in our new house then and our stuff on it's way and Sam home from TDY..... so until then ....... I will leave you with pictures from our last days in Germany and our move so far.....

Goodbyes....

Goodbyes are always so hard and I am so bad at them..... so instead I like to say until I see you again..... Because we really we don't know....
I have often run into people again at another base or another city.... We made so many friends in Germany. We will miss all of you so much !
Our last night in Germany we met our friends Pervin, Moses, Damien, and Danielle at the Irish pub at our hotel .....

There were lots of laughs good cider and promises for meeting in the future while off adventuring !
We Miss all of you in the picture..and all of our friends in Germany ( not pictured here).... coming and going themselves be safe !!!!
Pictures of Sam's going away party for work.... It was so wonderful his whole office came to say goodbye..... We miss you guys !!!!

Sam was also given an award.... Thank you Marika ..for getting it signed and planning things.... hugs to everyone !!!!